Meltinglow - I Want More Out Of Life Than This

"You can love a monster, it can even love you back, but that doesn't change its nature."

unknown / Mitski Cop Car / Catherynne M. Valente The Bread We Eat in Dreams / Jonny Bolduc Harsh Light / Margaret Atwood / Sylvia Plath Poem for a Birthday: Who / Anne Sexton Hansel and Gretel "The Complete Poems of Anne Sexton" / @/thymoss (tumblr) / unknown

i. unknown [ "I tip my head like a dog at the window. The outside world is so interesting, and I am not a part of it; I'm just witnessing." ]

ii. Mitski Cop Car [ "I get mean when I'm nervous like a bad dog / I get mean when I'm nervous like a bad dog ]

iii. Catherynne M. Valente The Bread We Eat in Dreams [ "I said: I could be a wolf for you. I could put my teeth on your throat. I could growl. I could eat you whole. I could wait for you in the dark. I could howl against your hair. ]

iv. Jonny Bolduc Harsh Light [ medical diagram of a dog. "Let the harsh light warm you / Let the harsh wind carry you away ]

v. Margaret Atwood [ "you dangle on the leash of your own longing; / your need grows teeth ]

vi. Sylvia Plath Poem for a Birthday: Who [ "Eaten or rotten. I am all mouth." ]

vii. Anne Sexton Hansel and Gretel [ I want to bite, / I want to chew, / I will eat you up. ]

viii. @/thymoss (tumblr) [ sketch of an animal with teeth surrounding the outside of its snout pointing away from it. "I will remove my teeth, for I want to remain kind despite my anger" ]

ix. unknown [ "I love you like a rotten dog, / I love you like my canines are falling out of my gums / Like a monster, like a beast / Like something not worth loving back" ]

why do you still have your ropes around my hands?

hieu minh nguyen / sarah lewarn / lia kimura / isabel emrich / taylor swift / phoebe bridgers / rnn90 after mark rubenstein / penelope douglas / katie maria / jakun kujawa via @nailone on dA / rainer maria rilke / kate elizabeth russell / ale casanova / sylvia plath

Francisco Toledo 

1940-2019

Máscaras, Políptico, 1965 

gouache and foil on paper 10 x 6 in. | 25.4 x 15.2 cm.

i feel like i don't really know what love is

like all the time i searched for it and craved it in every girl that was nice to me or even wasn't but now after i watched this movie i don't think i know what love means. it seems so unconditional and pure and i always thought that i know what love is and what it feels like and that i've been in love with people even if they didn't share the same. i look at my brother and his girlfriend and i see such purity and unconditional love in their eyes. but when i think back i don't know if i ever really felt that for a person. all the "love" i felt for people always had a mildy fear of pain. the fear that they don't love me back and if i act like that now that they won't like me anymore and i lose them. and in fact it mostly ended like that everytime. people get so sick of me and seem to forgot me quickly that i already had forgotten me. i think love will come but i don't know if i'm capable to really feel it or if i'm really getting irritated then. love is such a complex emotion. i always thought i had it but now i don't know if my feelings will ever got over the "you're my crush please notice me" phase. or is this already the love everyone is talking about because it sure doesn't feel like it.

actually i should go to sleep i'm really tired and i propably just think to much into it right now and tomorrow i will wake up and think what have i written yesterday? and the thought will fade away like real love does

or does it?

                                                             3:41 AM

making bad art and dressing weirdly and collecting random things and listening to silly music is actually so important

i had this reoccuring dream of my younger self and my mom hidden in a room where every wall is hidden in red curtains they go to the top the ground is black with random orange and yellow dots like a design you would see on the seat of a bus. there is a door i always forget when i wake up. i don't know whats behind it and i doubt i will ever find out. recently i had this dream again. the thing is i don't know if i actually had this dream before it just felt so familiar like i have seen it before but i haven't it needs to be in another dream. in this dream i had recently i was in the living room panicking i could see trough the slit in the door that the people are coming to get me. randomly i see a hole in the ceiling like skylight i can see the room from the way down but the rectangular hole is too small for me to fit through. i can actually not even really see the room but i know that it is the one with the red curtains. i have this bitter feeling. maybe i've dreamed this as a kid before but now it is hidden behind a foggy wall luring me in to forget everything. there is something hiding behind those red curtains. i will come back to this if i ever see the red curtains again

on homesickness

Clive Smith, Artist / Ian Cumberland, Distance I / Miriam Adeney, Kingdom Without Borders / Dir. Andrei Tarkovsky, The Sacrifice (1986) / Pascal Mercier, Train to Lisbon / Malcom Liepke, Repose / Margaret Randall, So Many Rooms Has A House But One Roof / Dir. Damien Chazelle, Whiplash (2014)

x / Gustav Deutsch / Eileen Myles / @unsnarled / Audre Lorde / Mary Oliver x2 / W. S. Merwin / William Faulkner