Outono

i don't think i'm the same person i was a month ago but also don't think that i know who i am at all

The plot and the main characters are based on Derek Cianfrance’s unfinished docufiction film “Metalhead,” in which the drummer of a heavy metal duo blows his eardrums out and must learn to adapt to a world of silence. Cianfrance’s film was in post-production since 2009, and it stars Jucifer’s band members and real life couple Edgar Livengood and Gazelle Amber Valentine playing themselves. Darius Marder was one of the screenwriters of Derek Cianfrance’s The Place Beyond the Pines (2012). Marder was personally asked by Cianfrance to re-work “Metalhead” from the beginning as well as giving his blessing.

Sound of Metal (2019), dir. Darius Marder

— Cinematography by Daniël Bouquet

Oddly shaped lava formations look like a mass of twisted bodies in Hawaii shot by Laszlo Kestay (1996)

春光乍洩 Happy Together (1997) dir. Wong Kar Wai

Jean-Michel Basquiat photographed by Tseng Kwong Chi in his Great Jones Street studio, 1987.

fuck

i feel like i don't really know what love is

like all the time i searched for it and craved it in every girl that was nice to me or even wasn't but now after i watched this movie i don't think i know what love means. it seems so unconditional and pure and i always thought that i know what love is and what it feels like and that i've been in love with people even if they didn't share the same. i look at my brother and his girlfriend and i see such purity and unconditional love in their eyes. but when i think back i don't know if i ever really felt that for a person. all the "love" i felt for people always had a mildy fear of pain. the fear that they don't love me back and if i act like that now that they won't like me anymore and i lose them. and in fact it mostly ended like that everytime. people get so sick of me and seem to forgot me quickly that i already had forgotten me. i think love will come but i don't know if i'm capable to really feel it or if i'm really getting irritated then. love is such a complex emotion. i always thought i had it but now i don't know if my feelings will ever got over the "you're my crush please notice me" phase. or is this already the love everyone is talking about because it sure doesn't feel like it.

actually i should go to sleep i'm really tired and i propably just think to much into it right now and tomorrow i will wake up and think what have i written yesterday? and the thought will fade away like real love does

or does it?

                                                             3:41 AM

{2022} 07 Whose house is this? from Memories Of Dying

neon genesis evangelion [01]: angel attack

but why me?

a little personal response / tribute to "here's the life i've always longed for" by Anna Haifisch. the original means so much to me, and even though it's hard, I feel like every day i'm making more steps toward finally being on the other side of that fence <:)