Meltinglow - I Want More Out Of Life Than This

Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it Hand burnt text on silk velvet 42″ x 24″ 2016

fuck

i feel like i don't really know what love is

like all the time i searched for it and craved it in every girl that was nice to me or even wasn't but now after i watched this movie i don't think i know what love means. it seems so unconditional and pure and i always thought that i know what love is and what it feels like and that i've been in love with people even if they didn't share the same. i look at my brother and his girlfriend and i see such purity and unconditional love in their eyes. but when i think back i don't know if i ever really felt that for a person. all the "love" i felt for people always had a mildy fear of pain. the fear that they don't love me back and if i act like that now that they won't like me anymore and i lose them. and in fact it mostly ended like that everytime. people get so sick of me and seem to forgot me quickly that i already had forgotten me. i think love will come but i don't know if i'm capable to really feel it or if i'm really getting irritated then. love is such a complex emotion. i always thought i had it but now i don't know if my feelings will ever got over the "you're my crush please notice me" phase. or is this already the love everyone is talking about because it sure doesn't feel like it.

actually i should go to sleep i'm really tired and i propably just think to much into it right now and tomorrow i will wake up and think what have i written yesterday? and the thought will fade away like real love does

or does it?

                                                             3:41 AM

LOVE AS CONSUMPTION, ABSORPTION, REFLECTION

(aka bones and all made me insane)

Aimee Bender, “On a Saturday Afternoon”

Undercover: ‘Decorated Armed Voluntary Forces’ Runway Details AW2001

on homesickness

Clive Smith, Artist / Ian Cumberland, Distance I / Miriam Adeney, Kingdom Without Borders / Dir. Andrei Tarkovsky, The Sacrifice (1986) / Pascal Mercier, Train to Lisbon / Malcom Liepke, Repose / Margaret Randall, So Many Rooms Has A House But One Roof / Dir. Damien Chazelle, Whiplash (2014)

Neon Genesis Evangelion (1997)

LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS LIFE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU IT HOLDS YOU IN ITS HANDS