Cope

It's not easy. And people are gonna say that everything will be alright. But right now, Nothing looks better than not existing. And I know, That is the most selfish act of all. But how do you cope with something that makes you feel so empty inside all the time and so numb to everything, yet you put on a face and laugh and rejoice and hang out with friends? How do you cope with wanting to kill yourself but hating yourself for thinking that because of all the pain you would leave behind? How do I continue? Don't tell me things will get better. Don't tell me it will just pass. Do you know how long these thoughts have been playing around in the back of my mind? For years. Maybe it just happens to come out when you realize the moments when nobody loves you. Maybe the reason I am so upset about him is because I love him so much and the thought that I cannot make him happy destroys me on the inside. How do you cope with that?