Hey I Know I Asked For Constructive Criticism But What I Actually Wanted Was For You To Tell Me I'm Extremely

I blame the boy

23 sept 2024

I both HATE and don’t know anything about physics. I blame adam. Fucking distracting me all year and THATS why I got a 5

Anyways,

my english lang writing

19th feb 2024

(the prompt was write a story beginning with "this was going to be a terrible day, one of those days when its best to just stay in bed because everything is going to turn out bad")

this was going to be a terrible day, one of those days when its best to just stay in bed because everything is going to turn out bad.

what a horrible thought to have so early in the morning, this could end up being a great day, i scold myself from inside my own head, yes definately, like yesterday or the day before that, sarcasm leaking from the voice in my head to reprimand yet another voice in my head.

'list the requirements for a bad day.' an old therapy exersize that, for some reason, stuck.

gloomy weather? no, sweet blue skies, candyfloss clouds, warm sun falling through the leaves high above. loud or unnerving surroundings? even less so, light green water laps the bank of a jarringly serene lake flowers waft around the waters edge bowing to meet the surface. around bad people? technically, i am around nobody, calm, alone, peaceful, seemingly, my own inner monolouge is proving to be todays biggest enemy.

today actually has the trappings of a great day, which means it is one of these days. worse than one of the gloomy grey days or days full of work, today is one of the days where i feel so, so bad for being so miserable, for wishing for a storm so i am forced inside and i have to rot in my own misery. slowly i stand up, walking toward the waters edge. the top layer of water is warm after being in the sun for so long, the lower layers are cool and dark. i push myself down.

light filters through a meter or so of water, lake plants grow only a few more meters down. here it is calm, and serene and peaceful. i find myself hating it all over again. floating upwards, i try to count all the reasons i have to be happy. all outweighed by the fact that i am miserable.

my body floats on the surface of the water, my mind is disjointed, forcing me back into a memory where i do not float alone, where next to melays a girl with a smile like sunshine and a laugh like alchohol, she is intoxicating.

"mandy."

she drags out the last letter, i hear it like she is there, all over again i dive deep under water praying the pressure crushes me or the water to fill my lungs. it is so very dark again.

"she would want you to be happy now."

would she?

"she loved you."

did she?

the voices come from all around and i want to inhale and drown them out, everyone telling me to be happy for her because she cannot. she would be better at this, at the moving on part, i am so good at the greiveing, the loss, the wallowing. i exhale and push back up

"no."

her voice plays in my head, an old memory from when i told her i couldnt live without her. so i will breathe fresh, hot, summer air, even if just to spite the girl, because i have to keep her memory and love alive. today is terrible without her and so will the rest of them be, but i will live them, because she told me to and it is rude to disrespect the dead.

my body floats atop the water again.

today was just a little less terrible.

anyways,

LOVE ME PLEASE

10 mar 2024

WILL SOMEONE TRACE ALONG MY JAW ACROSS MY LIPS UP MY NOSE AND AROUND MY EYE WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TRACE FROM MY EAR ALONG MY COLLARBONE TO THE DIP BETWEEN THEM AND FEEL MY HEART BEAT LIKE THEY NEED TO COMMIT IT TO MEMORY LIKE THEYRE BEING TESTED ON THE BPM OF MY HEART AND THE TEXTURE OF MY SKIN LIKE THEY NEED TO SCULPT ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT AND OUTSIDE IN AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Anyways,

I forget how much I love performing

16 apr 2024

Jamie opened tonight!! it was insane, that buzz that feeling you get inside I forget how real it is, like electricity is in the air and everyone’s joy is palpable. I’ll really miss this. This community, everyone is friends, I’ll talk to the people I wouldn’t normally talk to and you stay on stage left cramped in with everyone and it feels so real.

Anyways,

I think I feel homesick

29 Jul 2024

I keep going to different places and sleeping in new houses and for once I think I’m homesick and I just want a home. Not necessarily my home but somewhere to go back to after it all.

Anyways,

RAAAA BARKBARKBARK ARRUEYERJGEWHUREGO;UIREGUO;G;SHGLUIZZD

17th feb 2024

me when clean fresh washed still wet but not dripping hair

anyways,

don't forget to wake up sick to your stomach tomorrow

everyone pause

18th feb 2024

look at walker scobell rn like go look up a picture and look at him. thats how old percy is when he becomes a hero of olympus for the first time. thats when percy reads the prophecy. imagine that little boy (is he older than me? yes? lets move on) reading that he is destined to die on his 16th birthday (right after telling us that hes so excited to get his drivers lisence ((stop im crying stop it stop it)) and he still goes and saves the world because what else will he do. RICKYWHENICATCHYOURICKY

anyways,

beauty is pain

28th dec 2023

my teeth are yellow but the gel in teeth whitening strips tastes gross and has a gross texture