Kaljo Põllu, Estonian, 1934-2010

Icl I can definitely do with one more year of just everything like I just need another year.

I feel like this condition has disabled me in such a debilitating way and hindered an progress for my career prospects and it makes me so sad when I see everyone else making a move on with after uni and jobs and all I’m feeling is immense pain in my head and gut and muscles :( and I’m even so bad with managing my time as well ugh I’m just stressed but that triggers flare ups :(

Kenneth Snelson Chain Bridge Bodies (1990)

Sitting n rotting trying to make as minimal noise as possible

Since I was a kid I always wanted to be an adult cuz I just craved independence and didn’t fuck with authority, I was always in trouble growing up especially in Nigeria, so many ppl including my parents tried to contain me, but not possible, call me bossy say I get attitude, that one concern una, my spirits are rebellious, we flying all the fucking time

everything I do is for my kids I love them real bad

My brain hurts because I had a lol bit of alcohol

Omg it’s May

Flaxseed is amazing for your boobs

Paranoia took over the past few months of Ronnie’s life. Her heart rate was at a constant high hundred bpm mirroring her walking rate. Ronnie was constantly on the run from things in her life: her thoughts; sincerity; companion. Marshall (head of institution) was made aware of Ronnie’s run and disappearance and was surprised to bump into her along the corridors. But this time Ronnie didn’t flee away from her but more so fell into her arms and felt safe by her embrace. Marshall brought her into her office with a Yorkshire tea at the perfect sipping temperature, paired with a variety of complementary biscuits, providing a safe space for her knowing that’s all she needs right now.

“I’ve heard you’ve been on the run and there’s people wondering about your whereabouts.” Marshall spoke.

Ronnie didn’t respond to that statement. She’s been in a constant state of dissociation and could barely process spoken words of well intentions. Marshall reached out to her hand and held it gently, letting Ronnie know that she’s in a safe space and could speak to her about anything. The comforting touch of another person awoken a part of her finally giving Ronnie a glimpse of her present day. She felt safe for once. There was someone who didn’t just want to help her but to give her comfort and support which she’s been yearning for through it all.

Ronnie finally felt like her family was at peace and everyone was getting along just fine. Even with her parents which was the most surprising cause her relationship with them had always been rocky since the trauma they had put her through her childhood, but she decided to just forgive them, even though they may have not been apologetic or acknowledged the damage they had inflicted. But they were a happy family, or what seemed like a happy loving family. When amongst others they would shower their kids with kisses and reassurance that everything will be okay. They bared very beautiful daughters that could be models and even show stoppers.

Ronnie was closest with her Irish twin, Annie, and they took pride in their appearance. They knew the beauty they wield and loved to keep themselves done from head to toe. It was hair day and Ronnie and Annie were lucky enough to know how to style their own hair. Annie installed these lovely fluffy boho braids down to her crack which made her resemble a mermaid, and Ronnie did similar but wanted to experiment with alternative methods to compensate for her short hair which she had shaved off a couple of months ago.

Ruth, their older sister, had herself locked away in the study room glued to her laptop as she decided to return to her studies to further advance her career prospects. She dreamed of being a lawyer tackling financial crimes within corporations, however, did struggle on keeping up with the universities expectations causing her to take a pause with her studies. She finally mustered up the courage to return back to her degree and complete it and make herself proud. This wasn’t an unfamiliar pattern seen within the family though. University isn’t a straightforward and easy journey for everyone, even for Ronnie, although she was the only one who had never had to be withdrawn from her studies or had to resit a year. It’s not much of a big deal at all, but to Ruth, Annie, and Ronnie, their parents very much made them feel as if they were an abomination for having their own journey at their own time. The girls knew it wasn’t true but having been told that all their lives was ingrained into their minds whenever they tried to be there for themselves.

As Ronnie and Annie braided their extensions down to the end, they discussed their older sisters devotion to the life she’s aiming for. They were in awe as it gave them hope. Ronnie believed that Ruth doesn’t have an excuse to fail as it’s not her first time tackling this sort of challenge, so should have more of an understanding of what she’s doing now. But Annie took that as an ignorant remark as she’s never been in the same situation as them and may not understand that there are other factors that can come into play that could stagger someone’s academic progress. But Ronnie knew, even though she hadn’t resat a year or had a significant setback, she’s very much been close to it and that alone was enough for her to emphasise with how her siblings felt. The volume of the bickering between Annie and Ronnie rose, drawing attention from all 4 corners of the house to them. Annie had a very much sensitive attitude to that within her and around her and had a tendency to somewhat dramatise her reality. Maybe she must’ve taken what Ronnie had said as an attack as she solely believed Ronnie’s intentions were ill mannered and had no hope in those in similar situations as Ruth and her. Their mum and dad wanted to know what all the commotion was and Annie told them that “Ronnie has no hope in Ruth’s studies and is expecting failure from her”. But that was the complete opposite of Ronnie’s stance. She was confused as to how her sister could spew such a lie, especially to those who feed off on such chaos. She felt betrayed. She couldn’t tell if what she was saying was actually true and that she genuinely doesn’t have good intentions for Ruth or if Annie just lied for lying sake? She was very perplexed and news spread fast to their married-off sister, Erika — the mediator of them all. Erika was utterly disappointed in such a remark Ronnie could make about one of their sisters, putting Ronnie into a deep depressive state. She felt as if the ones that she had all the love for had now despised her and was completely ashamed with her. She didn’t know how to live with herself even if what she said was wrong or right, but the fact that the people she looked up to the most no longer saw her in the way they used to was killing her. Everything had changed and such change took such a toll on her. Her looks and her hair no longer mattered to her. All she wanted was her love from her sisters back but no matter what she said to try defend herself, they wouldn’t listen and just didn’t want to hear it. The bed was her only source of comfort to grieve the perfect relationship she once had. Days went by and Ronnie still hadn’t moved an inch out of bed. The dent in the bed became a cause for concern as it wasn’t the first time this mark had been implemented. Everyone else’s days were going by and things needed to get done around the house and their dad had enough of Ronnie’s “laziness” and demanded Ann to collect her from her rot pit. Ronnie recognised the time passing by but didn’t bare any mind to it as time didn’t serve much of a relevance to her. It’s not the first time the family had dealt with one of Ronnie’s episode and she remembered all the commotion coming from them during these periods. She didn’t want to have a bucket of water dunked on her face or to be physically dragged by the leg out of bed, so she willingly got up herself and returned back to doing her hair but as irresponsibly as ever. She didn’t even use a mirror, let alone a comb to help her part her hair. That’s how much she didn’t care.

Her heart rate began to speed up as she heard her father’s heavy footsteps march up the stairs. The pattern of the steps reflected his furious mood and Ronnie knew what was next. She’s seen this way too many times. She was flooded with panic and fear, scared as to what he might do to her and how far he might take it. She just wanted an escape. Maybe an escape from life itself or the torment these people constantly put her through, either way she just needed to get out of there. Running away had always been something on Ronnie and her sisters mind, but more prominent in Ronnie’s as she secretly had her items laid out perfectly in case of situations like this. She quickly grabbed her demonia’s and roughly tied them up as fast as she could. Eyeing her backpack filled with her regular everyday stuff, there wasn’t much she cared about enough to pack heavy. The tall black man burst through her wooden door, both their eyes met with their chest pouncing up and down — one furiously and the other anxiously. Flashing images of the expected outcome flew in Ronnie’s mind which she refused to be subject to for another moment. As he began to leap towards her, Ronnie plunged through the door and ran out the house. Adrenaline being her main drive at the moment, she just kept running without even thinking of where to go. She heard yells of her father coming from behind her which only motivated her to get further and further away. People in the neighbourhood stopped in their tracks as they witnessed the moment happening amongst them. If it wasn’t for the vehicles dividing the streets, her dad might have been close to capturing her, but thankfully she got away. She hopped on the first bus she could see and watched all the eyes on her as they could visibly witness the stress she had just been through. But she didn’t pay any attention to it because she had bigger fish to fry. She collapsed into a seat in the back corner, hiding her away from the world and tried to regain her breath. She would say she couldn’t believe what she just went through but it was a very much a believable scenario she would be put through.

Ronnie had left home and had no plans on returning to such environment. The day was coming to an end and needed somewhere to stay low or just a bed to rest her head for the night and figure out the rest from there. There was only one person on her mind she could bare to deal with right now.

She knew she shouldn’t step foot in this kind of environment again but anything but where she came from was enough. There was a line but Ronnie had no means to be opting for what these people were here for. The bouncers excused her once they recognised who she was and directed her to where she could find him. The vibes from this place was real eerie and just reminded her of a period of her life she rather forget all about, but she needed someone — anyone right now. She followed the directions the bouncer gave her and was led down a set of stairs into an array of dark corridors. Luckily enough, Ronnie’s memory was highly sharp in some areas and she remembered just exactly where to go to find this guy. Finally at her destination, she knocked on the locked black door, and a few moments later it was open to a tall husky man she promised not to see again. She could tell he was not expecting to see her from the moment they stared at each other for what felt like forever until he eventually let her in.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you ever again…” He said to her.

“Yeah, I know but…” She started very slowly, moving closer to each other.

The sexual tension between was stronger than ever from all the restraints they’ve had from each other.

“I just needed to see you” she said as there was no distance between them.

She raised her hand to his face with her eyes watering. He held her lower ass and carried her up to him so that there face were at the same level. Their lips finally crashed into each other and suffocated each other with their kisses, not allowing the other to breakaway for a break of air. Maybe it was the time spent away from each other or the fact that they should not be together making the moment so intense but at that moment all they both wanted was each other. Her hands running through his dark wisps, travelling down to his cheeks, then to his neck, along with her kisses leaving bruised marks. He pushed her back against the wall to allow himself to get a feel of her whilst having her in a steady straddle around him. They both moved down each other’s bodies and navigated their ways to the spots they missed and craved. This moment felt complete and all she wanted. He pushed her up higher as far as he could and made his way into her boobs, sucking on them and nibbling on them. Exasperated moans flew out of Ronnie’s mouth unwillingly as this moment satisfied all her needs. He directed his tongue and kisses to her waist, eventually down to her inner thigh. He knew the trick that would get her going and carried one of her legs over his shoulder. More moans left her mouth as she craved for more, but then he dropped her as soon as he got close to her panty line and could feel how wet she was.

“My turn” he breathed out.

Ronnie didn’t need to do much to get him going as her seductive fox eyes made him crazy enough for her. She dived into a deep kiss with him and forcefully pushed him into his chair. She traced her hands down his body and she squatted down and pulled his bottoms. She missed this. She misses him and prophesied how much she missed him with the way she engulfed his dick down her throat. She tightly sucked on him and bobbled her head up and down … I’ve never written smut before and I was just laughing the whole time coz I’m pretty inexperienced with sex and this shit was just cracking me up