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Writing Asexual Spectrum Characters

By a gray ace who occasionally writes for funsies.

I get the feeling people think writing an asexual spectrum (acespec) character is easy. Easier than writing a straight-up asexual character. After all, many people under the ace spectrum can feel sexual attraction. Plenty are cool with being in a sexual relationship. So, just have the character mention they’re gray ace, or an asexual who enjoys sex, and leave it at that.

I’m not discouraging any allos from writing acespec characters, quite the opposite! But there’s a reason acespecs who do feel sexual attraction, or do want sex, still call themselves some flavor of ace. There are certain things gray aces go through that an allo might be unaware of. Like, the experience of feeling sexual attraction.

An allosexual character (adult ones anyway) tends to view sexual attraction as this natural thing that just occurs. They seem to be used to it, even though there’s usually a Big Deal about it being made in the story. But that Big Deal is moreso related to the character they’re sexually attracted to. And the situation that puts them in with that character. The fact they’re experiencing sexual attraction itself though, isn’t a Big Deal.

Most acespecs don’t work like that. An acespec experiences it rarely, weakly, or under specific circumstances.

An acespec who experiences sexual attraction rarely, is going to make sexual attraction itself a Big Deal. Since it’s so rare, it’s very off putting. It confuses the shit out of us. We don’t know what to do. We don’t know what’s okay and what’s not okay. What’s “normal” and what’s not. We are lost at sea! If this acespec character is one who experiences it rarely, the experience of feeling sexual attraction itself is going to be a Big Deal. Not to say the Big Deal isn’t also the situation that attraction puts the character in. But we’ve got a Big Deal on top of an already Big Deal and you’re gonna be drowning in conflict!

It’s likely to be a similar case to acespecs who only experience it under certain circumstances. Demisexuals, for example. For the most part, demisexuals function as asexual until they develop a special bond for a person and then BAM! They get smacked in the face with a big ol’ heaping pile of sexual attraction. They are also lost at sea, depending on how often they experience sexual attraction.

Acespecs who experience sexual attraction weakly, are going to have a hard time knowing if they’re even experiencing sexual attraction. They tend to question if what they’re feeling is sexual attraction or not. (And most the time, it’s probably not.) Maybe their libido went off while looking at a person, and now they’re trying to conjure up sexy thoughts to figure out if that was sexual attraction. Or maybe their libido did nothing, but they had a sexy thought about the person, and are wondering if that counts as sexual attraction. Maybe they actually know it was sexual attraction, but they just didn’t feel it strong enough to feel any innate desire to act upon it. Basically, this character is highly unlikely to get into any conflict involving the character of desire without some kind of outside intervention from other characters. (One exception might be to get closer to the character to figure out what kind of attraction they’re feeling.)

As for aces who don’t feel sexual attraction but still have sex? They might experience stuff like aesthetic, sensual, and/or romantic attraction. They’ll most likely have a preference towards having sex with someone they feel some attraction to. But they won’t feel sexual attraction for the person. They’ll likely have sex with the person because they’re turned on in general, or want to know what’s like, or they want to make them happy. Just, any reason that doesn’t involve actual sexual attraction towards the person. They’re not going to feel a need to dramatically rip the other person’s clothes off and start going at it then and there. They’ll just go along with things as they happen. They’re more likely to focus on whether they’re doing things right, or on how good the actions feel. They might think about how their partner is aesthetically attractive. Or that they’re in love with them or whatever. They may dig the emotional intimacy they’re getting out of it. If they’re easily distracted, they might start thinking of completely unrelated things. But they’re unlikely to think of how much they want to fuck their partner in particular. 

We also share similar problems to strict asexuals. Even though some of us do experience sexual attraction, there’s the matter of finding someone we’re even sexually attracted to! Or, sexually attracted enough to even pursue the feelings, or share that feeling with our partners. We’re less likely to initiate sex. We’re more likely to be content going without. There’s always exceptions though, especially if the ace has a high libido. Outside of relationships, people can be dismissive of our orientations. Some might think we have a problem that needs to be “fixed,” while others might think we’re being a bunch of special snowflakes and are actually just “normal.” Some of us grew up feeling “broken” until we discovered the ace spectrum. Some of us didn’t realize we were experiencing attraction differently than allos. Some of us didn’t even realize sexual attraction was a thing. 

So, all of that is worth keeping in mind as you go on to develop your acespec character and any situations you throw them in where their experiences as an acespec affects things. You’ll find that it’ll make a more interesting story than simply slapping an acespec label on an otherwise allo character.

Good luck! 💜

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ME TBH

hey queer people,

there is nothing unnatural, wrong, predatory or unlawful about your attraction. your love is safe, beautiful, natural, normal and healthy.

there are various taboos when approaching queer love and attraction. a lot of this is because we don’t learn or talk about it enough growing up, or because the messages we do hear are negative.

part of it is also that we have an extra layer of fear in confessing our attraction that it could realistically not be reciprocated because the other person might not also experience queer attraction.

none of these things make you wrong and i hope you always carry that truth somewhere in your heart.

gay love and attraction is so cool and i will normalise it by being gay every day!

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