Self Worth: Part I 🧚🏻‍♂️

Why laziness doesn't exist

There is probably not a person in the world who hasn't been told at least once, "You're just lazy". We hear about laziness from childhood - from parents, grandparents, and teachers ("A capable girl, but lazy. You should try harder!"). Later we ourselves begin to use this phrase and call ourselves, our partners and children lazy. But is it really that simple with this idea? Dahl's Dictionary tells us that laziness is "a reluctance to work, an aversion to work, to doing, to occupation; a tendency to idleness. Interestingly, laziness is seen here in two senses at once: as a deed or temporary condition when a person does not want to work, or as a permanent character trait - if a person is inclined to do nothing. 

However, psychology treats laziness very differently: it believes that it is neither a feeling nor a quality of character, but a social construct. There are basic emotions - fear, sadness, anger, and joy - that are common to all higher mammals, and we feel them in approximately the same way. But there is no such feeling as laziness - there is a feeling of fatigue or a state of apathy, there is aggression, which can be expressed in the unwillingness to do something (the same "aversion to work"). The character trait "lazy" does not exist either - we use it to describe people who do not want to do something that we think they should. Even if we're talking about ourselves. 

Where does laziness come from? 

Usually laziness is first told to us by parents or teachers. A child may learn that they are "lazy" in different situations: for example, when they are not energetic enough in the opinion of the elders - that is, apathetic and lethargic. A healthy child should really be active, so lethargy is really a cause for concern. But in this case, it is better to consult a doctor or a psychologist, and not to label it. The second and, probably, most frequent variant is when a child is not interested in what his parents consider useful and necessary: "You are lazy to clean the room", "You are lazy to do homework", "You are lazy to visit grandparents. There can be a hundred different reasons for not wanting to do something, but since parents are considered the unquestionable authority, and our culture still does not talk to the child about his desires and feelings, any disobedience is usually blamed on either bad behavior (when the child actively rebels) or laziness (which is considered a passive rebellion). Growing up, we get used to this concept and begin to describe ourselves and other people through it.

Unfortunately, the idea of "laziness" prevents us from understanding our own feelings, motivations, and even our physical condition: sudden apathy, which we habitually dubbed laziness, when examined by a doctor can turn out to be the onset of bronchitis, a low hemoglobin level, or pregnancy. The notion of laziness can cause us to start pushing ourselves. Compare: the phrase "I'm resisting it" prompts further reflection, prompts us to figure out what's going on - what am I resisting, what's the reason? What is it that I don't like or don't like about it? And the words "I am lazy" imply a moralizing view. Laziness here is a "vice" that must be eradicated. "Laziness" is a convenient label for a whole bunch of tangled feelings, uncomfortable and unpleasant relationships, conflicts that keep us from being active 

Psychologists or coaches are often approached with something like this request: "How do I start my tenth project when the previous nine have worn me out to the point of exhaustion?", "I sleep four hours, work twelve hours without days off, and there's no way I can start learning French. I'm lazy, aren't I?" Of course, laziness has nothing to do with it. No amount of self-motivation techniques will help a man who is weary. His problem is rather that he cannot stop thinking of himself as an omnipotent cyborg and recognize himself as a living person with a need for rest, doing nothing, and having fun. Usually in such cases one has to turn to childhood and family attitudes. It is not uncommon there to find ideas that vacations are "shameful," that they have to be "earned" or have good reasons for them (three years without a vacation, a serious illness). Or the attitude that only those who do good are loved. A great deal of usefulness. The person who wants to be loved and accepted begins to work himself to the bone, destroying himself and the close relationship - there is simply no resource left for them. When he feels that the relationship is collapsing, feels unwanted, he tries to work even harder against all odds. Mom and Dad demonstrated that they love hardworking people like that - then, this must be true for other people as well! 

What is laziness hiding?

Very often "laziness" is a convenient label for a whole tangle of confusing feelings, uncomfortable and unpleasant relationships, and conflicts that prevent us from being active. For example, you are "lazy" to get a second higher education or to improve your skills. It's scary to think about: maybe you are "lazy" because you don't want to do something that seems pointless to you? For example, if you did not set the goal yourself - just someone important to you suggested to you that a second higher education is necessary.

If you don't have any energy to go to the courses or to sit at the desk after your main job and you are desperately truant, it's time to ask yourself the question: what was the purpose of all this? If you dream of a career change, maybe just applying for an internship would be enough? Or even just send a resume for a position at a slightly lower salary, writing in all the experience of working in similar occupations. You'd be surprised how much shorter the path to your goal is if you figure out what you really want.

Or maybe the initial goal was to please mom and dad? Then it is worth looking for a less energy-consuming way - and even work with a psychologist on where the demonstration of love and gratitude to parents ends and begins to live other people's life scenarios.

You should be careful if laziness covers you every time when you undertake a task (a meeting, a project, a trip) connected with a certain person or group of people. For example, at work, you put off tasks from a certain client to the last minute, although you always carry out the rest on time - you just can not bring yourself to start. Or you are lazy before a trip to some friends or relatives, although in other cases you endure a much longer trip. It even happens that over and over again you don't want to open a book or watch a movie recommended by someone.

In this case, it is worth remembering what has been happening in your relationship lately. Usually there are good reasons: laziness turns out to be a way to passively resist aggression, violation of boundaries, humiliation, violation of agreements. Indeed, it is "lazy" to meet with a friend who canceled two previous meetings when you were already on your way. And you don't want to do a project for a client, from whom you then have to demand a fee for months. "Too lazy" to go to relatives who criticize your lifestyle, who are rude, who violate boundaries. And you don't even want to read a book from a person who treats you badly - and it's not that you supposedly don't seek knowledge, but that difficult feelings about the person are transferred to reading, watching a movie, or traveling.

"You're just being lazy!"

The phrase "you're just lazy" is also an excellent means of manipulation. Essentially, the person is telling you, "I want you to do this. If you don't do it, I'll think you're bad, and I'll try to instill that same thought in you." The appropriate thing to talk about here is not the qualities of your character, but the activity that you are supposedly lazy to do.

Talking about an employee being lazy at work can be a "good" way to brush off all the uncomfortable issues, from salary delays to imbalances of power and responsibility. In this way, the employer may be trying to move the conversation away from the business relationship into categories of evaluation and morality, and that's wrong. You may be "lazy" to take on other people's responsibilities and overwork without extra pay. Or you are "too lazy" to do a project yourself that requires more formal authority and promotion. And here it's very helpful to call things by their proper names: "I'm sorry, I don't think it's acceptable to require me to stay until 9 p.m. on a Friday night without overtime pay," "In order to take on this project, I must have the authority to sign documents and your power of attorney."

When your partner says you are "just too lazy" to mop the floors and make dinner after a full day of work, instead of accusations and excuses, it's more appropriate to talk about how to share household chores. If you are "too lazy" to visit my mother at the cottage hundreds of miles from the city, it is worth thinking about what was going on in your relationship or if you are not tired. In any case, it is useful to think not about laziness, but about whether a working person is physically able to drive six hours through traffic on Saturday to the cottage to return home the same way on Sunday night to Monday, and how necessary it is to express love for parents in this form (this is a big question).

One of the most difficult issues is when there is conflict behind laziness. The worst is when what you do conflicts with your values - to exaggerate, it's very hard to be vegan and work at a meatpacking plant, or to advocate for body positivity and promote beauty pageants. In this case, laziness is literally salvation. It is a healthy resistance to what one considers immoral, harmful, or dishonest. And activities that go against your life principles are best changed as soon as possible because they are destructive.

The idea of laziness is like a trash can, where all kinds of unwanted and uncomfortable feelings are thrown out instead of being dealt with. So if you are suddenly overwhelmed by laziness and guilt about it, it's time to rummage in that garbage can, pull out your accumulated feelings and emotions, and examine them carefully.

written by psychologist Yana Shagova, published in Wonderzine, translated from russian using DeepL

“Step into the fire of self-discovery. This fire will not burn you, it will only burn what you are not.”

— Mooji

Proper boundaries

1959 "Cigarette Psychology" article explains 9 ways people hold cigarettes & what it says about you

Holy Fuck. I ACTUALLY DID IT

A bit of a life update! After two long LONG years of relentlessly studying, preparing research, taking exams, and writing endless papers..

I'm happy to announce I have graduated with honors with a Master in Clinical Psychology. I ended this journey with a 4.0 GPA and in the top percentage of my graduating class!

“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

— Albert Einstein

if you remove all labels, what remains?

Man is many things, but he is not rational.

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray,

“You can believe anything if you do not accept the facts your senses dictate: for nothing is impossible to imagine. Imagining, if persisted in and believed, will create its own reality.”

—Neville Goddard