More “wtf Are Humans, Please Leave The Rest Of Us Be” Stuff:

It’s early in the morning and nobody will probably read this but I just had the greatest ‘humans are space orcs’ idea

Imagine if humans are the only species that experiences impatience.

Think about it. Most prey animals are extremely patient. Ever meet a deer or a rabbit in the woods and hold still to try and out-wait the thing? I can guarantee your brain starts sending bored bored bored messages very quickly, and your instincts start telling you to give up and find something else to do. Humans can do the patience thing- as evidenced by our endurance hunting methods- but our instincts tell us not to. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this feels like a predator development. I have the idea that if aliens are mostly prey-based, and we’re predator-based, then the aliens will be very patient and we just aren’t.

As an evolutionary development, being impatient can be brilliant. It means that we didn’t sit around and wait for the ice caps to warm up, we knew we didn’t have the technology to survive that level of cold, but we did it anyways. We were trying to send people into the sky and then into space before we had fully figured it all out, simply because we didn’t want to wait and think it out, we wanted SPACE and we wanted it NOW. And personally, I tend to be extremely productive and inventive when I’m feeling impatient. Mechanic is booked for a few days? I’ll figure out how to change my oil and tires and tint my car’s windows myself. Strawberry season is still 4 months away? I’ll get a heat lamp setup and grow them myself. Friends can’t visit and help move furniture for a week? I’ll build a trolley out of some toy cars, tape, a chessboard, and do all the lifting myself.

This impatience is what made us design faster cars, faster computers, faster internet, faster communication, methods of growing food faster, of processing food faster, we’re always looking for the quickest and most efficient thing simply because we are not patient. 

Impatience leads to a type of creativity and persistence that patience just doesn’t have.

Imagine aliens starting to realize this.

“You got to your moon before you had developed LED screens??? You didn’t even have computers that could do basic math?!” “Well, what else were we gonna do, sit around and wait?”

“Your planes don’t have gravitational control? Don’t you experience discomfort from the acceleration and directional changes?” “Sure. But we needed to get on the other side of the planet in a decent amount of time.” “So… what you’re articulating is that you’d rather have physical distress than have to have a long journey?” “Yeah, pretty much.”

“Human____, our mechanical teams will be on site in several of your earth hours, so we won’t be going anywhere until then.” “Screw that. Where’s the manual for this thing? I bet I can fix it.” “But you don’t have any mechanical training.” “I also don’t feel like sitting around on this rock for ages.”

“You’re back already? I thought your medical representative told you to not be walking on that limb for another of your weeks.” “Ugh. I just can’t anymore. I’ve got to get up and move and do something, anything.” “But doesn’t that hurt to walk on?” “Absolutely.” “…You would choose pain over waiting?” “What can I say, I’m not a patient person.”

Like aliens just being baffled that humans would rather work hard or struggle with a problem or even experience pain and discomfort. They, as prey species, are used to just waiting it out. They don’t have the same impatience driving them to get up and go and to fight through things just because they can’t wait any longer.

Bonus:  Human: Ain’t nobody got time for that! Alien: Why don’t you have time? Is something scheduled soon? Human: No, I just don’t feel like wasting time. Alien: But… it’s not wasted. It’s time well spent. And you do technically have the time to spare for that. If there’s nothing scheduled, then you do ‘got time for that’. Human: No. No, I don’t. It’s just… no.

My contribution to the humans are space orcs, it’s probably been seen before but oh well.

So, You guys know about pursuit/persistence hunting right? Where we just follow the prey without stopping until it slows down or drops dead from fear and exhaustion? 

What if when aliens first discover earth, the thoughts of these bipedal predatory omnivores are bad enough but we seem pretty obsessed with farming our food so maybe we aren’t much of a threat.

Once humans are zipping about in space, that’s when they realise that these harmless bipedal omnivorous farmers are actually hunters who just never give up.

If someone hurts their crew, they just follow it for days before killing it. These soft fleshy things are terrifying. These soft fleshy things may not be the strongest or fastest but we are some of the hardest damn things to kill because we just won’t die and if we survive we won’t stop until we get you. 

We farm things because we can and because it’s easy. Not because we have to in order to survive.

We farm things because we’re too busy fighting each other to hunt for everything.

We stake out areas, we mimic its noises, we stalk it, we put ourselves in danger to kill a food source for fun. 

I have only once contained this much terror and confusion at a time,.and that encounter involved a Quag'snartian Fleshchanger.

how would aliens react to tattoos? like, some humans undergo large amounts of pain to have an image permanetly inked on their skin and sometimes the reason is no more than "eh, it looks cool"

“Human Tyler, you seem to have acquired pigmented particles under your skin.” Rytrinq began, trying to gain their attention at the same time as xe remained polite and considerate. “Do you wish time to cleanse yourself?” Xe asked, quite pleased with xemself for remembering the appropriate question.

“Fuck off, don’t be rude.” Human Tyler repeated, looking enraged for some reason. Granted, Rytrinq didn’t have the longest experience deciphering human mannerisms, but the wording didn’t leave much room for ambiguity. “This took a loot of time, and I’ll have you know I’m really happy with how it turned out.” They added, baffling Rytrinq further.

“You got dirt under your skin on purpose?” Xe asked, getting more confused each time Tyler spoke. Fortunately, it seemed they realised xe genuinely didn’t understand. Or at least they were willing to indulge him. 

“It’s not dirt. It’s ink, and yes. It’s called a tattoo. It’s art.” They said, clearly still angry, though they did look slightly less terrifying, which xe decided to count as progress. Xe had heard that human art came in many forms, but xe had never heard of one involving the human body itself.

“Human Tyler, that is immensely intriguing. How is it made?” Xe asked, relieved when they seemed to realise it was a case of cultural confusion rather than xem being purposefully rude.

“Well, you go to a tattoo artist, and they make the design and then make a sort of template, I guess you could call it. Anyway, they put that on the place you want the tattoo, and it transfers a bit of ink so the artist’s got something to guide them. And then they have this machine, which is basically a bunch of needles that pierce the skin with ink. Which the artist use to sort of draw on the skin, leaving cool art like this.” Human Tyler said, adding a pointed look for the last part while showing off the art. Rytrinq was however too worried - and quite frankly terrified - to think too much about it.

“It pierces your skin and drags the ink machine through your skin? Is that not painful?” Xe asked

“What? No, no it goes up and down into the skin. If you drag it without the needles getting up you’ll end up with big scars. It does kind of hurt, but it’s not that bad.” They answered, clearly believing that to sound better. As if getting stabbed multiple times was no big deal.

“What purpose does it serve? Is it a hierarchical or sociological requirement?”

“No, some people don’t even like them. Think they look unprofessional or whatever bullshit like that. But it doesn’t really have a purpose.” Human Tyler answered with a brief elevation of their shoulder area.

“Then why do you put yourself through the pain?” Xe wondered. They had to have some reason after all, right?

“Eh, it looks cool. I mean, I just really like daffodils, always have. They’re cool.” They said, once again reminding Rytrinq that xe would never fully understand humans.

This is concerning, multiple people contained within one body? That poses a great advantage to the humans that have this ability.

Humans are weird

So I’ve been seeing a bunch of these humans are weird space orcs from space Australia stories touching on different mental illnesses but haven’t seen any on DID so I thought I’d take a crack at it:

Zu'lak: Human Tera!

*seconds go bye*

Zu'lak: *starts moving closer* Human Tera!

Me *whispery scratchy voice*: Oh hey, uh Tera isn’t around at the moment, whaddya need?

Zu'lak: What do you mean Human Tera is not here? I can clearly see you standing in front of me. And what is wrong with your voice? Are you ill?

Me: *sighs* In a way yes. We have this disorder, dissociative identity disorder, it’s something our brain did as a coping mechanism as a result of trauma as a child. In layman’s terms we essentially have multiple people sharing a body.

Zu'lak: I do not understand. You have multiple sentient life forms all inhabiting one body? And you are still able to function? How many of you are there?

Me: More or less yeah, there are a LOT of other stuff that come along with it. And the amount of people can vary from system to system, some have just a few, some have dozens.

Zu'lak: Dozens?? *writes all this down in a notebook* So if you are not Human Tera what are you referred to as?

Me: Dawn.

Zu'lak: Very well Human Dawn–

Me: Just Dawn is fine.

Zu'lak: Very well Dawn. Come with me you must inform me of all you know of this disorder you have so we may accommodate you accordingly.

Quite a few have been saying:”But what about laughing?”, in the comments of my ‘Weird Human Reactions to Fear: the Singing Edition’ post. My question is: do you know why humans laugh when shit gets real?

Laughter is our brain’s Blue Screen of Death.

Where a computer would throw up an error and possibly crash, our brains go:”well, shit”, and hit the big red button labelled: ‘LAUGHTER (and possibly applause, but probably not applause)’. Since we need our brains 24/7, we don’t have the luxury of error messages. So our brains buy some time to figure out what’s going on by making us laugh in the weirdest situations.

Imminent doom? Laugh.

Absolutely livid? Laugh.

Distraught? Laugh.

Pretty sure you’re gonna die? Laugh.

I mean, we can’t be sure the aliens don’t have brains that work the same way, but seeing as other animals on Planet Earth don’t really have that either… that’d probably freak them the fuck out too.

Not only do the gangly bipeds sing when they’re scared, they could just as easily start laughing.

Another humans are weird/space orcs idea that came to me while trying to drink water upside down:

Humans are apex predators. We’re unbreakable and relentless and legion and lethal. Nothing gets to us- except us.

It’s the stupidest little things that can stop up a human.

Many aliens have theorized about this. Perhaps with no natural enemies, the species tried to threaten them with themselves in a desperate search for some kind of challenge. Maybe it’s cosmic karma for being nigh unstoppable. Maybe they had transcended so much that the nuances of life were tiny and incomprehensible to them. Maybe it’s natural selection trying to thin the herd.

Whichever the cause, it’s a strange combination of disturbing and amusing to see a human be defeated by itself. It’s a little alarming to see the most resilient and powerful species in the universe be completely shut down with things that pale in comparison to their normal challenges.

Seeing a human function almost completely fully with several broken bones… but absolutely crippled and reduced to using one arm when faced with a large hangnail.

My dad broke his leg in a snowmobile accident in such a way that the bone was sticking out of his leg. He crawled a half mile in the snow to the nearest house to ask for help. But when he stubs his toe on the coffee table every few weeks, it’ll bring him to his knees.

I recently got a double conch piercing done- two massive needles shoved through the thickest cartilage in my ear, one right after the other. I’ve got 5 other piercings. None, not even the conch, hurt as much as getting a single hair yanked out of my head.

I see people eat some of the world’s hottest foods all laced with capsaicin which can kill things, and drink alcohol that’s literally poisonous, and break pen cases with their teeth. But a too cold slush drink? Unable to talk or move, head between the knees, for about two minutes, because brain freeze. Or, better yet, sometimes we literally choke on spit. Nearly asphyxiate. Because we regularly ‘swallow down the wrong hole’. 

Alien: Why did you say, last month, that your broken ribs and arm and massive blood loss was ‘fine’, but when you got a paper cut today, you cried for ten minutes and now still refuse to unwrap your wound? It is tiny in comparison to some things that you’ve faced without hesitation.

Human: Honestly it’s really stupid and I don’t really know, but I will swear up and down and until the day I die, a broken bone hurts way less than a paper cut.

Alien: But… no. It’s not worse. It… that doesn’t make sense.

Human: I know, right? But it’s true. 

4th Dimensional sensitivity? This will cause the Invasion to become far more difficult.

My contribution for the humans are weird: Deja Vu eddition

The concept of deja vu. Like it doesn’t happen that often to humans so it’s pretty normal if aliens didn’t know that can happen to a human. Maybe it only happens to humans and aliens misunderstand the entire concept.

One time on an away mission we encountered it first. It was with human-Chloe, our pilot. I and a few others were with her sent to explore an unknown asteroid belt. It was fairly dangerous but we had learned that human instinct, their so called ‘gut feeling’ was quite handy at times. So the captain assigned her with us. I still don’t know how the human gut is involved in their logical thinking, something that to known knowledge happens in their brains, but who knows with that species. 

We had mapped the outer rings and were busy with the inner parts of the belt, all went well. Human-Chloe cut some close edges, she calls it efficient manoeuvring, I call it nausiating, but we finished mapping the belt and were ready to fly back. I was watching human-Chloe closely, trying to brace myself for her ‘efficient manoeuvring’ when I noticed her shift uncomfertable in her chair. ‘Is everything okay human-Chloe?’ I asked. She turned around and brushed it off. ‘Oh, just deja vu.’ ‘What is that? Are you alright?’ I asked. Humans are know to be able to brush of major pain when they are busy. I looked outside anxiously. We were flying through a dense astroid field, human-Chloe needed to be in top condition for this and her frowning didn’t reasure me at all.

‘I just feel like I’ve experienced this before.’ Human-Chloe explained. She made a sharp turn, way to sharp if you ask me. ‘It’s nothing to worry about.’ I didn’t dare question her any further, instead held on for dear life as she nearly crashed into some astroids. I never knew humans were sensitive to the fourth dimension. But it would explain why human-Chloe wasn’t worried at all when cutting close edges. If she knew what was going to happend then that would explain why she was such a good pilot. This was great news, fourth dimentional sensitives on our crew! I knew there was more to that ‘gut-feeling’ of theirs.

When we got back I immediately went to update the system on our human knowledge. Weird they never mentioned it before, maybe humans think everyone has that. I can’t wait to ask human-Chloe how their 4D sensitivity works in detail!!

((Start at 1:51))

One day more!

One day more to revolution

We will

nip it

in the bud!

We’ll be ready for these schoolboys

They will wet themselves with blood!

One day more!

Watch ‘em run amok Catch ‘em as they fall

Never know your luck when there’s a free-for-all!

Here’s a little “dip” There a little “touch”

Most of ‘em are goners so they won’t miss much!

One day to a new beginning (Raise the flag of freedom high!)

Every man will be a king (Every man will be a king!)

There’s a new world for the winning (There’s a new world to be won!)

Do you hear the people sing?

My place is here, I fight with you!

One day more!

We will join these people’s heroes We will follow where they go

We will learn their little secrets, We will know the things they know.

One day more!

Watch ‘em run amok Catch 'em as they fall Never know your luck when there’s a free-for-all!

One more day to revolution We will nip it in the bud We’ll be ready for these schoolboys

Tomorrow we’ll be far away,

Tomorrow is the judgement day

Tomorrow we’ll discover What our God in heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT YOU COULDENT GET ANY WEIRDER!!!???

Morning Poison

Xylo had just finished making a fresh batch of poison to fill the Alpha Squadron’s blow darts before they left to explore the hostile planet of Dran’dal. Made from a plant the humans had introduced them to, the substance was highly lethal if shot into one’s bloodstream, or ingested. Xylo was about to pour the substance into darts when the ship’s resident human wandered in. She had obviously been looking for something, and her eyes lit up when she saw the steaming liquid in the beaker in Xylo’s hand. “Yo, Xy. Can I have some of that?”

Xylo went still and turned toward the human quizzically, but handed her the beaker. “Of course?” It came out sounding like more of a question than a statement, but the human had bonded with everyone on board the ship, so there was no risk of her doing something with lethal consequen- Xylo’s thoughts were cut off by alarm as the human raised the beaker to her lips and downed the contents. They scrambled for the comm at their hip, desperate to call a medic, but they knew it was already too late. Still, somehow the human rushed towards them.

“Xylo, what’s wrong?” Her forehead creased in concern, but not for herself, Xylo realized. She was concerned for them.

They tried to keep their voice from shaking as they answered, “You just drank an entire batch of poison. How are you not dead?”

A flash of confusion flashed across the human’s face, before she started laughing. Xylo stared. They had long gotten used to the human habit of using signs of aggression as an indication they were happy or found something humorous, but there was nothing humorous about ingesting poison.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” the human managed to say after they had calmed down. “But that’s not poison, not to humans anyway. We call that coffee. A lot of us drink it every morning because the caffeine helps us stay awake.”

Xylo’s blank stare slowly changed to shocked horror. “It’s the caffeine that’s poisonous…”

Humans are weird...

I love all these humans are weird posts so I’m trying my hand at one. I’ve been thinking, humans are like, ridiculous specialists. Our brains is so big we’re born prematurely so as not to tear our mothers apart. And we’re born crazy weak and we have super long childhoods to compensate. We pack bond and bond with bigger creatures to deal with this (this is why we think babies of all species are cute, it’s basically a drive to take care of this weak little thing because our own children are so weak). So what if alien species evolved so there was one, super weak but really brilliant species, has fine motor skills, huge language skills etc, and one that evolved as a symbiote that was basically huge protective dog/ox type to do the heavy lifting. And it’s really bizarre that we don’t have this symbiosis. Like the fact that humans are a stand alone species is weird. We seem huge and bulky to the tiny intelligent species (in my head it’s basically an otter/raven hybrid) and small and delicate to the other. And they don’t get how we function alone, until they see us spilling our pack bonding instincts all over everything, hostile predators, teddy bears, roombas, even cups with little chips in them. And then it’s like, oh I see, you don’t bond really strongly to one thing you bond just a little bit to everything and wait to see what sticks.