Not On TikTok Often But I Heard This Audio I Had To Make This Edit With It. Here's A Link To The Original

Also something really important I want to point out about Aziraphale's religious trauma.

It's often framed as him being directly abused by Heaven, generally emotionally. And while I don't doubt he's been belittled at points - probably not by Gabriel, the iconic exemplar of the Toxic Positivity boss, but we know how Michael and Uriel etc. can be - it also seems like he's received quite a lot of praise and has generally managed to pull off the appearance of being A Good Angel, or at least a satisfactory one. I don't think, and this is controversial, but I don't think Heaven was usually overtly hard on him.

Because that's not how this kind of cult mentality usually operates. Instead, it teaches you to abuse yourself. Your overseers don't have to directly hurt or insult you if you're so ingrained with fear of failure by the culture you were brought up in that you constantly question yourself as not good enough.

It's not as... satisfying, I guess? As an external abuser being the main issue. But it's a lot more real. At least to me, because I suffered so much anxiety over being 'good' when I was a kid, and it wasn't from direct abuse. It was absorbed from the culture I was surrounded by. I picked it up by osmosis from society at large, and it tormented me. I worried, I doubted, there was a time I literally feared going to Hell. And I wasn't raised strongly religious. My mother certainly treated me as a Good Kid, and never gave even the suggestion that I wasn't. But I felt that way anyway. And it tore me apart. Because internalizing that shit makes it so much harder to fight.

And to be clear at this point, I am not saying Heaven isn't abusive. I just think the nature of its abuse is more subtle and insidious than it's often given credit for. And - this is even harder to accept, but it's true, and it's important - it's not just abusive to Az. All the angels are victims of it. Yes, even Gabriel. The moment he, one of the most powerful forces in Heaven, steps out of line, we see that no one is exempt. Never even mind Muriel, who is literally on the lowest rung of the Heavenly ladder and has probably never been told they're worth anything beyond being, you know, an angel, so at least you're better than humans and demons.

It's a contrast with Crowley, who has long since accepted most (not all, there are definitely some deep issues remaining, but they're nothing like Aziraphale's) of his internal doubts and struggles. His fears are almost entirely external. He doesn't beat himself up if he fucks up. He doesn't have to. There are people happy to beat him up for him. So when things go really bad for him, his instinct is to run. To get out of the way of harm as much as possible.

The fact that Aziraphale is harder on himself than anyone else could be is a vital part of his character. He self-punishes. He self-criticizes. He feels awful every time he breaks the rules in the slightest, even though he isn't usually caught at it. Crowley can find some safety in solitude if he keeps his wits sharp and his head down. Aziraphale can't, because he carries Heaven's conditioning with him at all times. He doesn't need oversight, it doesn't take external threats to keep him in line. You don't need direct threats when literally everyone in your celestial workplace has seen firsthand the consequences of rebellion.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Again, this is informed by personal experience and I can't claim to be unbiased. But I see so much internalization with Aziraphale. He literally can't even accept praise without being nervous as hell, and I don't think it's fear of punishment or ridicule that's his primary motivation. He simply cannot ever be good enough for himself.

That's how they get you.

Anyway, I think it's why his reaction to disaster is the opposite to Crowley's, why he feels he has to turn and face it and somehow avert the horror (or, alternatively, find some way to reconcile it in his head and accept it - because let's be real, that's often what happens) rather than get himself away. He's less afraid of failing his superiors than he is of failing himself. And God, who is, objectively, the biggest abuser in the entire story.

Why am I just now realizing that Angel, Baxter, Travis, Sir Penguins and a bunch of other characters are in this scene? Like, I don’t know if someone else has already noticed (most likely, I just haven’t seen anything) And who is the bigger character in the back hunched over? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!?????

Can we just take a moment to appreciate a Baghra. Like she’s been put in a cave covered by a waterfall by her son for weeks and the first thing she says is “You’ve kept me in this hellhole for weeks and even I look better than you.”

YES!!!!!!! Or he’s lost and he’s trying to find his dad or uncle. SQ IN A SUITCASE!!!!!!!

Can we have a show of just SQ going on random adventures? Like I NEED TO KNOW IF HES OK!!!!!!!!!!

This is how Dreamscapers ended. I was there, I was Bill’s bow tie.

Please don’t let this flop this is the best thing I’ve ever drawn so far lmao

I think it’s the fact that Aziraphale doesn’t actually want Crowley to change, not really, that kills me. He wants to protect him, make it easier for them to be together. He doesn’t want to be separated from him any more than Crowley wants to be. He still wants to be good and he thinks that in taking Crowley with him to Heaven they can still have the same relationship as they do on Earth. Aziraphale doesn’t understand, not like Crowley does. Crowley has been at the mercy of both Heaven and Hell, quite literally punished by both. Aziraphale went to Hell to save Crowley and witnessed the blunt cruelty of Hell. Aziraphale still believes Heaven to be pure because Heaven covers its corruption with ‘good’ intentions. Crowley knows better.

I like how we all took a collective look at Vox and thought ‘What a pathetic excuse of a man’, and loved him even more for it.

Oh wait, didn’t he technically already do this? In the second episode he literally gets knocked out with a taser and then was like “it’s fine, everything is completely fine. I wasn’t almost just kidnapped!” 😑.

Why do I get the feeling that Mr. Benedict would be that one character to get stabbed but never say anything about it. Like, he would probably try to handle it himself if it wasn’t life threatening. Until he passes out that is. (A certain tall person realizing beforehand and making sure he’s ok.)

I’ve already seen some things on this, but what would have happened it Nickolas had been brainwashed and just. Froze. In front of Nathanial. Like what would have happened? (Also let’s completely ignore the fact that they said they needed EVERYONE but decided not to at least check on Nickolas, I mean I kind of understand but they didn’t even mention him.) Would Number Two finally be allowed to beat up Curtain?(kind of joking. Kind of.) Would Curtain figure out how to save them? If not him then who? Don’t get me wrong, Nickolas faking being still in the fake happiness state and using to his advantage was amazing ( and yes it was slightly cruel but than you think about what Curtain did and feel zero remorse.) but it would have been interesting to see the alternative. (That or I just have the need to traumatize all my favorite characters.) WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE BACKGROUND ON THE TWINS😭😭😭😭😭😭 still, I like what they did.(that could have made Curtain’s redemption arc less ‘rushed’ because he could have saved Constance and Nickolas by figuring it out.)