Otoculast - Untitled

Once again thinking about Vincent as pope…

Vincent hating the attention he’s given for doing simple things such as carrying his own bags, knowing the Swiss guards names, hugging children when they run up to him. Vincent despising how every human thing he does immediately becomes a headline: “Pope listening to music!” (He was wearing headphones and listening to some old favorites while hanging out with the turtles) “Innocent XIV goes shopping!” (He forgot to bring a book to the airport and just wanted to buy something to read on the plane) “The pope wears converse!” (He’d owned the same pair of shoes for three years, and he’d stitched them up himself after the fabric tore)

Vincent feeling more isolated than ever. Despite never being alone, there is not a single person who treats him as a person. He’s constantly watched, yet never invited into casual conversations, no one asks him to join them for coffee, no one rants about their boring work or tells him about their favorite books or talks about the weather.

Vincent waking up in a cold sweat most nights. Dreams of war haunting his sleep, the faces of the dead burned into his mind. He wakes up gasping for air, or screaming, or running to the bathroom to throw up.

Vincent sleeping on the floor more often than the bed. Vincent flinching at loud noises and always scanning the room for threats and ways to escape.

Vincent having flashbacks and panic attacks on the floor of his bathroom, not being able to call anyone for help because he’s the pope, he’s not allowed to fall apart or ask for help or take a break.

Vincent who cannot handle being snuck up on from behind, who can’t have meat that isn’t well done, Vincent who hides his shaking hands behind his back as he speaks about the saints who were stoned to death, because he knows what that looks like.

Vincent who once gets so startled by the bang of a bible being dropped onto the floor of St Peter’s cathedral while he’s holding mass that he instinctively ducks behind the altar, covering his head, sure that he’s back in the war. Vincent who has to continue his sermon with shaking hands and voice, with his normally so present and kind eyes suddenly showing a far-away look. And Vincent who has to read the headlines afterwards, despite Aldo doing his best to shield him.

I also think about Thomas.

Thomas who tries to joke with Vincent about how the masses have never seen a pope young enough to have the strength to carry his own bags, Thomas who reminds him that even though he is the pope, he’s still human.

Thomas who, despite this, is unable to call him Vincent. Thomas who has always seen the papacy as closest to the God he has such a hard time reaching, and Thomas who no longer sees Vincent when he looks at the pope.

Thomas who tries to comfort Vincent, but keeps calling him Your Holiness, and watching as Vincent pulls away more and more.

Thomas who once entered Vincent’s room at night to leave him an urgent document, and found the pope curled up on the floor.

Thomas who always sees when Vincent’s hands start to shake, who can sense Vincent’s breathing quicken and his eyes start searching for escape routes. Thomas who can’t do anything to help, because the pope cannot be seen having to be escorted away because of anxiety.

Thomas who tries to learn what triggers Vincent, Thomas who takes notes on what makes the pope flinch or shake or hide away. Thomas who discreetly informs the rest of the staff closest to Vincent about how important it is to never sneak up on him from behind, or serve him anything resembling torn off flesh.

Thomas who finally sees how Vincent is actually doing once the incident at mass happens. Thomas who argues with everyone to try to allow Vincent to end mass early, but failing. Thomas who sends the altar boys and deacons away from the sacristy once mass is over and finally greets the pope by his original name.

Thomas who opens his arms and his heart as he sees the shaking man in front of him. “Oh my dear Vincent” he says, and his heart breaks as Vincent falls into his arms and sobs.

Thomas who holds him tightly, whispering apologies for letting this continue, who promises to be better. Thomas who helps Vincent change out of his sweat soaked vestments, and who lets Vincent explain the horrors he’s seen.

I also think about Aldo

Aldo who’s in the background of it all. Who sees how the new pope seems to be getting even thinner than he was. Aldo who tries his best to minimize Vincent’s amount of paperwork on the days where the pope arrives to breakfast at 5 am with bloodshot eyes and holding his mug of tea with trembling hands.

Aldo who more than once has held up Vincent’s hair as he throws up after stressful meetings with world leaders who are decimating entire populations. Aldo who sometimes pretends not to see invites from some of the dictators he knows Vincent hates the most.

Aldo who tries his best to keep the news away from Vincent whenever he’s in the headlines. Aldo who brings Vincent hot chocolate whenever he knows an article will have upset him.

Aldo who always remembers to make his steps louder or clear his throat if he’s walking up to the pope from behind. Who will always make sure there is a vegetarian option that won’t remind the pope of wounded and dead bodies.

Aldo who every so often sees the pope’s eyes flicker to the side, and knows it means Vincent is quietly suppressing the most horrible flashbacks, even with a smile on his face. And Aldo who always makes sure he has an excuse ready to get Vincent out of situations when it happens.

Aldo who tries his very very best to make Thomas realise that Vincent needs him.

Aldo who feels a weight leave his heart once he sees Thomas leading a shaking Vincent through the halls of the Santa Martha, and who smiles when they both enter the Homy Father’s room.

#dunmeshi

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