Ouch-ness - Just Here

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metaphor refantazio hulkenberg metaphor metaphor spoilers strohl metaphor will metaphor

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ouch-ness

1 year ago

A phoenixflare idea I may or may not explore in fic at some point: Joshua falls first.

By, oh, give or take 20 years or so.

It’s hero-worship when they meet as children. Joshua is painfully aware that Clive is the one the Phoenix should have chosen, while he’s a frail pile of embers terrified he can’t live up to expectations. Dion, meanwhile, is the strong, brave, perfect heir, who bears Bahamut’s strength so easily, so chivalrous and noble. Everything Clive should have had, everything Joshua wishes he could be - and yet beneath it all, the compelling hint of a loneliness and uncertainty Joshua knows well.

Then, Phoenix Gate. Joshua loses everything. He spends his adolescence being raised in secret and shuffled around by a cult that worships him as something close to a god. Even his closest companion cannot treat him as an equal. I’m sure he’s lonely, and as he learns more of Ultima, I’m sure he longs for someone else to share the burden.

Imagine Joshua drinking in every story he hears of Dion the Bold. Maybe he daydreams about the handsome prince sweeping in to take him away from this stressful, secretive life. Maybe he imagines them joining forces to save the world. Maybe as he gets older, other thoughts creep in, fuelled by everything he hears about how handsome Prince Dion is as an adult.

(Maybe he hears rumours that the prince does not care for women, and maybe it makes his heart flutter with ridiculous hope.)

(Maybe he also has some fairly intense thoughts about what a man with a body like Dion’s could do to him in, on, or anywhere near a bed, but let’s keep this relatively PG.)

Imagine Joshua nursing this crush for years, for more than a decade. Clinging to it like a long-lost keepsake, finding it changes with him as he grows: from something innocent to something heated to something complicated and deep.

Because when he’s old enough and strong enough to travel on his own, of course his ears still prick up at every mention of Dion’s name. The battles he’s fought for the Empire. The orders he’s been given, sometimes less than honourable. The Empire’s growing greed, first glimpsed in the treachery at Phoenix Gate, now writ large in its annexation of Rosaria - then later in the invasion of the Crystalline Dominion. The people all say Dion is a good man, a thoughtful leader, a true prince. Is he uneasy with the change in his country and his father? Does he see the shadows lengthening too? Or is he complicit, no longer the shining idol of Joshua’s youth?

And Joshua is smart enough to doubt his own motives. He wants to approach Dion as a potential ally, but can he trust his own judgement? Does he really believe, in objective terms, that Dion will help him - or is he still in love with the stories he told himself all those years?

(And can he bear it, if it turns out Dion isn’t who Joshua wants him to be?)

So he hesitates. He waits. He waits until events make it clear that the Emperor intends to pass over Dion in favour of Olivier. Joshua knows then that whatever else, Dion is not a part of his father’s scheming. Approaching him is a risk worth taking now, as long as Joshua can put aside his childish daydreams and unrequited longing, meet the man as he truly is, see past the fantasy.

No wonder he’s tight as a wire when he steps into that tent. No wonder he keeps his hands gripped out of sight behind his back. No wonder he moves like every step, every breath, every word, is one he considered beforehand. No wonder he buys himself a few seconds picking up the fallen flower, restoring it, keeping his eyes off Dion as he fights his pounding heart.