Confessions (a Moment In Time)

confessions (a moment in time)

“Harry, I didn’t think you knew what you were saying, and if I was scared shitless. I thought if I told you I loved you, if I told you that I’ve spent more hours staring at your stupid hair than doing charms homework this whole year, or that my fingertips itch every time I see you because I want to hold you close so badly, or that the night you told me you thought I was brilliant in November, I wrote six pages in my journal about everything I found brilliant about you, I thought if i told you all that that you would laugh at me, that you’d tell me I was crazy and that you were just babbling on drunkenly and that I was a fucking idiot. I wanted to pull you up into my bedroom and take you apart and see you in  my bed and in front of my fireplace and wearing my sweaters and eating my Christmas brunch with mother, I wanted that more than anything. But I was so scared, Harry. I’ve never even told anyone I was gay. Blaise and I hooked up on and off when we were younger all the time but we never talked about it,” Harry shuddered here, and tried to look away, but Draco grabbed his chin and brought their eyes back together.

“Harry, Blaise means nothing. I was trying to pretend that I could move on without you, but I can’t. And knowing that you love me… knowing that the last few months haven’t been a hallucination… that is everything to me. Everything, Harry. I know it shouldn’t happen this fast, but I can’t help how I feel, and I can’t help that every part of me is on fire right now. I know I fucked up at Christmas. I know I should’ve just been honest with you, but I’m a downright coward, which you’ll never hear me admit again. I didn’t know what to do and how to tell you how I felt. I still don’t know how to tell you I feel. I never talk about my emotions and I wasn’t raised to care about anything, but this is different. I feel this.”

“You’re not a coward… and Draco, you have me. You’ve had me since the second week of November when I found you watching the snow and smiling and I realized I could watch you for hours and hours without ever tiring.”

Draco kissed him again, and Harry felt like every part of him was filled with a glowing light.

Draco finally pulled away to look down at Harry. “Why aren’t you wearing a cloak, H?”

“What was that you said about taking me apart?”

“Don’t think we aren’t coming back to the cloak” Draco muttered, but he reached down and intertwined his fingers with Harry’s, dragging him towards his rooms without hesitation.

***

Much later that night, Harry lay with his head on Draco’s clothed chest, switching between mustering up the courage to ask Draco why he had stopped Harry from removing his shirt, and staring at Draco’s perfect hand that played with his own, dancing across his torso.

Draco finally lost his hand and started tracing Harry’s jaw, to incline his head so they could look at each other. “What are you thinking so hard about?” He asked quietly, not wanting to break the magic, figurative and literal, lingering in the air around them.

“You know you’re beautiful, right?” Harry asked back.

“Yes, you could never measure up.” Draco murmured back, accompanying his words with a light eskimo kiss, drowning Harry in his affection.

“no- Draco I mean… I think you’re the most beautiful person in the world. I won’t…. There’s nothing I would judge you for… and! And we’ve talked about your mark before… you know I don’t mind that.” Harry tried to ask without asking, and luckily Draco picked up on it.

“oh… no Harry it’s not that. I’m just… I can’t… I”

“Draco… I love you. There’s nothing you could-”

“Okay…” Draco cut him off and started to unbutton his white shirt. Harry could see his fingers trembling with nerves, so he hoisted himself up to straddle Draco’s waist and brushed Draco’s hands away gently. Silently, he took over undressing the boy—his boy—beneath him. When he finally pushed the shirt off of Draco, Draco sitting up to allow the sleeves to be pushed off, Harry felt his heart sinking to his stomach.

Draco dropped back down to the mattress below him, refusing to look at Harry.

His eyes flew open as Harry’s seemingly permanently cold fingers began tracing the scars. As Harry’s hand shook, he touched the damage that he had caused to this person he loved so much. He couldn’t imagine anything Draco had ever done warranting this kind of pain. The darkness that Harry had come to know started to creep back in and all of a sudden, he felt overwhelmingly nauseated. He practically threw himself off of Draco and onto the floor, stumbling blindly towards the toilets so he could be sick.

Moments later Draco appeared in the doorway to the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of light grey briefs. His pale skin, and even paler scars seemed incandescent in the dark, and for just a second Harry had the breath taken out of him, forgetting his distress and absorbing Draco’s beauty. But then, he saw the tears in Draco’s eyes and it all rushed back. Harry was sick again.

“Harry, stop… you can’t blame yourself for this. I… I was so terrible to you. You were just…”

Harry stood quickly, messily, tripping over himself slightly. “Draco, you have to know I didn’t know the spell… I had just read it in the book. I didn’t know… I didn’t think.. I would have never I-”

“Harry… it’s okay… I started the fight.. I… you were defending yourself and I did much, much worse things… I… Harry, I did such bad things when he was living in the manor..”

“Draco, he was manipulating you.. you were fighting for your life. That was your family. It’s not your fault. You… you can’t blame yourself for that.”

“Harry, you can’t blame yourself for this, then!” Draco gestured to his chest almost violently. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, feeling haunted by images of his past and heart thumping with desperation to convey his feelings to Harry.

“Draco… I can’t forgive myself for hurting you. I could’ve killed you. I could’ve killed the most important person in my life because I didn’t even give you a chance.”

“I didn’t let you give me a chance… it’s not your fault Harry… and guess what? I didn’t die. Snape was there. It happened for a reason, you have to believe it.”

“If it happened for a reason, don’t you think it’s also a sign.”

“What-”

“A sign that… that I’m only going to hurt you…”

“Or a sign that no matter what happens, we are tied together and we will survive…”

“But-”

“Harry, I’ve forgiven you… please forgive yourself.”

There was a sense of finality in Draco’s tone that gave Harry pause. Harry didn’t know what to say. He stood facing Draco; two complete opposites staring at each other, stripped of every facade, and finally his resolve collapsed. As soon as he started to step forward, towards Draco, his was met halfway in a tight, binding embrace. His head fell to Draco’s collarbone and his counterpart held him as close as possible.

They brushed their teeth together in silence, not really being able to keep their eyes off each other. For the rest of the night, they hardly spoke, communicating in soft touches and lingering glances. Harry fell asleep feeling warm for the first time in weeks.