Unfortunately, I am once again asking for assistance.
Due to several factors I don't really want to talk about, I've suffered a series of mental health episodes over the past few weeks that have left me, quite frankly, in the worst state since... basically before I started working on trauma recovery. I've come pretty close to being hospitalized a few times, but aside from the additional trauma that might incur, I also just simply couldn't afford it.
My ability to work an outside job was already limited by my C/PTSD among other things, but for right now, I can't even think about picking up a shift without having a panic attack. I can still force myself to do things if necessary, but... honestly I really need to be able to not do that, at least for a little while until I can get back on track.
Unfortunately, I can't afford to take a break with no income. A few surprise expenses came up recently which very nearly brought everything crashing down. It's only thanks to the support of my followers and fans that we were able to scrape by, but right now there's no buffer whatsoever. My partner's already working as much as he can, and almost his entire paycheck is going to rent payments and other bills. I can't ask him to work even more to cover my expenses as well.
Last month, I had to skip getting a prescription filled. I can't do that again. My cats are more than six months past due for their shots just because we can't afford it, and I'm stressed every day that I might lose them because of this. They are my literal lifeline.
To cover my own expenses, I need a bare minimum of $600 USD a month, broken down as follows:
Medication: $100
Medical Debt Bills: $300 (total $6000)
Credit Card Bills: $100 (total $3500)
Utility Bills: $100
This is just literally what I can't afford to stop paying no matter what, it doesn't cover groceries or gas, and I also need an additional one-time $500 to take my cats to the vet.
Any percentage of this that I can make through ko-fi tips, donations, requests, and patreon pledges is more time I don't have to spend forcing myself through panic attacks and hallucinations to work an outside job.
I'm hoping to get to a more stable place both mentally and financially eventually, but for now... I'm stuck. I'm stuck and it scares me. I want to heal, but right now it's like all the work I've already done and the progress I've made is evaporating. I'm struggling to keep up with even the most basic daily tasks, let alone my creativity and emotional well-being.
If you can help support me, I'm really, really grateful. The best way to do so would be through joining my Patreon, but really anything helps. I have some requests open on my ko-fi if you'd like to get something out of it, and here is a link to donate directly to my Paypal if you'd prefer that. I'm not really in a stable-enough place to make a full commitment right now, but if you leave a note with your donation that includes your url and a character name (or just a character on ko-fi), then I'll do a little doodle for you as thanks once I... am not struggling so much with the urge to delete myself from existing.
Thank you.
hi tumblr peepee can i give u a scrap from my twitter
This is a repost and minor edit of a thread I made on Twitter yesterday. This is a topic I have always wanted to talk about because of how often it comes up in TGCF fandom, time and time again.
‼️CW: mentions of sexual assault, self-harm, bodily injury‼️
⚠️Major spoilers for the entire novel ahead⚠️
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Saw a question the other day on what relevance Hualian being sexually intimate by the end of the novel had to either the narrative or Xie Lian's character arc.
In short: it bears significant relevance, especially in context of other themes the novel explores like bodily autonomy.
Throughout the novel, we see time and time again that Xie Lian is often dehumanized by pretty much everyone—including himself—with the sole exception of Hua Cheng. I've talked more in depth about it in an old twt thread, for those interested. @/stalliondany on twt has also made an excellent recent analysis that goes deeper into the specific ways Xie Lian was used as a physical shield, martyr, or scapegoat for others without thought to his humanity or suffering. I highly recommend reading it first!
But to sum it all up: it's important to Xie Lian's character arc to keep in mind that he is used to seeing his own body as a tool to solve problems. And in crucial narrative moments, he is robbed of his bodily autonomy, and either brutalized or violated in service of others.
One of the plot points that ties together all these concepts is actually... Xie Lian's chastity vows. That will be the main focus of this post.
When he was a young teen (or possibly as a child), Xie Lian took an oath of chastity because such was the norm for cultivators seeking ascension in Xian Le. To Xie Lian, even as he grew older, he never had an issue with this because he just never felt sexual attraction to another person, or any desire to be intimate in that way. Even if he yearned for the concept of being loved. And indeed, at first glance, his chastity vows may seem like nothing more than a side note. Or even a funny gag when it comes to Hua Cheng (later).
In reality Xie Lian's chastity vows are not only used against him, but paint a very disturbing picture with regards to his repeated violation.
The Land of the Tender scene is the most obvious example of this. Xie Lian's vows are directly tied to his spiritual powers, and because it affects how his followers see him. They place a high value on his chastity as being vital to his moral character.
For reference, an excerpt from TGCF vol. 3 of the English print translation, page 135:
Xie Lian's method of cultivation required a pure body. Those who worshipped the ascended cultivators who practiced this path were firmly convinced of the transcendence of gods untouched by earthly desires. If they couldn't protect their purity, their following would no doubt collapse and their powers would be devastated. It wouldn't be as serious as plunging from godhood to back to mortality, and there was still the possibility of recovery after many more years of cultivation—but with things as they were now, there was no time for him to sit behind closed doors and cultivate for years!
As a reminder: it is Bai Wuxiang who orchestrated this whole thing. Him trying to compromise Xie Lian in this way is horrific on many levels, yet that's not the main point I want to make here. It's that to preserve his "pure body," the solution Xie Lian realizes is to severely harm himself. To impale himself with his sword through the abdomen.
The juxtaposition of having to maintain bodily purity versus the gruesome violence inflicted on his body is extremely stark.
This grim contrast is no more evident than in the 100 swords scene. Where Xie Lian's body is literally brutalized and defiled to an unthinkable degree. To the point where he, quote: "no longer looked human." Yet he emerges from that temple physically "pure" all the same. His chastity vows were not broken, his body healed without scars. As though he was untouched.... And yet, he was completely destroyed mentally. It left permanent effects on him as a person. It's even worse when the scene is read analogous to sexual assault, as many have talked about before. I think that interpretation actually hits the nail on the head, especially keeping in mind the Land of the Tender scene and all the similarities between them.
Following the 100 swords scene, Xie Lian of course has a complete disconnect between himself and his body. I believe this is part of why he doesn't really feel pain, except when he is with Hua Cheng, who treats him and his body as one. As a person who is cherished, and loved. Hua Cheng is adamant in his adoring treatment of Xie Lian. Small injuries are also something he cannot tolerate because he knows what horrors befell Xie Lian in the past. (He was present at both the terrible moments mentioned above.) He will not let any of that continue, regardless of what Xie Lian says, because he sees it as injustice.
Xie Lian is willing to use himself as a tool to help others no matter the personal cost. He even thinks of it as something he must do, or that he deserves as penance. But Hua Cheng is the one person who asks "what about you?" He's the one that insists "your happiness matters." And it is Hua Cheng that takes issue with Xie Lian's chastity vows as being unfair, unlike everyone else. Regardless of Hua Cheng's reasons for this diegetically, symbolically it means a lot that he is the one opposed to this.
Just thinking about the chastity vows on their own for a moment: Xie Lian can indulge a little bit in stuff like alcohol, which isn't great to begin with for him. But he absolutely cannot engage in "pleasures of the flesh." He can totally have his flesh ripped from his bones, literally, but actually experiencing any kind of sexual gratification? Now that would make him unclean, and lesser.... Why? Because unlike everything else, that's something Xie Lian would do simply for himself to feel good. And what greater crime is there than to ever dare put himself first?
So Hua Cheng—being the one person who puts Xie Lian first above all else—thinking that such a restriction doesn't make sense is important. Hua Cheng being the person who Xie Lian breaks those vows for in the end is important! (Especially because it seems to have been an easy choice for him.)
And of course, the scene with Jun Wu and the Virginity Detector Sword™ has to be mentioned. Again, there's symbolism to be had! The perpetrator of two of the most physically violating moments of Xie Lian's life (both of which were sexual in nature; one literally and one allegorically) being the one to "check" Xie Lian's virginity... oof. Yikes. It's dramatic irony. It's deeply uncomfortable. Especially because Jun Wu probably wanted to know if Xie Lian slept with Hua Cheng, as he already knew Xie Lian wasn't the ghost fetus' father.
So it's once again a stark juxtaposition: of Ghost King Hua Cheng disagreeing with the purity vows, wanting Xie Lian to break them for himself and his own freedom. Versus Heavenly Emperor Jun Wu wanting to weaponize those vows against Xie Lian in whatever way he can, intact or not, to keep control over him.
Naturally, there's something to be said for the real-world problem with such purity vows being used against people, to judge their moral character, societal expectations, etc. Elephant in the room. It's very on the nose, so there isn't even much to say about it that hasn't been said already.
In the end, it comes down to how horrible it is that when Xie Lian tries to help others, it results in immense harm to his body every time. Yet he is expected to continue to bear it, for centuries, by others and also himself. Until he meets Hua Cheng, who helps him rediscover what it means to be happy, and to be loved. So yes, it's absolutely relevant that in the end, Xie Lian decides to break his purity vows to be intimate with Hua Cheng. That he's able to put himself in Hua Cheng's hands, and let himself be treated with affection and desire. It's Xie Lian finally forgiving himself, and beginning to heal.
Lan Wangji, the magnus archives au
my sweet sweet lonely boy lwj is in fact gay and commits eldritch crimes
tma has a chokehold on my soul
•Lan Wangji in this au is just the precious rich sheltered kid that gets whisked away by the bad boy and learns about the world through him. So basically nothing changed from the usual them.
•Look If one or two people were able to mysteriously leave the domain while on his watch, well that's none of your business.
•He was so surprised wwx was able to see him through the fog of the domain, like bitch you're not supposed to do that. He kept trying to hide from him, but wwx KEPT FUCKING FINDING HIM.
•Honestly wwx just annoyed him enough until he just HAD to fall in love with him. Again, nothing changed.
•He's just so happy and content just following his boyfriend wherever he wants to go and you bet he be looking enamored while watching wwx go batshit crazy blowing up rituals.
•He sucks at human interaction because he grew up away from society, wwx just reached the point of speaking in his behalf without him needing to say a word. Once again, NOTHING CHANGED.
happy halloween shixiong, trick or treat :DD
WWX made tanghulu (which may or may not be dusted with chili powder) and is sharing with the class! Is this a trick or a treat? Depends on if you like spicy things 😂
This is Eman a Biotechnologist from Gaza. Asking for help is not easy. It's not easy at all. You have no idea how mentally and emotionally tiring this is. But when thinking that the price is my family's life, getting out of here safely and achieve my doctoral degree dream, it just pushes me more and more to do this until we reach our goal. I'm here as I try to reach out to more people asking for their help to support our family's campaign so we can survive while all you have to do is literally donating even by just the price of your morning coffee or maybe a simple breakfast, So I think I'm not asking for so much. We're really tired of living under these catastrophic conditions for a whole 10 months. We live a life you cannot bear watch it behind screens. Your generosity will not only change our lives but also remind us that even in our darkest hour, we are not alone.
❤️
Do You Think God Stays in Heaven Because He too Lives in Fear of What He's Created
We all know this site is US-user heavy, but I wanna know how many are vs aren't from the land of capitalism.
THE PHALLOPLASTY SCAR IM SCREAMING ITS PERFECT
I know it's July I don't care don't look at me!!