Latest Posts by queen-ochako - Page 5

Not me literally writing a fanfic about this.

togachako handling knives!

can i change the world?

The fact I’m a child concerns me. I'm fifteen as of now. I'm impulsive and make stupid decisions with those impulses. My voice sometimes increases to the point where my throat hurts with how high-pitched I'm talking and other times it's so monotone my head starts to hurt. I'm still figuring out life while others are far beyond me with knowledge. I think I know better and the world somewhat revolves around me and, as I'm writing this, it proves I still think that. The point I'm trying to make is I can't change the world. 

I could be like Gretta Thunberg who's changing the world one speech at a time. But the problem is I'm not. Unlike her, I still feel like a child. A kid whos worried about what I'm going to wear tomorrow and spends an ungodly amount of time on her phone. I'm a Gen Z kid who relates too much with others yet not at all. A baby who hopes to be better. Better at being a kid or adult or better at just everything.

I can't make life-changing art even if I wanted to, having the power to move someone through paint or word seems too daunting. When I grow older I wish to have a stable job and even more stable relationships. And I get that will be weird to some that I don't want to be rich and famous, like many others, but the pressure of that lifestyle is not something I want to bear. I dont want to stand out, and if I can't stand out, how will I change the world? The simple fact is I won't. Won't even dent it. Not a scratch. I'm okay with this as a child you have to be. 

Knowing whatever you do now whether great or small will always be clouded with the knowledge you're a kid from others. Because I'm ‘good at that for a kid’ and ‘you'll be better when you're an adult. 

I won't make art that will change generations’ mindset and I can't fight wars or be a part of something big because I'm a child…

I feel like I'm making excuses. 

Could I change the world? 

Or fight wars?

Or sow that dress I want to?

Am I making excuses?

I won't ever know because ill lay in bed on my phone watching adults do just that.

Bully:

seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable). What really Is the definition of a bully? 

I've been taught different things throughout the years about 'bullying'. 

I've been told to stay away from them. I've been told it's only bullying if it happens more than one or twice. I've been told that they only hurt others because they are hurting. 

I understand the sentiment, but I feel like it's wrong.

The term 'bully' is used so often that I don't care anymore about who is a so-called bully and who is the victim.

I had a form to fill out about bullying today, provided by the school. 

They asked about my experience with bullying and how safe I felt in school and so on. 

Somewhere deep inside I know the school staff can't do much to help the kids that need it because of multiple reasons. Either way somewhere inside me I wish they would do something. 

Even if I dont know, because as far as I'm concerned I've never been bullied. Or have I? Do people look at me in pity? Or talk behind my back? And I purposely ignored but I've become so used to it that it's second nature to accept it.

Nothing:

Do you sometimes want to stop fidgeting, moving, tastings, seeing, hearing, breathing... You just want everything to stop.

But you've never wanted to die. 

As they say 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... But what if it's not temporary? what if it never ends? What if this craving for this sinful feeling never stops?

You know it's just your anxiety talking. It always talks. It hurts and talks. It takes and talks. It is just there and talks... But sometimes that's enough to push you off the edge. To make you want to feel Nothing. 

After years of torment and abuse from no one but yourself, you learn to live with it. Embrace the feelings of guilt that you've caused from thinking you could've made it through life unharmed. 

You would reminisce about the childhood you wish wasn't stolen through fake judgement and antagonising words. You would remember the days when you would lie underneath the stars and bask in their embrace. You would miss the dreams that you painstakingly woke up from to go to school where you were scared of being judged for nothing. 

Maybe some of the most difficult things were the 'it's all in your head' and the 'try not to think about it that roamed my head in search of any excuse, trying to sneak past the protective barriers I made to devour it.

The point is it will never change. The feeling of nothingness never changes it. You can change your sleeping, exercise and eating habits all you like, the heartache of craving something you can't reach will never stop.

I feel as if I don't know myself.

I feel as if I don't know myself. 

        Not really, like I look in the mirror and see myself. Blond hair, mismatched coloured eyes, head to toe in yellow. But I also see a 15-year-old whose life is still being decided for them. Even with all the freedom, they could dream of. A world full of beautiful people and my soul decided this body, this life. I already came to terms with this though. 

I’d like to believe I chose this as some sort of afterlife where I was good in my past life. Or maybe I was bad. I feel like I would be a worm or something if I were bad but, being a worm would be significantly better than going to school every day. Only 8 months left though. Doesn't seem that long before college, which I know will be heaven. Less annoying people. I can focus more, have a usable library, have less social pressure, wearing my own clothes! The whole gist of it is so much better. Being a worm would be so simple, dig, eat? Get eaten by the early bird? Drink water? 

Okay, being a worm might not be that easy. I'm overthinking it a bit. A cat maybe? I like cats they are soft… well most of them. But they get fleas and into cat fights and the thought of licking myself so much, as well as annoying kids that would still bother me. I could be one of those indoor cats that are pampered their whole life, but the inbreeding and annoying fur and smothering old people. If I was a cat I would probably be a cat of a young college girl. 

College will be heaven. Well, at least my description of it. Worrying about the future but having most of it sorted, deciding in high school is the hard bit. And I bet the work would be fun. High school work sucks, it's all in books and all my notes are messy and confusing and I don't ever use them. ever. There is no point in writing them in the first place. I can have food at more practical times, better food in college for sure as well as free days when no work is required. The homework just seems nicer. 

Back to the main point, I don't know myself. Maybe I will in college. I already go on Fridays and am known for my overall confident fashion choices. Constantly showered in compliments. I think there would be more people like me. (Whoever ‘me’ is.) Someone with no set fashion sense, pescatarian, lesbian. Yea probably more lesbians. 

In the UK college isn't this big thing, I'm not moving away from my family or anything or getting a whole new friendship group, everyone is the same. I just like it more. More diverse people in my opinion, somehow, considering they are basically the same people. I guess in vogueing in them finding themselves like how I’m finding myself. Guessing people can change over an extended summer or just the annoying ones not doing my course. Yea I feel like it would be better if they just stayed away from me. 

Currently, all I know about myself while writing this is 1. I don't want to be a worm. 

2. I want to be a college cat in my next life 

3. COLLGE WILL BE BETTER THSN HIGHSCHOOL. 

4. I don't like annoying school kids. 

5. I’m someone with no set fashion sense, pescatarian, lesbian. 

Yet, not closer to finding out who I am. I guess it takes more figuring out than a short essay on random topics to figure that out. Shame. Guess ill have to wait for college.

Oh, how a gay demi-girl can dream of such a wonder. -credits to whoever this is on Pinterest-