[Wednesday About To Do Something She Shouldn’t Do]

★ "which means the part of the WS is still in me"

I hate the sound of babies crying, but I can't hate a baby. They've been here for like five minutes and approach this situation with an unhesitant attitude of "my needs are unmet and I am going to make it everybody's problem", and I respect that.

no trio has ever trio'd as hard as THEY trio

women’s bodies weren’t “made” to do anything, nature didn’t “intend” anything, no human action is “unnatural” and there is no inherent “purpose” to a human life

There's just so many interesting ways to explore Bucky relearning how to be a person again because it would/should have been a process.

Losing parts of yourself is such an easy thing to do.

Someone says you're stupid enough times, and then you start to wonder if you are.

Someone comments on the size of your nose enough, and then you start to think it's big.

Someone treats you like you're worthless, and then you start to think you are.

They wouldn't have treated him like a human. They wouldn't even need to break him, just treat him like a thing, and eventually, he'll start to wonder if he is.

They don't talk or listen to him because things can't talk. They ignore his questions and begging. They ignore his cries and screams.

Is he even making them? Can they hear him.

They don't worry if he bleeds. Things don't bleed.

Is he even bleeding anymore? Is it just in his head?

They don't call him by his name. Things don't have names.

What was his name again?

They don't feed him real food. Things don't get hungry.

He doesn't feel hungry anymore.

They don't have a set schedule for him. Things don't care about the passage of time.

What day is it? How long as he been here?

They don't care if he hurts. Things can't hurt.

Maybe he doesn't hurt? Maybe this is normal and he's just confused. He's always confused now.

They say maintenance and maintain and fix.

You don't do those things to people. So he's not a person, right? He can't be if that's what they're doing to him.

People have names.

Right? Did it ever have one? Even if it did, who would have used it?

No, it never had a human name. It was created, crafted.

No one worries if their gun is hungry, or if their knife is trying to communicate with them, or if their tool is tired.

Those things are not for it.

And then you've got this guy, out of nowhere, who knows you.

Who says a name and is looking at you while he says it.

He's talking to you like you can speak back, like he wants you to speak back.

And it's confusing, so confusing, because why does the man think it is a person?

It gets more confused after a few days on its own because why is it suddenly needing human maintenance?

Its stomach aches, and it knows the ache is hunger. Why does it know that?

The man finds it.

It is a relief in a way. It requires attention and repairs.

It tells the man that it is malfunctioning.

The man says that he is hurt

...but things don't hurt. It needs repair.

Healing the man says.

Things don't heal though.

It starts to shut off more.

Sleeping the man says. You need to sleep.

The bed is for people. It sleeps in the ice. If it must rest, then it rests on the floor.

The man is quiet angry and he takes a long walk.

The man is not Hydra. He gets angry when it asks about previous handlers.

It requires a handler, though, an owner. Things are not free.

So, the man must be its handler, even if he is not Hydra.

Things must be maintained, and to be maintained, they must belong to someone.

The man calls him Bucky, always says Bucky when it calls itself it.

Fine. It will answer to the name Bucky if the man requests so.

Things don't have names, and things don't want them, but Bucky is a nice name if it must have one.

The man makes it do human things.

It must eat and drink. They start small because if it eats certain things, then it malfunctions, and the man gets upset.

It must sleep, or try to, each night. There is no ice, just blankets. It is given several of them since it maintains that it must sleep on the floor. It doesn't know what to do with them. The man eventually lays them out in a way that he deems comfortable.

The blankets are... nice. Warm.

It did not know it was cold.

The man speaks to it and listens. It doesn't know what to say, it has never been given attention like this.

The man introduces other people, and it makes sure to remember them because these people seem important to the man.

Sam.

Natasha.

Tony.

And it must remember the man is called Steve.

Tony is odd.

Tony does not like it. That is fine. Things don't care if they are liked or not.

Steve and Tony argue about it on the other side of the room, but it acts like it does not hear them.

Tony wants to see all its information.

It had not knows Steve had all of its protocols and maintenance information.

Steve agrees and Tony leaves.

Tony comes back after a few days. The anger is still on him, but it's different. He looks at its arm and says it needs maintenance.

Finally.

Tony will be able to help Steve understand that it does not require human maintenance.

Tony does not tell Steve this.

He looks at it for awhile when it asks if he will help Steve understand that it is not a person.

Things don't ask questions. It should not have spoken. It is malfunctioning.

Tony goes back to the arm without answering, and that's fine. People don't talk to things. They talk at them.

Steve's human maintenance has caused it to start malfunctioning.

Tony calls it Bucky, too.

They're both terrible at this.

It keeps malfunctioning.

It keeps asking questions. Why? It can't stop itself.

It likes the blankets.

It doesn't know if it has liked things before. The blankets are soft and warm, and it likes to touch them.

It does not like cold now that it knows that it is always cold.

Steve brings it blankets often after he realizes how much it likes them.

These people touch it a lot.

Tony touches it while he does maintenance. This maintenance does not hurt, and the arm doesn't hurt malfunction as often.

Tony plays music and talks a lot. He has little robots that are strange and clearly malfunctioning, but he does not take corrective steps. Instead, he allows the malfunctions, maybe even seems to enjoy them.

Maybe it likes this... maintenance... like it likes the blanket.

The woman Natasha, that's not her name... is it? touches it. She does maintenance braids she calls them on its hair. She is confident when she touches it, but she also makes her movements clear.

Why does she do that for it? Things don't need to know what someone will do to it. It is... nice. It thinks it likes this too.

Sam touches it. He talks to it a lot, too. He is purposeful but makes sure to touch it each time he comes to visit.

He wants it to speak back. He encourages it to speak more than he wants to speak himself. He is patient, even when it is not able to make the words come out right.

It likes this... having someone listen.

They bring more people.

A man, Clint, with sharp eyes who jokes with it, tries to make it laugh.

Clint is a marksman and very skilled. He takes it with him when he goes to train. He insists they have competitions and there are no punishments when it does not perform to or exceed expectations.

Sometimes, he brings small pieces of candy for them to share, and he winks like it's a secret just between them.

Things don't smile... but it feels like something inside of it is smiling.

There's another man, Bruce, quiet and careful. Something about him gives an air of power, but he is gentle. A scientist, more than Tony, and he makes it... nervous? No, not nervous. Things don't get nervous.

The man looks over it like it is human, asking it if anything hurts like it is a person.

It tells him where it is damaged, even though it is fully operational.

If it is fully operational, then the damage does not require maintenance. It did not need to tell him. Things don't hurt.... why did it tell him where it hurt?

Thor is loud and big. He smells like rain, and it likes that. It did not know it liked the smell of rain.

Thor is not scared of it. He does not worry about a malfunction, and he seems to have no expectations on it or what it might have been.

He does not lower his voice around it, and he even does a sort of roughhousing with it at times, although Steve hovers nervously whenever that happens. He claps it on the back and calls it friend like Steve does, and is it suppose to know this man too? It doesn't remember this man.

Things don't have memories, but... sometimes, it thinks it might.

It asks Steve about them sometimes, slow and quiet, because while Steve has not hurt it for remembering or asking questions, it knows remembering was bad.

Remembering means pain. Why does it know that?

Steve tells it about them. He says it had a family, sisters, and friends. He talks about them, and about the war and the howling commandos, and... oh, it is crying.

Things do not cry. It is malfunctioning.

They all call it Bucky.

They give it maintenance like it is a person.

They like when it likes things and even look happy when it decides that it does not like things.

They do not treat it as a thing... so maybe it isn't? Maybe... he's a person.

It refers to itself as he a few days later.

Tentative, and after a pause where it was hard to get the word out, he looks up carefully through his lashes because what if he's wrong? What if this was a test and what if they wanted to get him to think this way just to take it away an-

They are happy.

Steve is very happy and he likes it when Steve is happy.

He likes it when they are all happy.

There are bad days when he does not think he is a person and thinks they're playing a terrible game with him.

They're being cruel. They have to be because he's not a person.

If he's a person, then that means he's been a person this whole time and that Hydra took that away from him.

That means...

He's not there yet. He doesn't like to talk about things like that yet. It makes his head hurt, and he doesn't like that, and it's too much. He gets upset... because he is a person and people get upset.

That is still a strange thought to him, that he's human.

He tells Steve about things he remembers. He has questions, and he's getting better at asking them without tripping over his words or stopping halfway through.

He has a bed with lots of blankets.

He has food and books and music that he likes.

He has a big marker he can write his name on things with. He's still scared all of it is going to be taken away from him, but if his name is Bucky and if he's a person, then his name on things means that those things are his.

Right? He had to ask to make sure, but they all said that was right. He likes putting his name on things.

He likes having things.

He likes to take the drawings Steve makes and always gives to him. He likes that Sam brings him little things whenever he goes somewhere. Sometimes, it's pins, or buttons or pretty pieces of paper.

He likes small screws from Tony's lab, pens Bruce leaves laying around, hair ties from Natasha, pop tart wraps that Thor drops, and the heads of arrows that Clint loses.

He likes that he's remembering more and more. He likes remembering that he's always liked things. Like dancing, and records, and laughing, and Steve.

I'd love a fic where the Avengers are tentatively trying to accept Bucky, and he comes off as this kind of emotionless, half person that they can't really get to know or related to.

He's terrified of Hydra getting him again, though. To the point where he'd rather die than risk them getting their hands on him.

And it humanizes him enough for the others to get attached.

Something with Steve and Bucky staying in the tower while Bucky recovers, and Tony who's only letting this slide because it's Steve and even though he's very upset angryfuriousdevestated he knows deep down that Bucky is a victim in all this too.

And the others are doing well with it. Cautious but open.

They all know what happened to Bucky, part of the agreement with him staying in the tower with Steve was that all the info was available for them to see, so they knew what exactly they were getting into.

Bucky keeps to Steve's floor and doesn't interact with them too much. Sometimes with Sam, occasionally with Natasha and Clint.

He's still intimidating as hell. Even when all he does is follow Steve around and avoid meeting their eyes too often. They can tell when he enters a room, all the hair on their bodies standing on end, even though half the time they don't even hear him.

He's not allowed any weapons, and he has to be monitored by Jarvis constantly.

Sometimes he has nightmares and they can hear it even on different floors. Sometimes, someone hits one of his triggers accidentally, god there's so many and it's a toss-up between them getting attacked or him going silent and submissive in a way that makes them sick. And adds an extra layer of disgust and fury to everything that happened to him, because nothing good happens when people like the ones in Hydra get their hands on people like him.

There's still a disconnect between what they read about him and the him they see around the tower. He's controled, with the occasional episode or outburst, but overall he keeps a tight hold on his body language and doesn't speak much.

They don't doubt it happened, there are videos and recordings with the files and they still see some of them when they close their eyes.

But... it's like he's got it all shoved in a small box somewhere. He's still like a machine in a lot of ways.

That's just what he shows them, of course. They've seen some of his breakdowns when he's out in the tower with Steve, and it's different. Steve gets to see all the bad, all the fallout and aftermath, and they don't envy him.

But then Hydra comes looking for him.

And he loses it. Not in a violent, winter soldier way, but in a terrified don't let them take me god please please don't let them take me away.

Hydra has him locking up. Terrified, desperate, trying to hide himself in whoever is close enough to him, and ready to slit his own throat if it means Hydra won't get him.

And none of the Avengers are going to let that happen. Steve would kill them all, but also, they're not going to let that happen.

They're not.

And he just kind of curls into whoever is with him. Wild-eyed, shaking, completely lost in his head, and begging for them to not let Hydra get him please please please

And if he gets too upset scared or Hydra gets close enough that it actually starts to become a realy worry that they might manage to grab him, he starts begging for something so he can end it himself. They're going to get him, just kill him please please please. He can't do it again. He can't.

It takes him a long time to calm down after those. He clings to the person he was with, still not quite out of his head yet enough to realize the threat is gone and only knowing that whoever he was with kept him away from Hydra so they must be safe. He knows Steve trusts them, so Bucky trusts them.

It's unsettling to realize he also probably trusts them to end it if they need to. And with that is the horrible realization that it would be a kindness to do so, if the other option is Hydra.

They don't discuss it. No one says what they're all thinking. That they might do it. Should do it if that's the only option left.

Bucky knows what's waiting for him if Hydra gets him back. The Avengers know it, too.

It would be a mercy. For him and Steve.

They're not sure what Steve would do or what his thoughts are on it, and absolutely no one is volunteering to start that conversation with him.

It's a little terrifying to have Bucky stuck to them like that, shaking and lost in his own head. He's a monster of his own, strong and skilled, experienced, and violent. They're letting someone that could easily kill them, curl up and seek safety in them.

The truth of it is, it's ugly. All the trauma and horror and fear that they hadn't seen on him before comes out. Desperation for safety, and if not that then death, is always a heavy thing to see.

They're suppose to help people, stop the bad guys, and all that other hero stuff. They can't seem to figure out how to stop Hydra though.

They can't tell Bucky he's safe because he's not. They can't promise Hydra won't get him because they might.

They can promise Hydra won't have him for long, between the hell Steve would bring down on the whole world and the others right on his tail, but they wouldn't need a lot of time.

So, they lie sometimes. When the threat is gone and Steve's not there yet, Bucky still lost and mumbling please over and over, and they don't even know what's he's asking for anymore but they want to give it to him.

So they say Hydra won't get him. They promise that Hydra will never get him again. They promise he's safe.

They keep him close, let him cling and curl into them because he's a raw, gaping wound and they can't bring themselves to let go and expose him to the world yet.

They ignore the wet lashes against where he's curled his face into their throats or chests, petting through his hair, and keeping up reassurances and promises that they don't necessarily have the power to keep... but they all need it.

If anyone deserves to feel safe, it's this man.

And they know Steve is gone to them if Bucky goes again. The two of them are going together this time, even if it means the end.

●●●●●●●

And one time Hydra almost gets him. Steve separated from them and Hydra always knows that their best chance is seperating Steve and Bucky first and Hydra working on separating the rest of them.

It was working.

Bucky went from blind, frozen terror to a horrible, desperate hope and scrambled, managed to get his hands on one of the guns.

It was against his temple before any of them could even move towards him and the empty click it made when he pulled the trigger was louder than anything everything else happening in that moment.

They honestly thought he had managed to do it before they heard the click. A numb voice in their heads asking how the fuck they were going to tell Steve. How they were going to get over this themselves because holy shit.

They thought they were prepared for something like this. There was always a chance that something would trigger Bucky and they'd end up having to kill him, even if Steve would hate them for it and he would, but they hadn't realized how attached they'd gotten. How protective they felt over him.

There was no hesitation when he pulled the trigger and he asked them sometimes, when Hydra was too close for comfort, to just kill him rather than let Hydra get him but they always thought deep down it was just something he said because he was scared, that he didn't really mean it. But there was intent behind it. He had made it clear that if they wouldn't do it, then he would.

They don't need to tell Steve later, thank god because they don't have the words yet. He saw the gun with Bucky and if there had been a bullet in it, he knows Bucky wouldn't have wasted it by aiming at one Hydra agent out of the many there.

✨️✨️

There are so many things that could have addressed/shown with Bucky's recovering and I just wish we'd seen more of it.

If you have any fics recs, let me know~!

I'm slowly working my way through ao3 but some of the best fics I've found so far I've found through other people and the fics have like one tag on them besides the pairing, so I would never have found them on my own.

“One day it just clicks… You realise what is important and what isn’t, you learn to care less about what other people think of you and care more about what you think of yourself. You realise how far you have come and you remember thinking that things were such a mess they’d never recover and then you smile. You smile because you’re truly proud of the person you have fought to become.”

— Unknown

"English isn't my-"

Hush now my friend, and let me read the absolute beauty of a fic that you have bestowed this world and humiliated the first English speakers with