Another Old Comic I Found In My Files, From 2021 I Believe 💖

Easy contender for “world’s most divorced man” award.

👴👴👴

Humans have an odd perception of what is “Friend Shaped” to the rest of the known universe.

If you step back and remember that humans will viciously pack bond with anything from tiny robot vacuums to giant apex predators, and that they come from a death planet, it can make some sense why a beast like the Riivoma could be seen as “cute”. Riivoma have short fur in a beautiful array of colors, ranging from shimmering whites and pastels to rich and earthy greens, and their anatomy isn’t all too different from that of shepherd dogs from Earth, but the difference comes in the size and sheer danger these brutes present. Riivoma generally stand at around 2.0 to 2.3 meters at the shoulder, with protruding canines that are designed to dig into a creature’s skull and not come out… and they’re the apex predator of Eurydice (Original planet name cannot be translated to English due to missing characters in alphabet.)

— — — — — —

Naturally, as a born and raised resident of Eurydice, Malou knew to avoid these slumbering beasts, but when her human traveling companion saw one and instantly started fawning over it, she knew that it would cause trouble.

“Look at it’s widdle ears and toofers!” Human Xavier whispered in awe, instantly shrinking a little closer to the ground as though he were a predator stalking his prey.

“Xavi, do you have any idea what that thing is,” Malou hurriedly whispered, having seen this same thing happen with many of her previous human companions. “You cannot approach that thing. It’ll kill you, and then use your scent to find and kill those you love.” Malou had to admit, Riivoma are rather relaxed after a meal, being content to leave things be, but Xavier didn’t need to know that.

“But… Mally… look at the guy.” Xavier whimpered, green eyes already shifting into something that humans call “puppy dog mode” or something along those lines. “It’s just schnoozin away, harmless as a kitty cat back home… if not friend, why friend shaped?”

Malou could admit to seeing the resting Riivoma as beautiful and awe inspiring, with flecks of gold spattered across a brown and white body, but she couldn’t see anything friend shaped about the beast’s muscular limbs and claws designed to make climbing up sheer cliffs Childs play. “There’s nothing friend shaped about that beast!”

Xavier stops for a moment, still low to the ground and watching the sleeping Riivoma with the same focus as an old man watches golf before he speaks again. “… try and stop me.” With those words hanging in the air, Xavier begins forward at a quick pace, moving in a wavy pattern so Malou would have a harder time grabbing him if she tried to give chase… but she didn’t.

Malou stays planted to the ground, frozen in shock, tinged with fear as she watches her newest friend march to his death unflinchingly. The Riivoma shifts slightly in its slumber as Xavier draws ever nearer, hands extended towards the beast’s chin and neck. Malou closes her eyes and turns away, not wanting to see what fate will befall her compatriot, but knowing that she’ll hear the resonant crunch of bones being ground to powder within the beast’s maw.

Xavier, now right up close to the resting Riivoma, can see all of the taught muscles hidden from a distance by the bright colors and soft appearances, as well as the 18 inch fangs protruding from the sides of the snoozing monster’s maw. This doesn’t deter him at all as he gently runs a hand along the underside of the beast’s head, gently scratching up and down with his gloved hands. Very quickly, a sound like a running motorcycle breaks the relative quiet of nature, and Malou flinches from behind her cover of foliage.

Though the sound of crunching bones and satisfied snarls over a meal well had don’t follow like the Eurydice native expected, instead she hears quiet chatter from the human. She whips back around, eyes flying open to see the single most dangerous creature on her home planet gently kneading the soil and purring happily as her insane human engages in “baby talk” with the monster.

Xavier slowly shifts as he watches the giant animal melt into his hand, with its heavy head leaning down into his palm, and razor sharp claws ripping up the ground like a cat making biscuits. What little fear was within him is now all gone as he sees the Riivoma as a harmless little creature. The man leans his side against the shoulder of the beast and moves his second hand to gently scratch between its shoulders, keeping the other hand focused beneath the chin of the beast. The Riivoma is entirely content to stay in contact with Xavier, moving slightly to allow for pettier scritch giving.

— — — — — —

A good half an hour later, and Xavier begins to move away from the beast, the weight he leaned against its side moving away as the gently scratching and massaging fingers slow to a stop and eventually pull away. The passive purr from the Riivoma quickly stops, though the beast’s breathing does seem to hasten. Xavier takes this as a bad sign, and quickly retreats to the tree line, where Malou has been watching and taking notes for the past 15 minutes.

When Malou speaks, her voice is barely higher than a whisper. “What in the name of Unn is wrong with you? We have to go, right now!” Despite the quietness of her voice, the urgency held within isn’t lost on Xavier

He follows his friend and coworker away from the resting place of the apex predator that have already begun to stir with life.

— — — — — —

Malou’s eyes dart around anxiously as her and Xavier make their way back to the local village where they’re staying between jobs. Every snap of a twig beneath their feet or flap of an odd bird’s wings sets her on edge, like something is going to fall from the sky and end her life.

Xavier has never before been more glad that they aren’t handed weaponry beyond a baton for self defense between jobs… he gets the feeling that if Malou had a gun at the moment, the whole forest would be gone in a flash.

As the duo round a turn to enter the small village, Malou turns around, club drawn and held out before her like it is a firearm, and she speaks in a shaking voice. “Come out, wretched beast. I know my partner upset you, but I don’t care… stop stalking and just attack already!” Despite having worked together for more than a half dozen years, Xavier has never heard his partner so actively scared, and they’ve been in shootouts with space pirates before.

As soon as Malou begins shouting, the Riivoma gracefully trots out from the tree line, eyes fixed firmly on Xavier instead of the one actually threatening it. The hulking beast begins forward, and Xavier for the briefest of moments realizes what he was snuggling with… this beast has earned the title of Apex Predator, as it saunters forward, he can’t help but realize just how big it is.

Malou’s hands continue to shake for the briefest of moments, but Xavier places a hand on her shoulder before stepping forward and giving the beast a closed mouth smile. The man’s voice speaks again in the same soft tone he used while speaking to the same sleeping beast. “Heya there, big buddy. Sorry I left earlier.” In a move that Malou could only assume was suicide, Xavier raises a hand for the Riivoma to smell and continues to slowly step forward.

The hulking beast takes another step forward before quickly bunting it’s forehead against the gloved hand of the human. Xavier chuckles before beginning to scratch all around the beast’s head. “Good boyo…”

“IF NOT FRIEND, THEN WHY FRIEND SHAPED!?” the human cries out after you denied to let them pet your homeworld’s most dangerous predator.

Weather Report: with a high of 79 in [USER VILLAGE], it’s a lovely morning to sit outside of your locked place of employment writing Teratophilia fiction that only you and god will ever lay eyes on.

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