razor-winged-butterfly

Latest Posts by razor-winged-butterfly

Being the “eldest daughter” is nauseating and I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone

my mother has been worried about all the wrong things

i’m not about to fall in love with a monster, not the way you did

you’re scared i’ll be gullible, malleable like you are,

falling for the tricks my father used, the curl of tongue, the tilted lips

but oh,

can’t you see?

i’m the monster here, born from the same flesh you were mauled by,

my tongue curls and my lips tilt,

you’ve been worried about all the wrong things.

One of the worst realizations that I have ever made is realizing that all I ever wanted was to be loved by my parents. I never would've turned out like this if they just loved me unconditionally.

Truly eye opening how selfish the men around me are

Having younger siblings who are set on the mindset that I never want them to succeed is exhausting. Why would I want that? I actually wish you success where I failed. I want to give you all the roadmaps marked with all the potholes I fell in so that you don't. I slept with an eye open and the fan off so that I could hear all the sounds and intervene if a fight broke out. You didn't notice. I didn't want you to. My life has been a patchwork of failures that I have woven together as successes. I have never hidden that. You use those failures as an argument when we fight. (It hurts) I took things you didn't like, unknowingly. I have forgotten what I liked, but I know your choices. I am sorry I am harsh on you sometimes. Please I love you, you are family. I don't think I'll love someone that much.

Like my mother

Like my mother

Like my mother

I need to be beautiful like my mother.

She's the most beautiful woman to have ever lived. But no one knows that except me because no one else has the same wounds as her like I do which can carry the entire truth of her existence. No one else has cried when she cried, bled when she bled, died when she died.

No one else has inherited her rage.

No one else has inherited her grief.

No one else has inherited her bloodlust.

Except me

So I need to be beautiful like her too.

I'll paint my lips to hide the crimson stains of spitting my own blood.

I'll darken my eyes to hide the bruises from nights spent with mania instead of rest.

I'll pluck out every imperfection in my brow until it no longer furrows for men who do not deserve it.

I'll put kajal on my waterline so whoever makes me cry has to see me in all my horrifying anger.

I'll powder up my cheeks to hide the tears my father never dried and put lotion on the skin that holds the scars from wounds I was too young to heal.

Like my mother did.

Because I need to be beautiful like my mother.

Even if it leaves me lifeless.

She has been lifeless for most of her life too.

and I know I hurt you. I know it must have hurt a lot. but I need you to see that you hurt me too.

no, I don't want an apology. all I want is that you look at me and see that you have hurt me too. that it hurt a lot, too.

I went to riverbed to wait for you to show up, you didnt show up, I kept waiting .

I can't explain what i mean and even if i could I'm not sure i would feel like it .

Love, On Its Way Out.

Two Week Notice, Leanna Firestone | Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines, Pablo Neruda | Conversations Over Sanguinaccio Dolce, I.B. Vyache | Seaside Improvisation, Richard Siken | I never went to that movie at 12:45, Dolly Lemk | In a Dream You Saw a Way To Survive, Clementine von Radics | Quote by Kate McGahan | Pillow Thoughts, Courtney Peppernell | Bluets, Maggie Nelson

(This isn't prompted by my real life so much as it is my love for that first song and also. blorbos.)

But an unquenchable love for you has never left me...

{Quotes: Alejandra Pizarnik, Approximations/Simone de Beauvoir, from Diary of a Philosophy Student: Volume 2, 1928-9; Sunday, October 7/chen chen, nature poem in ‘when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities’/sue zhao/ Sylvia path / Maggie Nelson, Bluets/Richard siken/Ingeborg Bachmann, In the Storm of Roses from ‘The Poem for the Reader’, tr. Mark Anderson ,paintings: pinterest}

"Aafton ke dour mein chein ki ghari hai tu."

"In the era of calamities, you're a moment of peace."

- Nasir Kasmi

funny how you just straight up forget basic maths when you start learning advanced equations and stuff

for example, yesterday i used the calculator to do 2x1 and the calculator said 2 and i was like 🤨🤨 this seems wrong

When Jaun Elia said Ek hi shakhs ki baat hai maula, Sara jahan kisne manga hai

Dear diary,

Maybe i didn't give anything to my parents to be proud of.

My current state of mind

These are some urdu/اردو words you can say to your lover/mehboob/محبوب in place of bae,baby,babe; with beautiful meanings. Take my breath away everytime:

Hamraz/ہم راز >>> with whom one shares secrets

Jaan-e-Ghazal/جان غزل Life of my poetry

Mahjabeen/مہ جبین >>> Moon-faced beauty

Sayonee/سیونی >>> soulmate

Zohraa-Jabeen/زہراجبین >>> one with a forehead shining like venus

Rashk-e-Qamar/رشک قمر >>> from whose beauty moon is envy of

Hoor/حور >>> woman of paradise

Madno/مدنو >>> Beloved

Dilruba/دل ربا>>> Sweetheart

Jaan-e-mun/جان من >>> Lifeline of my heart

Khawab ki taaber/خواب کی تعبیر >>> interpretation of my dream

Noori/نوری >>> My light

Maahru/مہرو >>> Splendidly luminous

Nur-e-hayat/نور حیات >>> Light of my life

Gul badan/گل بدن >>> rose-bodied one

When Jaun Elia said Yeh mujhe chein kyu nahi parta, ek hi shakhs tha jahan mei kya?

When Hali said Aalam mein tujh se laakh sahi tu magar kahan

And when Nasir Kazmi wrote Meri sari umar mei ek hi kami hai, tu

They really said the truth because some people are Irreplaceable..

there is something so darkly comical about tumblr potentially outliving twitter

tumblr, which is held together with duct tape and madness, run by three raccoons in blood stained Yahoo! hats and a handful of crabs, its only discernible source of income the sale of shoelaces from an inside joke so inside no one knows the original source anymore and fake blue checkmarks... that website still lives on

truly the cockroach of social media and I love it for that

“I think women like to read about murderous mothers and lost little girls because it’s our only mainstream outlet to even begin discussing female violence on a personal level. Female violence is a specific brand of ferocity. It’s invasive. A girlfight is all teeth and hair, spit and nails — a much more fearsome thing to watch than two dudes clobbering each other. And the mental violence is positively gory. Women entwine. Some of the most disturbing, sick relationships I’ve witnessed are between long-time friends, and especially mothers and daughters. Innuendo, backspin, false encouragement, punishing withdrawal, sexual jealousy, garden-variety jealousy — watching women go to work on each other is a horrific bit of pageantry that can stretch on for years. Libraries are filled with stories on generations of brutal men, trapped in a cycle of aggression. I wanted to write about the violence of women. […] I particularly mourn the lack of female villains — good, potent female villains…I’m talking violent, wicked women. Scary women. Don’t tell me you don’t know some. The point is, women have spent so many years girl-powering ourselves — to the point of almost parodic encouragement — we’ve left no room to acknowledge our dark side. Dark sides are important. They should be nurtured like nasty black orchids.”

— Gillian Flynn, “I Was Not a Nice Little Girl”

do you actually not like reciving gifts or did you just grow up being told how expensive it was to raise you?

and now, anytime anyone spends any money on you,you fell guilty

A father warns his daughter about men's intentions, their shallowness and crudeness; a father thereby warns his daughter about himself, his past self, too. I am a man, I know what it is to be a man; I was like them, and now I must warn you about them. I am warning you about myself; be careful.

Katherine Angel, Daddy Issues

Divine feminine

All the artists are mentioned here ✨

Don't believe nostalgia, it blurs the edges of knives and makes them look like candles.

Me to my economics professor/advisor: Oh, btw here is my game theory paper on why divination is often a perfectly reasonable tool in decision-making… partly as an excuse to write extensively on the different forms of divination in Ancient Greece, featuring an unnecessarily detailed explanation of the history and practice of hepatoscopy + helpfully labelled pictures and diagrams of livers! 

Him: Have you considered graduate school?

Me: You just want the opportunity to shit-talk me in all my “recommendation” letters, don’t you?

“Are we just friends if it's your breath on my neck late at night or if it's our laced fingers beneath your covers? How tightly do we need to be pressed against each other before you admit that you aren't doing this for warmth? How many times does your thumb need to brush my lips before we realize that we've gone too far?”

— tara love/ this. this is too far.

anyone else disgusted by the enormity of their desire or is it just me

If you like the word “queer” reblog.