Thoughts On The Post-Halsin-confession Scene (Astarion Romance Spoilers)

guinea pig study

Little Astarion the bat! (*˘︶˘*).｡*♡

Post-game rambles

So I finally finished my first playthrough of BG3. Here are some of my brief, post-game-emotion-addled thoughts on it. (Alternate title: The existence of Astarion has forever altered my brain chemistry I will never be able to adequately express my feelings about him)

I had spent a year dying to get this game before I ever played it, because I had heard such good things, and honestly it surpassed my expectations in every way. I can tell this is one of those pieces of art that will remain firmly implanted in my heart probably forever. I could go on for days about everything I love about this game, but I think there are also some things I could never put into words if I tried.

In particular, Astarion and his storyline really just completely and profoundly captivated me in a way I don't know how to express. It's very rare that a character consumes my heart and mind this much, but his story and character is beyond beautiful and will always be incredibly special to me. Not to say I don't absolutely adore the other characters, because I do, but Astarion just stole both the show and my heart. I will never shut up about him. All the characters in this story feel so alive, and it's palpable just how much heart went into creating them, along with everything else in the world of this game.

It's been a while since a story's had me bawling my eyes out multiple times like this game had me, and it was so well-earned. I cared so much about this world and characters that everything just affected me so deeply. All the feelings are still raw and I'm a mess, so someday I think I'll be better able to put into words what this game meant to me, but right now I'm just dizzy with how amazing this experience was. I think I'll be losing my mind about it forever.

And I'm looking forward to playing it about 100,000 more times.

[From the game's datamined dialogues]

Astarion says those lines when he helps your fallen character in battle (romanced and/or friend depending on the lines).

He may be half-joking here, or maybe not at all, but in any case, I find it interesting that he already calls himself a hero and saviour (even ironically) when he helps you. And it made me think a lot. (And maybe I'm overthinking all this but eh... the brain-rot is real).

Because, beyond the possible irony of those "hero/saviour” labels, it says something about the image he has of himself while your adventures unfolds.

During the Tieflings' party, he's quite loud about not enjoying being a hero. He wasn't particularly fond of the idea of saving the Grove in the first place anyway.

Same with the Gnomes in the forge, saving them isn't his priority, to say the least.

After all, why would he play the hero when no one, in 200 years, has ever even tried to save him. Neither heroes, nor gods.

So I was thinking about how Astarion came to realise that not only you care about him, but that he too cares enough about you to want to help/save you.

Does you adventures together slowly make him understand that he can save you, as much as you can save him?

After all, quite early in Act 1, you can tell him that you agree to watch each other's back.

And he approves.

I want to believe that this "deal" is the first step toward his acknowledgement: he can protect and get some protection. It starts as a kind of transaction, but gradually, it's not about mutual benefice anymore. After a while, he wants to help/protect, as much as you want to help/protect him, as friend or a lover.

And of course, it paves the way to the epilogue (spawn Astarion, not romanced). 

And it's beautiful.

He made it all the way from resenting heroes for not saving him, to becoming a hero himself - the kind of hero he decides to be.

And I am wondering... the fact that he can protect you, did it affect his own self-esteem? making him realise his own worth? As a fighter, but also as friend or a lover, as someone one can rely on...

Did it make him realise that he too can become his own hero, his own saviour?

That without Cazador's power over his body, he has everything in him to save himself?

Doodle of Astarion going from starved and newly freed to eating better and getting chubbier

Controversial, but i'm six-pack hater. Out of romanceable male companions only Wyll should be allowed to have defined abs. Thank you for coming to my ted talk

What is your take on Astarion's relationship with his siblings?

I have put unreasonable amounts of time into thinking about what the dynamics were like during Cazador's reign in that house. I mean, imagine sharing the same tasks, bedrooms, and general experiences of abuse and duress with the same people FOR TWO HUNDRED YEARS. That's absolute madness. If any of you have had experiences with co-living with family under stress for any extensive amount of time, you know very well the levels of emotional 4D chess-ing that tend to take place as a result. You end up distributing so much frustration and anger around and often onto the very same people you will ultimately seek comfort from - this is that situation but blown up to impossible proportions.

So, "strained" doesn't really do justice as a descriptor here. I believe the family had a dynamic, ever-evolving hierarchy within itself, years-worthy of time where the spawn shifted alliances and made "cliques" within themselves - rebels would evolve into pushovers and trusted friends would turn into snitches. You had endless amounts of drama within the group and flies on the walls would witness them cut each other's heads off one day and sob into one another's laps the next.

Naturally I think all of them were resistant to the concept of being a "family" at first, but it's pretty much impossible to not develop family-like ties throughout that long of a period. Following Cazador's death, I believe there would be further splintering within as some want to maintain said ties and others are eager to cut them - seeing both their siblings and the relationships themselves as yet another painful reminder of what Cazador imposed upon them.

I think Astarion falls into the latter category. If he had his way, he would never see, speak, or think of his brothers and sisters again. And while the sibling nomenclature is a deeply-rooted habit, he doesn't think it holds any legitimacy whatsoever (whether or not that's the case in his heart is another matter).

Dalyria (the moon-elf physician, whom I have come up with a story, personality, background and motivations during several long showers that might not necessarily line up with yours, so, if anything of what I'm about to say seems pulled out of a hat, it's because it was) is the opposite. She has grown attached to the constant presence of her siblings and taken a mother-goose role upon herself. With the Exception of Leonard and Violet (more on that later) she has decided they are her responsibility and wishes the group would stick together.

I like to think that there's a lot of history between those two in particular. Obviously, the interactions between Astarion and his siblings are very brief, but It's enough to run with. Dalyria shows a lot of concern and understanding towards him and even pleads when he threatens Petras' life - again, I think she did a lot of trying to pragmatically keep the peace among them and genuinely grew attached to a few - Astarion being the main one of said few. You even get the smallest hint of a on-and-off intimate relationship with the way he derisively calls her by her nickname.

Also, Astarion very occasionally showcases enough emotional maturity that I could see him latching onto the one other person around who seems to have her wits about her, but he's still flawed enough that Dalyria can think of him as a younger sibling that needs her care. Not to mention that, to me, she demonstrates a penchant for moral superiority and a dash of a machiavellian outlook, based on her diary and her completely unapologetic initiative to kill a child on the small chance it would lead her to a cure - not any child either, but Leonard's child. I can totally see Astarion sympathizing and gravitating towards someone like that.

Which brings us to the rest of the siblings - I would wager that, at least by the end of it all, Leonard and Violet were the odd-ones out. As it tends to happen within any tight-knit group, when one succeeds by stepping over the others (even if the reasons for it are justifiable) that brews a lot of resentment and eventual exclusion. Leonard not only did that, but he apparently still held onto hope of future and family outside the Szarr house; wheter or not everybody wanted out, I think a us-versus-them mentality is unavoidable under those circumstances, and Leonard was looked down upon by the others in their respective ways for what he was trying to do.

Violet just seems like she had gone a little cuckoo to me. We get very little about her, but when I think of an adult woman playing childish pranks on her roomates while you are all stuck in what's essentially a human trafficking ring... I think of a person who's either just a very silly breed of evil or who has lost touch with reality, and the latter is more interesting, imo. I think no one liked her, not only because she was a nuisance but also because she became completely emotionally untouchable. I think both Violet and Leonard are spawn who did not survive long after they were all freed.

I'll stop here before I ramble on for another 8 paragraphs about Aurelia, Yousen and Petras (Oh Petras, my beloved), but, yes, suffice to say that I believe it was kind of complicated LOL

EDIT: Not me calling Leon "Leonard" this whole post. Sorry buddy, you look like a Leonard.

Just a take on Wyll's transformation (spoilers)

Can we talk about how when Mizora turns Wyll into his devil-ish form as a punishment... it's like really messed up? I get that it could have been much worse, but she literally violated his body irrevocably. Not for the first time. I'd probably have a panic attack if my body suddenly changed like that. Not to mention that him now looking this way is kind of devastating to the heroic, evil-fighting image he wants to present. It's like Mizora saying smugly: "who will look at you and think you're a hero when you look like *this*?" Because she knows how deep that would cut for him.

I've talked about this before, but I wish Wyll was allowed to have more moments that show that he's hurting, and I wish that his reaction to the transformation had more emphasis. Honestly his interaction at the Tiefling party is kind of heartbreaking. He basically says "you go on and enjoy the party without me. I'd just bring everyone down". Just another example of him keeping his feelings neatly tucked away for the sake of others. Wyll is going through so much in act 1 but it's portrayed so subtly compared to other characters that I think people overlook it.

BG3 has rotten my brain so much that this color palate makes me emotional help

iykyk

Love how Neil is hyper-vigilant and exceptionally good at reading people, but doesn't realize that the man he spends 24/7 with is obsessed with him. Truly our autistic demisexual icon

Although to be fair, Andrew's love languages include:

death threats

"I hate you"

swearing a weird oath to protect him from the mafia

causing physical harm

I don't need drugs, I've got: character whose arc is about reclaiming their identity and autonomy and healing and ending the cycle of violence and learning to be loved