I Gotta Remember This

i gotta remember this

before it kills me || jon snow

"Are you jealous?"

"Maybe. Or maybe I'm afraid. I don't know."

you're jealous of the dragon queen, and it's tearing you up. fem!reader. takes place s8.

Thank you so much for the request! Sorry it took so long!Hope you like it!

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You'd always been the jealous type. Not just with lovers, but with friends, and with things, and with luck. When you were a child, you'd stare at the highborn whenever they passed through your village, dressed in silk and plate armor, on shining, well-bred horses. Why them? You would think. Why them, and not me?

At the Wall, you'd been jealous of Jon at first. He was stronger, and faster, and better trained than you-- that is to say, trained in the first place. You'd been jealous of Sam, who could read, and Grenn, who could ride, and Pyp, who could sing. It had faded, of course, and you hadn't let it stop you making friends for too long, but still, it was your first instinct. It always had been.

Now, at Winterfell, after years of fighting, and bleeding, and freezing your ass off on the edge of the world, you found yourself jealous again. Not of someone's skill, or weapon, or training, like would be even marginally acceptable for someone of your age. No, you were jealous of a pretty woman, and how much time she spent with Jon Snow. And it was bad.

That fucking Dragon Queen had you pacing. Pacing, and brooding, and biting your nails, and cursing yourself for all of it. You had more important things to be worried about than the affections of Jon Snow, who wasn't yours to be jealous for in the first place. Gods, when did you even start loving him? Maybe you always had. Either way, this was what you got for dancing around him for years-- you hadn't made him yours when you could've, and now, someone better had shown up to whisk him off on dragonback.

Daenerys Stormborn-- First of Her Name, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons. The Unburnt, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Queen of the Andals and the First Men. How could you ever compete with that?

Did you even want to try?

What could you possibly give him that she couldn't? She was inspiring, powerful, and unmatched in beauty. A Targaryen. A gods-damned dragon rider. And you were a bastard girl who cut her hair and became a man of the Watch. Not even a bastard of someone noble and important, like Jon was. Just a Flowers of some Redwyne or Fossoway who's name your mother forgot. Rough, weary, dressed in old black ringmail and scars.

Daenerys dressed in furs and silver.

Didn't he deserve her?

You should have just talked to him. You knew that. But jealousy was an old friend, a familiar pain. It was easy to sink back into. So you let it claw at you for hours, for days, alternatingly ferocious and grieving. It ate you from the inside out and the outside in, made you irritable and anxious and guilty. Distracted. You slipped up on the sparring field. Battle plans went in one ear and out the other. No sleeping position was comfortable anymore, and your jaw ached from constant clenching and grinding your teeth.

Your friends had grown worried. You hadn't let even Davos coax out what was wrong, though you suspected he already knew. You were growing worried too. Fighting the dead would need you at your strongest, and the dull ache in your chest was taking its toll.

You grit your teeth again, and got out of bed. This has got to end. Fuck it if he loved her, if you had been wrong, and all the glances, the stray touches, the so-nearly-kisses that always seemed to get interrupted had all meant nothing to him. At least you'd know, and you'd move on. Or you'd die fighting Walkers, and none of it would matter. Either way, it'll be better than this.

The castle was sleeping, and nobody but a few wandering soldiers were there to pay you any mind. Poor bastards probably can't sleep either. Some bowed their heads respectfully when you walked past, mumbling "M'lady," or sometimes "Ser," though you were not a knight, and lady of nothing but your sword. You quickened your pace.

When you reached Jon's room, you didn't let yourself think twice. You didn't steel yourself, didn't take a breath, just rapped on the door before you had a chance to go craven and leave.

Jon opened the door. Disheveled, in nothing but a plain shirt and trousers, though clearly awake. Your breath hitched. It felt intimate, seeing him this way, out of his capes and his leather, without Longclaw on his hip. His eyes widened, and you remembered your own appearance. Your bare feet, your undone hair, your dressing gown. At least we're even, then.

Jon ran a hand through his hair. "You need something, Flowers?" He mumbled, not unkindly, a tired smile ghosting his lips.

"Do you love me?"

"What?"

You pushed your way into the room. Jon's eyes flared again, but he didn't stop you. "You heard me, Snow. Do you love me? All those times we sat on watch together. All those times you held my hand, and came to greet me at the tunnel when I came back from a ranging, and fussed over me when I got hurt. How you called for me when the fighting ended at Castle Black, and after the Boltons, and how I called for you. Did all of that mean something to you, or did I imagine it?"

His brow furrowed, and for a moment, he just looked at you. Then, his face softened. He took your hand in his, warm and rough and familiar, and threaded his fingers through yours.

"Are you jealous?"

Damn him.

"Maybe." Your voice came out a tremble. "Or maybe I'm afraid. I don't know."

"Come here." He tugged you into his arms, and you found yourself clinging. It had all been so much so fast. All the fighting, the dying, the red woman, the free folk. Ramsay, and Cersei, and the threat of the dead, and the beautiful Daenerys with her dragons. Jon held you as you cried about nothing and everything for a while, rubbing your back and carding his fingers through your hair, murmuring reassuring things that you couldn't hear.

You could've stayed there forever.

But I need to know before it kills me.

With an effort, you stepped back, feeling a little empty without his arms around you, and a little guilty about the damp spot you'd left on his shirt. You took a shaky breath.

"I need to know if you love me, or--" you pushed a sob down, before it could break. Jon opened his mouth, but you didn't let him get a word in. "It's okay if you don't, really-- I just," you offered him a watery smile. "I need to know now. If you love me, or if you love the Queen. Please, Jon. Before it kills me."

You bit your trembling lip for dear life. You would not cry if he said loved her, you swore it to every god you knew. You would not ruin it for him, more than you already had. If he said he loved her, you would smile, and thank him for his honesty, and be done with it.

But Jon Snow didn't say anything. Instead, he sat on the edge of his bed, and took your hand, and kissed your knuckles. He kissed your palm, and your wrist, inviting you to sit beside him with a gentle pull. You nearly fell into place. Something about his touch always made you lean into him without thinking. He wasn't magnetic, exactly-- it was something softer than that. More akin to the gentle urge of gravity on a feather.

He held your face in his hands, and brushed away a tear, and kissed you softer than any fur or silk in the world.

"Of course I love you," he said, voice wavering. Tears had made a home in his eyes, just as they had in yours, and the look on his face sent a wave of guilt crashing over you. "I'm sorry you ever thought I didn't. Please, forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive, Jon. You know how I get, I--" you paused, trying to find the words. "I'm sorry. I'm a jealous woman, a scarred woman. I have no dragons, and no crown, and no beautiful silver hair or perfect face. I have no name of my own. I have nothing to give you but my sword and my love, and Daenerys has seven kingdoms. Well, she will, I mean. Just-- I felt like you'd abandoned me for someone better. Which is stupid, because you're not even mine to think about that way--"

"And who says I don't want to be?" Jon interrupted. He took your hand, took your scarred knuckles to his lips again. The way he was fixing those beautiful eyes on you, with such perfect sincerity, took every word you'd ever known right out of your mouth. Whatever he was going to say next, he meant it.

"I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine, and I don't want it because of power, or money, or dragons. I just want to love you. Is that so hard to believe, Flowers?"

"You would love a jealous woman?"

Jon laughed. "You would love a jealous man? I can be just as bad as you, you know. Remember when you got to be a ranger, and I didn't?"

That was true, and you chuckled at the memory. "Gods, you're right, Snow. You had on the most sullen look I've ever seen when you watched me and Grenn ride off for the first time."

"And that was me trying to hide it."

Jon Snow took you in his arms again, smiling now, and kissed your brow. When you buried your face in his shoulder, he smelled of linen, and smoke, and something that was just him. Familiar, safe, and gentle.

"Stay with me tonight. I want to hold you." His whisper fluttered over your ear, tone almost desperate, almost yearning. Your heart skipped about ten beats at once, and you shuddered. He's going to be the death of me, you thought, pulling back to look in those deep, dark eyes. He is going to be the death of me, and I don't mind at all. Gently, you pressed his shoulder, pushing him down to lie on his back, with you settled in the pocket of his arm.

He held you, and you held him, and for the first time in many days, you slept comfortably.

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jon snow's taglist: no one here yet!

(ask to be added to taglists! 'the sellsword's' is for all of my works on this account. Each character ive written for also has their own separate taglist, if you'd only like to be notified for certain characters.)

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saberlight1

2 weeks ago

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saberlight1

3 months ago

lmao rewatching season1 rn and tell me why nobody discusses the fact that jackie lost her virginity to travis on SHAUNA’S bed😭😭😭😭

But I’m a cheerleader…

Can I Request A Lottie Matthews X Cheerleader!reader, Where Lottie Always Attempts To Impress The Reader

Pairing: Lottie Matthews x Fem!Reader

Summary: ^up above^

Warnings: mentions of an anxious Lottie, reader has comphet<3

“Buzz Buzz Buzz!” Your cheer team chanted as the Yellowjackets scored their thousandth goal of the afternoon, they were definitely on their way to nationals for sure, and definitely deserved it, there she ran, Lottie Mathews, over the course of this season you and Lottie were spending quite some time together with practice, pep-rallies and the big games, she was a fabulous player and she was often caught staring at you in between breaks and half time, you payed no attention to it really, you just thought she was happy to see your sportsmanship.

Oblivious to you, she was hooked, you were the prettiest girl she had ever laid eyes on, but to you, she was nothing but a friend that occasionally shared lost looks across the football pitch. The sound of your Pom-Pom’s rustling through the air made her eyes turn each and every time, it was so distracting, but she didn’t care, not at all. “Lottie, kick the ball.” Shauna shouted across the pitch, this was the make or break, whether they win or lose, the other team were sneaking up the leaderboard but Lottie was not going to let them have this victory, she made that promise to you this morning when the bell rang for your classes, and she wasn’t going to let you down.

The adrenaline was rushing through your veins as your cheer-mate Lexi was clutching to your side with determination, these girls had to win, it would make the schools spirits lift up by a million. There she was, ready to kick the ball, number 5. “Go Lottie!” You cheered as you jumped up and down, your face painted with a smile as she kicked the ball into the net. The crowd erupted in a chant of yells of happiness and relief that their girls had won, “Go jackets!!!!” Your cheer squad lifted your poms to the sky and ran onto the pitch to celebrate with them.

Hers was the first face you searched for, and she was already running to you, you embraced her in a violently charismatic hug, dropping the blue tassels in your hands. “How does it feel to be the champion of Wishayok?” You beamed as she breathed out a laugh at your question, her forehead touched yours as her teammates touched her shoulders as a sign of their appreciation. “Feels crowded.” She laughed out and you wrapped your arms back around her, “It’ll die down soon.” You assured her, Lottie did tend to have sudden outbursts of anxiety and worry, but you were always there to reassure her, although not always, you didn’t communicate that much outside of practice and you both seemed to be on different segments of the high school clique chain.

“Party at mine tonight, how’s that sound?” Jackie shouted for the whole alumni to hear and a wave of cheers erupted once more as Jeff ran onto the pitch to embrace her in a hug and Shauna watched with distaste. “You going?” Lottie asked as you sat down on the grass beside a few of the Yellowjackets and a few of your fellow cheerleaders. Lottie fixed the ribbon in her hair before she lay down beside your seated figure, her hands stretching above her head as all the stress of the game fled from her body. You watched her as her chest began to rise and fall, she looked so peaceful. “I thought it was strictly a jocks only party, no?” You smiled but she wasn’t looking, which sort of made your heart pound with the lack of eye contact, why were you so eager for it?

Lottie’s heart skipped a beat at the thought of you skipping out on her, she squinted her eyes to you as the sun was partially blocking her view of vision, “Please go…” her voice felt softer now, she was internally screaming, she didn’t want to appear too clingy to you, after all, you were just friends, if you could even call it that, more like supporters of the same team. Your hands toyed with the end of your skirt as you sat in contemplation, she actually wanted you to go and spend time with you, maybe the party wouldn’t be so bad. “Who knows, maybe when you open the door to Jackie’s place, I might be there.” You whispered to her as you intertwined the Pom-Pom’s in your hands and stood up. Lottie gave you a small smile, which was barely existent, it was a playful tone but she felt like she was being blown off.

“My mom is here, I have to go, but… congrats on your big win.” You shook the bobbles in your hands and Lottie’s eyes broke a little at the lack of a ‘see you later’ she watched you walk off and wished for nothing more than to kiss you goodbye, to promise that she would have the guts to admit she loves you, but the words caught in her throat and you were already opening the car door, and she remained on the grass, Taissa sitting down beside her.

“What were you two flirting about?” Number 8 on the team spoke up, nudging Lottie in the shoulder jokingly. Lottie looked away with a little frown and Tai’s eyes became a lot more serious, “She isn’t going tonight it she?” Taissa asked her friend and Lottie shrugged and just got up and walked away, leaving Taissa the slightest bit regretful for even asking in the first place.

Jackie invited the yellowjackets to her place to get ready before the party, Lottie was finishing applying mascara as Vanessa and Laura Lee were busy talking about today’s game, “You seemed awfully close to the cheer captain earlier, Lot…” The red head spoke up, almost making Lottie smudge her makeup, she cleared her throat and turned around to face the pair, “Yeah? So what? She’s my friend.” Lottie put the wand back into the container and sat down on the bed beside Vanessa, Van continued to look at Lottie with her eyebrows raised and a sly smile on her face, “Friend? Hm, well, is she coming tonight?” Laura Lee crossed her arms, intrigued at the conversation the two were having and teased Lottie alongside Vanessa. “Nope.” Lottie sighed and suddenly Jackie’s doorbell rang.

Downstairs, unknown to her, you stood, with your jacket in your hands, waiting for somebody to open the door, you were a little early, as was Misty who was stood beside you, people are going to think you hitched a ride together, which wasn’t the case… Shauna opened the door to see you and smiled, “Hey, you made it.” She motioned for you to enter the house and Misty followed like duckling behind you. “Lottie is upstairs in Jackie’s room.” Shauna pointed up the staircase and you froze a little at how predictable you were to her teammates, but anyway you nodded as you narrowed your lips as if you were caught out and you practically ran up the stairs, and Misty followed Shauna into the kitchen to help prepare the snacks.

You knocked on the bedroom door and the girl you were looking for gracefully opened the door while continuing her conversation with the girls, “I told you I don’t have a thing for-” then her eyes met yours as you were revealed to Vanessa and Laura Lee and they shared a fit of laughter, “Y/N!” Lottie’s face immediately changed once you were in the picture, and a smile which was only reserved for you was etched onto her face, her eyes were bright as you waved to her and walked into the room. You looked to your friend with an unintentional adoring look. Vanessa caught it from a mile away and she had to look away or else she would cause Lottie to freak out a whole lot more than she already was.

“Told you I’d be there if you opened the door!” You laughed and her eyes lingered on your lips for way too long, Lottie wiped her hands on her skirt as she was about to freak out, you were making her so nervous, you just gazed into her eyes. You set your jacket onto Jackie’s desk chair, and looked at yourself in the mirror, fixing your hair and making sure it framed your face properly. Through the mirror you noticed Vanessa usher you over to her and you turned around and walked towards her, “Anyone in particular you are going to homecoming with?” Vanessa asked innocently to trigger a conversation, but what you couldn’t see was Lottie’s face getting more and more jealous, it wasn’t intentional, it just sort of… happened.

She rested on the carpet as she gazed up at you and your body, your hand and the way it sat so perfectly, how your face was so effortlessly pretty and how it looked as though you weren’t even wearing any makeup. You breathed out a laugh at Vanessa’s question and nodded, “Some guy on the football team asked me…” you didn’t seem too impressed but you were happy that you had a date, even if you didn’t particularly like him, it covered up the instant empty feeling you got when you were around him. “Oh?” Van’s face only appeared to be shocked, she got it wrong, unless you were closeted, which you most definitely were, you sighed heavily and lay back on the bed, copying exactly what Laura Lee was doing. “Lottie, do you have a date?” Your question was innocent and Vanessa and Lottie shared a look, Vanessa’s eyes were wide as if coaxing Lottie to let go and just pour her heart out to you, but you had someone and he was most likely downstairs right now. “No, not yet.” Lottie spoke faintly and she had her hands in the air from her position on the ground and she gazed at them.

“All in good time.” You assured her and you heard music loudly blaring from downstairs, making you jump a little at the suddenness of it all. It was silent in the bedroom and Van hit her knees with her hands and jumped up, “Well, looks like the party has started.” She amped up her voice and lightly kicked Lottie’s leg to get her to liven up, then you and Laura Lee stood and exited the room, Lottie shuffling along behind the both of you.

It was pitch black outside bar the fairy lights brightening the garden, where a majority of the party guests were, with a drink in each of their hands. You were a little tipsy but not enough to be completely fumbling. You and Lottie spend half of the night laughing and clinging to one another, each time one of your favourite songs came on you were each dancing with one another and laughing as one of you nearly slipped on the tiled floor outside.

Taissa and Vanessa watched the both of you with a knowing smile, even if the pair of you were never going to admit it, you had something special and maybe you were the one in a deep sea of denial, because maybe liking girls was in the cards for you. Lottie sure as hell wanted you to feel the same. Your so called prom date was now walking towards you with anger in his face, but you were unaware of him until he turned you around to face him, Tai and Van stared at one another with a shocked look but stayed away from the scene incase it wasn’t entirely what it looked like.

Lottie stood there a little shaken as he just ruined a moment she was having with you. “Where the fuck have you been all night?” He asked you rather pissed, he’d most definitely been drinking, and your face became sour at the sight of him that way. “I’ve been with my friends, what’s the problem?” Friend zoned again, Lottie just glared daggers at the football player. “Have you just forgotten about me or something, you have a thing for girls now or what?” Your eyes went stale as you looked behind you at Lottie, and proceeded to shake your head, you had gone little at this confrontation, and like your saviour, Lottie stood in front of you with an angered expression on her face, “Get the fuck away from her. Can’t you see she was happy until you showed up?” Lottie defended you like her life depended on it and the jock just took a step back and flipped you both off before stumbling back towards the table of booze.

Your crossed your arms, a little cold from the midnight air and your eyes searched every area of Lottie. She turned around to face you and placed her hands on your arms gently, and looked into your eyes for any sign that you were upset. “Are you alright?” Her lips were parted as she breathed in an out, completely shocked that she had the balls to even do that, but she cared way too much about you to just sit back and let you take that bullshit from a boy you don’t even give a rats ass about.

You shrugged your shoulders and Lottie’s ran her hands up and down your arms to warm you up but it was no use you were practically an icicle. “He’s a dick.” You whispered and a smile graced your face, which, in turn made Lottie a little more chipper at your remark. “Here, take this…” she shook off her varsity jacket and draped it around your shoulders, you looked up at her eyes with nothing but thankfulness that she was in your life. You did the noble thing and hugged her, the smell of her perfume entered your senses and it reminded you of all the times you would make contact after the end of a game or as it lingered through the changing rooms before the end of the school day, all these memories flashed through your mind of all the little moments you and Lottie each spent with one another and your mind was shaming you, why? Why can’t you just know how you feel like a normal person? It freaked you the fuck out… but Lottie was better than perfect and you needed to do something about it.

The song changed on the speaker and a ton of people began crowding around and dancing, and or swaying to the beat, your head was spinning as you rubbed your lips together and thought of what you were about to do, it was risky but it felt so right, Lottie’s eyes were on you now and it was the perfect opportunity, and you caved, your lips met hers eagerly as your whole world finally moulded into the correct shape, all your doubts and questioning finally flew out the window, as her lips connected with yours.

You didn’t give a shit if people were looking, neither did Lottie. Her lips were soft and practically fit yours perfectly, your hands were on her waist and hers cupped your face as she caressed you, you were both connected on a deeper level than you ever thought was possible, each inch of your bodies touching as you prayed for this moment to last forever, but alas the song finished.

And as soon as your lips disconnected you felt like you knew yourself for the very first time in your life, you weren’t just a cheerleader, but you were also a girl with feelings, strong, sincere, special feelings for the very girl you cheer for every weekend and Thursdays from 3-5. Your lips were a little swollen and Lottie’s tinted lipstick was now painted onto your mouth, her eyes were wide yet blissful, she was too scared to make the first move out of the fear that you didn’t like her back, yet this whole time you were fighting yourself, you don’t need a dumb boy to make you feel complete, because that would never happen, you had a different desire, if many people didn’t get that then screw them, you knew who you loved and that was Lottie fucking Matthews.

You went home that night feeling relieved and understood, now it was Saturday and you rolled over in your bed to turn off your alarm clock which was blaring right through your ears. You slammed the off button and as soon as you did so, you heard the doorbell ring to your front door, both of your parents were at work so you had to get out of your warm bed to answer it.

You hopped down the stairs and unlocked your front door, only to see the girl of your dreams. Your hair was a mess and you were in your pyjamas and she was fully dressed with perfectly styled hair and an adoring smile on her face. You could see her dads car outside as he waved over to you and you kindly waved back at him. “Hey you.” She laughed as she recalled last night, after that song ended you and Lottie ran inside and made out in the bathroom for a half hour before your mom came to pick you up. “Couldn’t stay away could you?” You joked as you allowed her to come inside your house, she turned on her heels back at you and breathed in through gritted teeth, a little disappointment in her eyes, but either way she smiled after it, “Actually… you kind of stole my jacket last night and I would let you keep it, but my dad said he needs to dry clean it…” as she spoke you closed your front door and Lottie’s hands immediately touched the hem of your shirt, fidgeting with it, your eyes went shocked at her knuckles touched your skin, you quickly kissed her neck before touching one of her hands and walked her up to your room, where the jacket remained.

“Can’t you tell your dad to come back later?” You couldn’t tell if your voice came across as joking or serious but either way you kind of meant it. You gave Lottie a tempting look but she lightly pushed you which only made you want her more, “He’s a persistent man, I can’t.” She kissed your temple as she took a hold of her jacket. “I’ll see you tonight? It’s the big game, the make or break to see if we get to nationals! And I need my girlfriend to cheer me on!” She whispered the last part with a smile on her face, making it more intimate, you laughed with her as you looked outside the window at her car, “Duh, wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

There was 2 minutes left of the game, emotions were running high and all of the girls were stressed to the max. You held onto your fellow cheerleader Lexi as you nodded along with what the girls were doing on the pitch, you were so nervous for Lottie and you would still be proud of her regardless if they won or not. Natalie had the ball and here goes…she kicks it and makes it into the net with 2 seconds left to spare, they won!

“Go Team!!!!” You and your squad cheered as you looked at your girlfriend, happier than ever to see you there to support her, the team gathered to each-other in a hug and you have never smiled so much in your entire life, since the beginning of the year you have cheered for Lottie and you will continue to do so right the way to nationals…

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