Growing My Garden

I've been trying and trying and trying to get back into fandom shitposting and metas and writing—escaping and finding some enjoyment in being here, but I just… can't. Fandom seems so unimportant now. What's the point of getting invested in any it? None of it's real, none of it truly affects our lives. And it doesn't change the real world; it doesn't change that so many people have died and are dying still—or that those I thought would protect Jews are engaging in the very tactics the Nazis and so many before them used to justify their genocides against us. I'm struggling to find the motivation to do anything besides wallow in the pain of losing family members, the slaughter of my people, and the danger posed to me, personally, within the diaspora. To be honest, finding any joy in life feels futile and wrong.

And this is why I'm so angry at all the random goyishe fandom blogs posting about how evil white Israeli colonizers control the world and are lying about what happened to them (but also how it would totally okay if had happened, since they deserve it). Because these supposed progressives? It's all performative bullshit for them. It doesn't affect their lives in any actual way. They can post about how (((Israelis))) are the real baby killers; they can deny the murder of Jewish children and rape while in the same breath claiming it would be justified if it was true. They can parrot every Nazi talking point in all but name, from Blood Libel to Holocaust Denial to the Elders of Zion, and still believe they are on the side of social justice. Then they can go back to their petty fandom drama feeling good about themselves and forget all about it, while everyone I love and everyone like us suffers the consequences of their actions for years to come. We'll live with the trauma and the pain and the loss—and they'll go on with their lives feeling morally superior to the people they intentionally, callously hurt.

Just... fuck them.

“He was ahead of his time because he had such deep feelings. He had the privilege of deep feelings because he was deeply loved by his mother, Gladys. He was able to appreciate profound beauty in sounds. And he started a musical revolution. They say all revolutions start from love.”

trouble is, idk what to do with the fear that we're going to wake up to seeing people dragged out of their homes and shot in the streets around the world, like that feasibly feels like a thing that is coming. and that will be justified by the left when it does

eta: i am not being overdramatic, as an example:

Will literally anybody at all see those murdered kids' faces and start speaking up. Everyone in my life tries to tell me the whole world doesn't hate us, that the "silent majority" is with us. But what fucking use is a silent majority? If literally nothing at all whatsoever can get them to stop being silent?

Babies were murdered and your peers excuse it and celebrate the organization that killed them and held a party as they handed over their corpses. And this "silent majority" won't even reblog a post about it, on the off chance that they get blocked by their violently antisemitic tumblr mutuals on a completely anonymous microblogging website. If that is the extent of the moral backbone of the "silent majority," what fucking use is it? People can bring up every excuse in the world for not taking this or that action or not talking about this or that particular thing, but the fact of the matter is that if you literally never push back against bigotry in any situation at all no matter how low the stakes are, you are completely indistinguishable from a bigot and what's "in your heart" is less than worthless.

What's inside only matters because of what it makes you do. Anything else is a fantasy we tell ourselves to hide from the reality of who we really are.

my favorite genre of women is running from creepy castles/houses

PRIDE & PREJUDICE (2005) dir. Joe Wright

Beware of the ghosts tonight 🎃

there’s not a morning i begin without a thousand questions running through my mind, that i don’t try to find the reason and the logic in the world that G-d designed. the reason why a bird was given wings? if not to fly, and praise the sky with every song it sings. what’s right or wrong, where i belong within the scheme of things…if not to hunger for the meaning of it all, then tell me what a soul is for?

i can walk through the forest of the trees of knowledge and listen to the lesson of the leaves…there are certain things that once you have, no man can take away, no wave can wash away, no wind can blow away…

the more i live, the more i learn, the more i learn, the more i realize the less i know…

media you can't touch because you interacted with it during a really bad and dark time in your life and the entire media is coated in gross drippy bad-touch depression gunk vs media you can't touch because you interacted with it during a really good time in your life and trying to touch it zaps your brain with pangs of longing and grief for what you no longer have, fight

happy halloween