Savingwords - Otherwise It Drives Me To Madness

Tightrope Walker

I’m struggling,

Stumbling like a failing tightrope walker

I turn and want to blame someone

For sabotaging the rope,

For distracting me

But there’s no one but me

I abandoned safety net and balancing pole

Instead there’s darkness waiting should I fall

There’s no way of knowing what’s down there

Should I tumble, would I crack?

Should I fall, would I break?

Should I jump, would I

Die

𝖬𝗈𝗈𝗆𝗂𝗇𝗏𝖺𝗅𝗅𝖾𝗒 𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗌𝖾𝗌

I sit here and put words on a paper that I otherwise do not dare to say. I don’t know who to talk to. When I mention what I think about I get told that it’s only because things are just not going my way right now. Funny. I suppose things haven’t been going my way last year either. Or the year before that. Or the year before. I don’t remember not feeling like this. These words, there the same. For years now. I’m writing them down because I’m unable to say them to anyone.

I’ve reached out for help before. Got weird looks from people when I told them that I need to talk to someone. Got told that they wouldn’t be able to help me because I just needed to get over this. Everyone feels like this once in a while.

I went there once. Got told I felt like this because I’m not taking control over my life. The situation was uncomfortable. I didn’t go a second time. They asked for feedback afterwards. What was I supposed to say? Thanks for not listening, I still don’t know how to not hate myself. How to not cry. How to make my chest stop hurting. How to stop feeling like I’m drowning.

Now the thought of talking to someone is even scarier. I don’t like to talk to people anyway. What if I take all my courage and ask for help again, only to be told it’s my own fault? I know it’s my fault. I tell myself that every day. I don’t need another person telling me the same.

—Albert Camus

I brew a coffee, I peel an orange, I play some music, I call a friend.

I take a photo with the old camera out of my mum’s drawer

A quick shot of life

One short silent depiction of how I view the world

I like the old films

Colours not too bright

I’m not good at photography either

Smudged pictures on 15mm

Too orange, too yellow, too bright

I like looking at people, like capturing how life is for them

I don’t like being near them

I like myself on black and white film

“Distance doesn’t separate people. Silence does.”

— Jeff Hood