Someone: Hey Can I Get Your Number?

Quentin: wow the stars are beautiful tonight

Eliot: yeah they are

Quentin: you know who else is beautiful though?

Eliot: *blushes* who

Quentin: Fillory.

Erwin: [pointing at a board that says "Being eaten by a titan"] There's only one thing worse than being eaten by a titan. Boom! [lifts paper to reveal "Child" so it says "child being eaten by a titan"].

Levi: A CHILD!

Eren: NO.

Person A: Wake up, darling!

Person B: *continues sleeping*

Person A: I made you coffee.

Person B: Oh that's really nice of you but I will stab you if you don't let me sleep.

Person A: *slowly backs out of the room*

Ravenclaw: if a car was going to hit you and you couldn’t jump to the side, jump up you will have a better chance of survival.

Ravenclaw: I feel like you would need that information

Slytherin: If I saw a car coming towards me I wouldn’t move, I would stand still and let it hit me.

Ravenclaw: …wow

the types as things Albus Severus should've been named

I’m back after hiatus to shitpost in honor of July 31st & resurrect some old memes yay

ISFJ

INFP

ESFJ

ESFP

ENFJ 

INFJ

ESTP

ISTP

INTP

ENTP

ENFP

ENTJ 

ISFP

I STJ

INTJ

ESTJ

Person A: so, how’s the prettiest person in the world doing?

Person B: *barely spares A a glance*

Person B: *casually* i don’t know. how are you?

Person A:

Person A: *voice cracks* i’m fine

dont talk shit about his man, jean

HEICHOCTOPUS.  based on a prompt my friend gave me

Yuri P: so how exactly did you two crash the car?

Yuuri: we were driving, and there was a deer in the middle of the road which Viktor didn’t notice. So I yelled, “Viktor, deer!”

Viktor: …

Yuuri: tell Yurio what your reply was, Viktor.

Viktor: “Yes, honey?”

When your mate’s snoring too loud…

“He’s been snoring for hours and I can’t get to sleep… What I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna hit him with this pillow…OK?”

“Fuck! Fuck Jacob get fucking down. I’ve been fuckin’ shot”

[Laughter]

“JACOB”