Vegetarians/vegans Are So Annoying When They're Like, "There's No Way To Ethically Kill An Animal." Like,

look at these glucose molecules, they're holding hands 😭

The percentage of people from the world population capable of following a written argument is probably very small.

have you considered that it's you who is old, and not the email draft?

While I was typing up some documents this afternoon, I needed a throwaway email address to receive some information.

So I logged into an older account I have, then clicked the drafts folder. I found a draft of an email from 2017.

The body read, "This email will have to wait." I guess I must have been hyperliteral at the time, since it's now been waiting for eight years.

first century: honestly off to a little bit of a slow start here like. jesus was obviously doing some big stuff, thats why its called the first century. han dynasty is neat but spans a longer time period so i cant give it too many points for that. 6/10 i’d say

second century: idk anything about the second century. not memorable, 4/10

third century: beginning of the mayan classic period. big fan of elagabalus. setting of (most of) romance of the three kingdoms. 6.5/10 honestly pretty good

fourth century: another one thats kind of, idk. council of nicaea i guess and wikipedia says this is when stirrups were invented. late classical vibes. 5/10

fifth century: fall of the roman empire! sexy! drama! attila the hun! not much else going for it honestly, but still like maybe 6.75/10 just for that. big fan of the huns

sixth century: sui dynasty is a pretty big deal, that’s about it. 5/10

seventh century: a lot going on. islam. tang dynasty. first written attestation of old english and (depending on exactly which inscriptions you wanna count) old japanese. hight of classic maya civilization. 9/10 love this one

eighth century: pretty much the beginning of japanese literature, man’yōshū etc. start of the islamic golden age. dresden codex. 8/10 would be higher but seventh century is a hard act to follow

ninth century: the invention of algebra, you gotta love that. we’re really on a roll now, 8/10

tenth century: this one always tricks me, the turn of the millennium happens at the end not the beginning. i know its the same with the twentieth century but that one’s in living memory so its different. song dynasty. “dark ages”. i like it but somehow it just doesn’t stick in my mind like the last couple. 6.5/10

eleventh century: norman conquest, heian jidai, 7/10 for sure

twelfth century: genghis khan is born, does some sweet ass steppe politics and power plays, 8/10

thirteenth century: a personal favorite of mine. the mongol conquests. half the known world. biggest contiguous empire. walk from one end to the other with a gold plate on your head. letter to the pope. im as big a fan of this century as temujins empire was thicc. 10/10 perfect score.

fourteenth century: i have nothing of interest to say about the fourteenth century. 5/10 by default

fifteenth century: ThE ReNaIsAnCe 7/10 love me some leonardo

sixteenth century: lots of genocide, 3/10 probably my least favorite. there’s lots of genocide in all the ones after this too but its not part of their aesthetic gestalt for me and thats what I’m basing this on

seventeenth century: sort of, wizard-astronomer with a big ass telescope vibes. calculus. 7/10

eighteenth century: american revolution, french revolution, haitian revolution, lots of drama. also i love townsends eighteenth century cooking, 7/10 

nineteenth century: overhyped fashion design, “lol what if the bad guys actually did conquer the world” edgey bullshit. marx was neat, also darwin. 5/10

twentieth century: dramatic, lots of twists and turns, very high concept. absolute masterpiece. 10/10.

twenty-first century: technologys gonna get so fucking crazy it could be great or terrible. honestly this coronavirus stuff will not be more memorable than the spanish flu in 100 years, in fact i bet less. trump’s bullshit will all just be like, idk weird facts to tell people about at parties like. ?/10 we shall see

Hachiko, the loyal Japanese akita. In 1924, a professor at the Tokyo Imperial University brought him to live in Shibuya, Tokyo, as his pet. Each day, Hachiko would wait at the train station for the professor's commute home. This continued until 1925, when the professor died of a cerebral hemorrhage. For nearly 10 years—from then until his death on March 8, 1935—Hachiko would return to the train station, exactly as the train arrived each day, waiting for the professor to return.

The best humor punches. This is because the best humor is mutual combat.

When God closes and locks a door, I reach for the lockpick set I purchased on Amazon dot com.