Skulduggery Pleasant But Instead Of Saying “ah” Every Time Something Goes Horribly Wrong, He Says

The war between the sanctuaries lasted roughly two months, so Val´s been on her period at least once during that time, right? 

I can so imagine her being even grumpier than usual and of course it has to coincidence with a mission where they have to hike for several days AGAIN. That´s downright annoying on a good day, but when she´s on her period Val is fuckin angry, because it HURTS and all she wants is a nice hot-water bottle and some chocolate. Instead she has to walk the whole freakin day. 

The other dead men are really confused. They can clearly tell she´s in pain, but they have no idea what´s going on. Even Skulduggery can´t tell. He´s been a skeleton for so long that he just doesn´t consider some basic human functions anymore. Anyways, it takes them so long to figure it out that it´s downright embarrassing. But once they figure it out, they make a point of buying her chocolate as soon as they are back from the mission and even after the war, after Valkyrie was gone for five years, Skulduggery continues bringing her chocolate once a month. Gotta keep the monster fed if you don´t wanna get chewed out yourself. 

Valkyrie just thinks it´s creepy that he knows better when she´s gonna be on her period the next time than she does herself. Like what the fuck? There´s observant and then there´s creepy, Skulduggery! She doesn´t mind the chocolate though. That´s always welcome.

What’s the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

Skulduggery Pleasant AU: Valkyrie is persuaded by kenspeckle to leave skukduggery and work with the irish sanctuary in a different capacity/deal with the magic/mortal-life divide differently.

[This ask is a prompt for this headcanons post]

First of all, let’s take a moment to appreciate this tag courtesy of the AO3 Tag Generator:

[image reads: “sappy scientific femslash”]

Surprising absolutely no-one, I am 100% here for Valkyrie and Clarabelle as magiscience wives. Lab partners, even. 

Like, sure, Kenspeckle could get Val to do something that isn’t either Skeleton Detective Assisting or Sanctuary Scientisting, but also. Clarabelle is right there y’all. And Val likes coats.

Ghastly would be delighted! He would make the best labcoats!

Now for the plot nonsense. Handwavey I-haven’t-read-these-books-in-many-years ye-gods-there’s-some-kind-of-second-series-I-haven’t-touched-isn’t-there? time, but I’d imagine some kind of complicated Darquesse related fuckery goes down anyway, because look at China. Being a librarian has not stopped her from being very much involved in drama!! I see no reason for Val to be any different.

I just typed “does valkyrie cain like math” into google and one of the suggestions along the way was “does valkyrie cain have a girlfriend”. oh my god !!! oh my god !!!!!

But anyway! I cannot remember if she likes math! I think the reflection likes at least one of the STEM things in school though. A Valkyrie+Stephanie teamup sounds like a good time.

Also, Valkyrie gets a dog at the end of the series right? She should still get a dog. The dog should have its own set of lab gear. 

Like, the goggles and the boots and the coat. Ghastly should be the one making the dog’s clothes. Ghastly should be chasing this dog around the shop with a teacup. 

Yes.

"once I'm gone, Dexter's going to need a new best friend"

This made me sad, because it is so true :(

I still remember hero worshipping Val and Skul when I was younger (I guess to some degree I still do) and now that I´m older I´m seeing all the flaws in their characters and their relationship... I guess Val did, too, in phase 2 and that´s a part of what caused her depression... Growing up sucks 

Hey, I just saw your post claiming Val and Skul's relationship is an unhealthy one. It confused me. Can you explain? (I feel like I have to clarify that I am not criticising you, I'm just genuinely curious since I've never heard this opinion before.)

[ kicks down door ]

Hi there :D

I’d just like to say that on some level, D.Lands planned this relationship while writing them. I personally believe around the fifth or forth book. Or it at least became more apparent.

It should also be noted D.Lands has a “”“"thing”“”“ on some level for age gaps.

Anyways, there are a few things wrong with the relationship.

One thing is the giant age gap. Skulduggery has never, to my knowledge, admit he was mentoring Valkyrie. He has always called her his partner. However, it is clear who hold the power in the relationship.

Skulduggery is a wealth of knowledge and adult experiences. He has lived several lifetimes-worth. You can see this ; Valkyrie doesn’t even know how to drive, let alone anything of the “world” he introduces her to. She relies on him for access to this world, to feel “adult,” in a sense. To teach her magic, yadda yadda.

The real issue here is that Skulduggery can be seen as “grooming” Valkyrie.

I mean grooming in this sense : Valkyrie is rewarded with something she wants ( access to this world, exciting adventures, magic ) by acting a certain way.

You can see this behavior in the first book: she didn’t want to let the death of a room full of people to affect her, because she wanted to be seen as “brave” in Skulduggery’s eyes ; not a child or a 12-year-old.

On some level, Skulduggery didn’t want an actual child following him around. If she had burst into tears ( like I know I would have at twelve ) he would have immediately changed his decision to let her follow around. I remember vividly how weirded out Skulduggery got when Valkyrie cried after her TOOTH got knocked out of her HEAD. I think she was 13 or 14 at the time, but he literally doesn’t know how to react when Valkyrie actually acts her age.

Not to mention, Skulduggery encourages her to not attend school, or interact with people her age. This is on top of the fact Valkyrie never tells her parents about Skulduggery or his tutoring ; she has no insight from actual adults who would see immediate red flags at how Skulduggery is treating her. ( This is also why I headcanon Melissa as low keyhating Skulduggery / not allowing Alice to participate in the world. )

She also mimics her behavior off of Skulduggery. In the first book, she is much quieter, in wonder, rather dorky. She thinks she’s really cool ( as all twelve-year-olds do lol ) and Skulduggery subtly makes fun of her. For instance, telling her about octopus-people or whatever, telling her that it’s funny some people ( the unlucky ones who DON’T meet a cool skeleton ) die without knowing about magic.

By the… third book, she is snappy and sarcastic and biting. She becomes reserved with people her age, haughty with others. Not to mention, Skulduggery pretty much talks for the both of them to EVERYONE, bringing Valkyrie along just for funsies. ( This is acknowledged in-text by various people. )

She models her behavior and actions off of Skulduggery to get his approval ( that is, more sarcastic, more stoic, etc. ). Not to mention, he explicitly comments on her “tight trousers,” mocking but at the same time rewarding her ( by noticing her ) for wearing them. Concerning stuff from an extremely older man in any other context.

He also buys her expensive things, like a room in his house, new clothes, etc., partially rewarding, partially to have her around him more.

I fully blame Valkyrie’s modeling on Skulduggery as the reason for her breakdown. She has never seen ( or really interacted ) with someone who shows emotions like a normal, functioning adult. She has never seen Skulduggery cry, or even get scolded for his actions, and she has seen this as THE behavior to emulate.

And then she’s suddenly the destroyer of the world, and she doesn’t have the ability to handle that. Weakness / evilness is something bad, to be looked down upon. She was scared she was going to mess up big time, and she didn’t tell Skulduggery because he’s never scared, and he would have never befriended her in the first place if she was EVER scared, or admitted to it.

But even then, she doesn’t have the structures in place to handle large emotional burdens.

AND ALL THIS IS FINE IN A NARRATIVE SENSE, EXCEPT :

1) The age range this is marketed towards ( young adult ) IS EXACTLY the age where this sort of grooming behavior begins.

2) IT IS NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED IN THE TEXT THAT THIS IS A HORRIFIC POWER DYNAMIC, IDEALIZES IT, SETTING BAD EXAMPLE FOR TARGET MARKET.

Your one exception is Kenspeckle ( the bae ), who vividly hates Skulduggery ( for good reason ) and loves Valkyrie, but this is NEVER explained. The above power dynamic was clear to Kenspeckle, not to Valkyrie or the readers. It came off as Kenspecks being a total douche for no reason, or the “grumpy father who disapproves of his daughter’s boyfriend.” When in reality, Kenspeckle is the ONLY ADULT who EVER realizes the situation Valkyrie is in, and tries to help her.

3) That codependency thing…

AND NOW, TO THE CRUX OF THE MATTER. This grooming is exactly why Valkyrie is codependent upon Skulduggery.

To recap : Skulduggery is the one who introduced her into the magical world, shaped her view and experience of it, and who continues to be her main access to this world.

Skulduggery, and Valkyrie’s want of this world, shaped Valkyrie’s behavior by : encouraging isolation from children her age, her parents, gentle but suggestive mocking, inappropriate comments, rewarding with his “”“time”“”“ and ”“”“attention”“”“.

Valkyrie, in a need to please Skulduggery : changed to become more like Skulduggery, models her behavior off Skulduggery. This includes : haughty behavior, superiority, isolation from friends and family, emotionlessness–or as closes as she can get, options on topics, places herself in danger to please Skulduggery, and going out of her way to learn about topics to feel she “impresses” Skulduggery and “fits into” the world.

( Not to mention, she is ALWAYS hesitant to discuss her personal, romantic relationships, because this might piss him off and he’ll cut her off. )

Literally, her whole life ( magic, personality, occupation ) comes from Skulduggery. She NEEDS him as a constant source of validation for this behavior, as well as a constant model to go off.

Hence : codependency. She needs him.

Skulduggery, meanwhile, likes Valkyrie because of her “innocence.” She knows nothing about his past ( blank slate ), and is literally in love with him and his style and his WORLD. This pleases his egocentrism. This is why he lets her follow him around. Because she adored what he introduced to her, and he is her number one source for continuing to learn, and she adores him.

Skulduggery is dependent on her for his ego. She is dependent on him for… a lot.

So, anyways, that’s why it’s unhealthy.

And that’s why I made that post ; I know that young readers ( like I was when I started ) see nothing wrong with the model presented in the books. Hell, when I started reading the books, I wanted EXACTLY what Valkyrie had. I wanted to be special, and hot, and smart, and have attention from adults.

The books ( and D.Lands by extension ) pretty much endorses it, shows why it’s bad, AND NEVER EXPLAINS WHY VALKYRIE WENT OFF THE DEEP END IN THE LAST 2 BOOKS.

Skulduggery emotionally stunted her. All that fear, and rage, and mostly, mostly self-doubt because she had FEELINGS, manifested in Darquesse.

Because Darquesse is what Valkyrie wanted to be. Untouchable. Emotionless. Powerful.

And that’s HOW Darquesse took over. She always insulted Valkyrie, offered violent solutions some part of her thought SKULDUGGERY would suggest. But mainly ? Darquesse just created self-doubt, until Valkyrie began to rely on her ( this emotionless powerhouse ), and then took over.

( This also falls into my headcanon that Darquesse’s voice never went away, just the power. Valkyrie still craves to be emotionless ( as Skulduggery taught her ) and powerful. So she doesn’t have to be human, so she can be COOL, like Skulduggery, and not be scared and afraid. It’s this smothering of emotion that led to Darquesse’s creation, anyways. )

But mainly, D.Lands NEVER EVER explained why Val and Skul’s relationship was unhealthy. Fuck, the books condone it.

This is also why the fandom reacted so viscerally to D.Lands dating a super young fan. It’s one thing to idealize, another to see it happen in real life, and realize the books condone that behavior.

( Just throwing it out there I ship Val // Dug so I am aware of these problems. That’s why it’s important for me to ship but also point out the problems. )

Anyways, please PLEASE let me know if you have any more questions. :)

Anti anxiety.

You really would think they’d have realised by now that having a group of seven really isn’t working for them.......

There are so many people in this fandom who just hate Valkyrie or think she´s annoying, but honestly I love her character. 

She´s so incredibly flawed. She´s arrogant and rude. She often doesn´t think about collateral damage and thinks the end justifies the means, because that´s what she learned from Skulduggery. All those things make her a round and more dimensional character. I don´t wanna read about someone perfect. perfect is boring. I wanna read about someone who fucks up, someone who has bad character traits. Valkyrie does. She fucks up, she sometimes is a shitty person, but she always gets up again and tries her best.

In spite of her many flaws, she doesn´t stop trying to be a better person. Unlike Skulduggery she is able to get over herself and to admit that her (past) behavior is often questionable. Even though fate dealt her a shitty hand with the whole being Darquesse thing, she still tries her best. Obviously, she didn´t handle the situation very well back in phase 1, but she still basically was a kid back then. A very frightened kid who was told by Skulduggery again and again not to tell anyone else because they would find a solution... 

So yeah, Skulduggery and everything in phase 1 fucked Valkyrie up, but at the end of the day she at least tries to be a good person and i respect her for that. Also, can we all just take a moment to appreciate how fucking much she loves her family and Xena?

This is getting ridiculous... I filtered any tags that have something to do with SoW spoilers, but whenever I see blocked posts on my dashboard I just click on them anyways, because I´m curious and keep telling myself that one teeny tiny spoiler won´t hurt

My self control is like non existent :(

Text post you’d make: I’ve decided that Seb*stian T*o eats strictly cardboard because at least cannibalism will be something interesting about his character. Yes this is a fact. No I don’t take constructive criticism.

god DAMN, there is no way in hell I could ever come up with something like that but I am nonetheless flattered