Are There Any Redeeming Qualities About Sword And Shield?? Like At All???

The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:

the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”

That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”

oh, that hurt

I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots

the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life

on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious

I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was

The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”

God.

for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again

it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”

I’m never not thinking about that screenshot of the Google trends for “gerard way pronouns” where you can pinpoint the SECOND they stepped onstage in Nashville.

This took me too fucking long. Anyway, like to charge reblog to cast

Pronouns: all, preferred they/them

Three favorite foods: miso soup, coffee??, pulled pork

Favorite colors: dark blue, dark purple, shades

Last song stuck in my head: unfortunately Chopin’s Variations on a Theme by Rossini (its an auditions song i’m learning)

Last song i listened to: see above^^

Time: 1:53 pm

Last thing i googled: “how many students are in LSA”

Dream trip: either Denali in Alaska or Europe in general

Dream job: forest conservationist, preferably in mountain ranges 

Anything i want: healthy family dynamics probably 

@yikesman03 @arsonissexy

yOooOOOOooOOO answer ten questions then tag some ppl 😈

pronouns: he/she/they, considering changing it to just any pronouns 🥲

fave colors: yellow and pink supremacy

three fave foods: mac n cheese,,, chimken,,, ,,, uh,,,, chocolate mmmmm

song stuck in head: afterlife by illenium ft ECHOS 😩🤌

last song listened to: look above 😭

time: 12:18 am 🥲

last thing googled: not entirely sure but prob the name of someone from class 1-b bc i was tryna apply faces to names while watching a vine comp 😭 my memory is bad leave me alone

dream trip: whehrueuwlwks GREECE ive always wanted to go there,,

dream job: nothing i don’t dream of labor <3

anything i really want: a fuckin,, qpp in my future bro, just a future in general where i’m free to love i think abt it every day ahaha

i was tagged by the super cool and sexy @villainsandvictimsalliance u should follow them they’re pog

i’m gonna tag fuckin uhhhhh @harmonylight @pilot-boi @issacthebraveandgay @wobblyjellyfish @optimisticfruitcup @greenbeanstan @gravitywhatgravity @pottermusprime @katmotif y’all don’t have to 😩

Books to get you out of a slump

Here are some books that:

Don’t have a daunting number of pages

You can breeze through and read super quickly

Have that page-turning quality you need in a book to get you out of a reading slump

Are immersive and the kind of books where you just feel “hooked”

Because we all know we fucks need some of this every now and then to keep reading

Here we go folks these are the books I would recommend to save you from a slump! Lots of these have a healthy dose of intrigue, mystery, romance, and a driving plot which I think is really the key.  Many are YA, and some are definitely lighter reads, but again this is all in favor of getting you driven to read

so uhhhh let’s just fucking get into them 

Saga: Graphic Novel Series by Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples

For when you need: something so fast paced you’ll shit yourself.  This graphic novel series lacks NOthing in depth, but has everything in pace and immersion

I cannot recommend these enough they’re arguably some of my favorite books ever and Absolutely changed my life I read one of them a night so go read them ya fucks

Strange the Dreamer by Laini Taylor

For when you need: something whimsical and magical that will take you entirely out of yourself and make you fall in love with words, stories, and dreams

 I weep. 

The Wrath and the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh

For when you need: a bit of romance, a well-known classic retelling, sexual tension, and beautiful declarations of feeling

This is just some angsty shit and honestly eat it up and get reading my dudes 

A Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee

For when you need: a swashbuckling romp, romance, mystery, and adventure through the eyes of a flawed young hero

bonus bonus bonus LGBTQ+ and disability rep !!!! fucking get lit to it guys read it!!! 

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

For when you need: a magical heist novel ft. a thrilling cast of characters and some incredible banter

fuck me guys these books are good and who doesn’t want to read a heist novel because if you don’t you’re probably wrong 

Trick by Natalia Jaster

For when you need: more banter here ft. loads of sexual tension, a lovely romance arc (ft. jesters and princesses), and miles of depth in the topics discussed

it’s just some good hate to love with some sexy times on the surface and then you get into the content (I won’t spoil but you’ll cry okay it’s so beautiful and powerful) 

The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater

For when you need: a modern magical-realism psychic and prep school boys sort of adventure that will make you feel nostalgic as all hell for places you’ve never been ft. true love and death, fortunes, and ancient welsh kings

Get urself a raven boy and a sick car I guess 

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater

For when you need: a mythical horse race ft. romance and atmosphere this book will make you fully leave your body and you will feel wind and cold cliffs and sea breeze

this one is so atmospheric I don’t know how you could tear yourself from it so cry about some mythical horses for a bit will you 

Fire by Kristen Cashore

For when you need: beautiful monsters, friends-to-lovers romance, court intrigue, and female friendships

This is just a solid ya it’s fast paced and whoLeSome

The Demon King by Cinda Williams Chima

For when you need: balls, intrigue, romance, banter, magic???? a grand time

Just honestly a romp of a story there are balls and kisses and this just reads like a fuckign movie

The Assassin’s Curse by Cassandra Rose Clarke

For when you need: assassins and pirates who set off to break a curse and cannot for the life of them stop bickering and possibly wanting to kiss

get fucking lit guys who doesn’t want a pirate book??? 

Hope this helps someone !! I recommend all of these and PLEASE leave any of your own recommendations for recovering from reading slumps !

thanks uh I’m out 

Yeah I’m a menace! Yeah I might commit nefarious little crimes! Yeah I might lay in the dirt for entirely too long! Yeah I “talk to birds like I understand them and it’s unnerving”!

tumblr is my favorite social media because it’s the only place i can escape the godforsaken phrase “oh my god slayyy”

My favorite part of reading Les Mis is when Victor Hugo says “we must be brief” and then plunges into a 40 page description of the Battle of Waterloo