🥲

I was rereading SBG and in chapter 39, Aiden says "you seem like the type of person to only get close to those who are special to you, and I dont know how to go about that" (paraphrased)

This man is literally telling her, TO HER FACE that he wants to be someone special to her. He is so clueless when it comes to emotional interactions and just relationships in general. He doesnt know what it is to truly have a friend, and he seems scared of messing it up. He blames himself for her getting hurt and he admits he was the problem and apologizes. He basically tells her 'I care about you and I want us to be close but I have no idea what Im doing, help me to be someone to you, help me learn how to be someone for you'

AHHHH Im probably reading too much into this but as someone who didnt have friends until I was like 14, I know how easy it is to desperately cling to someone and hope with everything in your heart that they care as much as you do. He definitely seems to be doing that here and it makes my heart hurt 😭

12 hours and 16 minutes later, I am about 45 seconds into this animation 😅

Anyway heres another panel

I feel like my style and how I have been drawing them is so inconsistent and all over the place, but I'm still at it 🤷‍♀️

So Jeremy cannonically has had hookups, as in pural, which means hes probably pretty damn efficient at getting his clothes off. I can picture them all going into the locker room for change outs and Jeremy being in an in depth discussion with someone, completely unware of anything else around him, tugs the collar of his shirt forward then reachs back to his sholuder blades, pulling it off in one swift motion then unclasping his belt with three of the most well practiced flicks, not even looking, pantsbutton undone and just drops the waist of his pants as he reaches into his locker while still having said discussion like its nothing at all. 2.8 seconds and hes half naked and Jeans just in the background like 😳

The fandom keeps taking about how they want Jeremy to get red carded defending Jean (if anyone is going to do that it would be Cat but yall arent ready for that convo) or for Jeremy to yell and go off on kevin for leaving Jean at evermore. I think Jeremy would understand, he wouldn't like it and may be angry but I think he would be more hurt that Kevin had to choose between saftey and betraying a friend. HOWEVER! I counter that Neil would be the one to get onto Kevin. Picture this, its a first banquet since Jean became a Trojan and Neil finds him and they start having a conversation in French about his new team or whatever random topic. Jeremy sees them and immediately is like 'nope, no way, last time these two were alone Jean came home in the middle of the night in shambles.' And goes over there. He doesnt say anything, just stands by Jean giving Neil heavy side eye. Of course Neil being Neil glares straight back. 'The fuck is his problem. He wants to be pissed at me when he failed to protect Jean?' Jean steps in at this point, trying to keep Neil from starting a fight.

"Do not start anything here. Jeremy's done nothing wrong and I am not cleaning up your messes.' Jean scolds in french.

"Nothing wrong? He was supposed to keep you safe. Which he failed at by the way."

"I dont need anyone to keep me safe." Jean glares at him, defending himself to which Jeremy takes one more step closer, just in case. Kevin and Andrew catch onto the commotion and walk over, taking stance next to them.

"Really? If we honestly believed that we wouldnt have sent you to the Trojans, you may as well have been a fox." Neil loosely gestures at Jeremy, dismissive.

"You and I both know he could never fit in as a fox." Kevin cuts in, switching them to English

Neil turns to him full of animosity. The glare of a Wesninski, its enough to make his stomach drop.

"I think youve already had enough say in where he ends up considering you left him at evermore in the first place." Kevin recoils, taking four steps back and staggering on the fifth, a look of horror on his face. When he glances at Jean, hes looking down. He knows its not true but its how it felt. Neil doesn't have to say anything else, Kevin knows what the ravens are capable of, hes seen it, on Jean, on himself, on Neil. The twisted smile on Neils face is enough to force Kevin to look away. Neil switches back to French, in a calmer tone.

"He is meant to keep you safe and help you get through all the shit they did to you. If he is incapable of doing that, you know where to find me. If you are hurt under his watch again." Back to english "I'll handle him." He glares at Jeremy then turns away, Andrew a step behind, staying between them.

I want Jean to crash out in a way that nearly hospitalizes someone

I want Jeremy to crash out in a way that nearly hospitalizes himself

Jean deserves to finally be allowed to be angry, to feel the hatred and disgust of everything he has been through, I want him to finally be able to fight for himself

I want Jeremy to stop hiding, to stop pretending everything will just be okay, I want him to be able to feel the sorrow and heartbreak that he is trying so hard to avoid

Let them feel what they are suppressing

Hc that Neil Josten has an insanely high pain tolerance yet says 'ow' to everything. Bumped his knee on the coffee table? Chirps out a little 'ow' subconsciously. Knocks over his water bottle with his foot? Instinctively says 'ow' as he leans over to pick it up, nevermind the fact it barely taped his shoe. Andrew watches him do this at least a dozen times before he has to say something when Neil drops something that doesnt even touch him but he still mutters an 'ow shit' before scooping it up.

"That didnt hurt." Andrew deadpans

"What do you mean?"

"You said 'ow', it didnt even touch you."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you do it every time."

"Never noticed"

*deadpan flabbergasted*

Surprisingly not SBG related 😅

I just finsihed reading All For The Game and I am so hyperfixated and need to rant about it

Spoilers

1. People do not talk enough about how Neil told Kevin to get his pycho on a leash or he will and the forever after Andrew told him to never pull his leash again, they highlight his perfect memory all of the time and this is just another one of those moment but like Andrew knew that Neil was right when he said that. He does have a leash, and Kevin has pulled it a lot, whether he means to or not. But Neil has it too, but he doesnt use it the same, instead he holds tight and gives Andrew the choice, every time he give him the choice.

Like Andrew knows wholeheartedly Neil is his weak point even if he refuses to admit it but he has to say something about being emotionally manipulated, but I think it was more of a warning than a threat. He knows Neil has an upper hand, his 'dont pull my leash' seems more like 'you can make me do anything with a single word and that scares me' Neil is different to him and I think he is so entranced and terrfied of that realization, hints the 'its not a this' because if it was he could lose it. He has been pulled and pushed and dragged around for so long, he refuses to let the one person who asks him to do the same. Neil doesnt need to manipulate Andrew because Andrew is so willing to do anything he asks.

2. The whole please conversation broke me. I had to take a moment to calm down because it hit so horribly close to home. Andrew has been used and assulted and belittled for simply being there. He so desperately wants affection, who doesnt, but the memories of someone doing things to him against his will is so haunting. Thats why the yes or no is so important to him every single time, nevermind the always, he will ask anyway, because no one ever asked him. His 'no' was vetoed and his 'please' ignored. Neil didn't even need to know this to stop cold in his tracks the moment Andrew said to. Neil knows Andrew doesn't like to be touched and the breif moments when its allowed are barely okay, so he doesn’t push it because he doesn't want to lose those moments. He is willing to stand with time and wilter waiting for when its okay again. Yes sometimes he has reached out or crossed a line but several more times he reminded himself, he doesn't like to be touched. 'His hand froze a hair away' 'he remembered last second' and so many more times he forced himself not to because he has no right. Andrew sees this, sees how he is so willing to actively not hurt him. Neil disgards the times Andrew has crossed a line, has hurt his friends or got so angry he saw red because he undrestand how desperately Andrew is searching for control, of anything, he's never had it before. He could have killed Allison for slapping Aaron. He so tightly holds onto the few things he has. He won't let someone hurt or break or take anything he has left. Which is why I believe he hesitates when Neil says he's not going anywhere, because he has fought tooth and nail for all he has, to keep Aaron who wants to leave, to hold himself together after all he has been through. Neil is willing to stay by his side and asked Andrew to stop fighting for him. The simple 'no' followed by 'thats why' is all Neil needed to understand, Andrew wants Neil because he is willing to put himself aside. Because his 'no' means so much to Neil, and he would never break it.

I came so close to tear with these books 😭

Been working on my OC's some more, finally got around to attempting to do Annaliese 😅 I fear she is too pretty for my level of talent

Mostly just bored sketches that I did while not paying attention

Ive been on a drawing binge of sbg fanart 😅

The first one is just a silly pic if them flexing at Ashlyns ballet practice. Got inspired by Full Metal alchemist for the second one.

Jeremy is trying so desperately to claw his way out of the hole his family has thrown him in, all the while his lifeline was cut, there is nothing to hold onto.

And yet, when it comes to his friends trying to climb through their struggles, he gives them tips and footholds, explains how to hold your weight without losing your grip because maybe he cant climb any higher, but they still are tethered to the top, to a bright future beyond all of this, so he smiles and hides the frayed, broken bits that are left of his lifeline, hoping to watch them make it to the top, knowing he wont.

Jean spent years at the bottom, unmoving, not knowing how to climb out, not willing to try. He never had a lifeline to begin with and the steep walls were an impossible feat. But Neil threw him a lifeline and he unwilling tangled into it, eventually realizing he can get out he can be free. And of course he notices the bright sunshine child, the man that radiates in the dark and he will linger as long as it takes for him to make him understand that they can do it together. Jeremy can latch into Jeans lifeline and they can climb out together. With Jeremys experience and Jeans unending determination, they can carve a future into a world that was against them.

Idk where I was going with this but we ended up here 🙃

what if when jean finds out about jeremy’s mother withholding his documents, the first thing he does is go and confront jeremy about it? “why did I not know before? I am your partner! why didn’t you tell me?”

he’s overrun by a sense of betrayal and that feeling is very quickly met head-on with jeremy’s own guilt, but also every other intense feeling that comes with knowing that your future isn’t really yours to have.

and this is how they have their first real, heated argument. getting in each other’s faces, one to demand answers because seriously how could jeremy not tell him? and the other to finally let their heart bleed out with things like “what would it matter? what could you change, jean? I don’t have a choice—“

and this is how we get jeremy crying in front of jean for the first time. they’re both hot with emotion and jeremy’s face is flushed while his hands shake and he just starts sobbing. and jean is so taken aback that all he can do is go quiet and stare.

jeremy’s eyes look almost black through his tears and jean listens as jeremy breaks down, spouting out every awful thought that’s been plaguing him all these months. how he doesn’t have a choice about law school, about how he doesn’t have a choice— he has to stay at home where they don’t love him.

jeremy breaks so sharply that jean can almost hear the jagged pieces of his heart as jeremy crumbles in on himself, and he doesn’t even think before he’s back in jeremy’s space again.

this is how we get jean hugging jeremy for the first time. he pulls jeremy close until jeremy has no choice but to cry into his shirt, and jean holds onto jeremy tighter than he ever has anything else in his life. he lets him cry, his own thoughts and emotions a tornado.

how quickly jean’s heart goes from “how could he not tell me?” to “what can I do?”

because he can’t leave jeremy alone in that darkness now— not knowing how deep it goes. he can’t let go of this sunshine man who has pulled him out of his own hell again and again.

jean can’t. he won’t. so what can he do—?