In Almost Every Other Children's Book Where The Main Heroine Is Swept Away To A Land Of Whimsy She's

I am whatever gender has the shortest line at the bathroom

too tired to be part of the solution but don't want to be part of the problem? compromise by becoming part of a new, much funnier problem

Me, calling in to my shift supervisor: Gooooooood morning! Are we ready for another super splendiferous day with the public?! 😀

Her: That is too much energy

Me: It iiiiiis fake!! 😀

Her: Still too much energy

The jorts. They are complete.

Since it's that time of the year again (the time where I feel like ranting about food and shooting pointed glares at smug europeans), I think it's time I correct a bunch of popular misconceptions about american and american immigrant cuisines

Let's take them one at a time

Yes, America has a cuisine. Dozens actually, before you even factor in immigrant cuisines that have maintained a recognized distinction. In no particular order: Pennsylvania is famous for its wide variety of baked good (notably chocolate chip cookies), every state south of the mason dixon has its own regional style and definition of barbecue, Louisiana is home to both cajun and creole cuisines (which are a blend of spanish, french, indigenous, african and english foodstuffs), texas has tex-mex (which is less a fusion and more a relic of when texas was mexican territory), and california, which is famous for its combination of east asian elements with existing american traditions.

Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth are NOT maple syrup. This is a mistake I also see plenty of americans make. Those syrups, which are cheap and come in a plastic bottle are mostly just corn syrup and brown food coloring. Actual maple syrup, which mostly comes from canada, new england, and upstate new york, is significantly thinner (about the viscosity of half-and-half) and has a complex taste similar to light brown sugar and fenugreek.

Biscuits and Gravy isn't what it sounds like to europeans. It's not even remotely close. American "biscuits" are a type of buttery, flaky, unsweetened roll similar to buttered scones, and are traditionally made with buttermilk. The name is an example of divergent evolution: both european and american biscuits are derived from ship's biscuits, a dehydrated cracker with an absurdly long shelf life that needed to be dunked in a broth or beverage before eating. European biscuits were sweetened to make them taste better dunked in black tea. while american biscuits were made buttery to make them taste better dunked in stew or gravy.

American Cheesemaking isn't just Cheez-Whiz. America actually has a wide variety of local cheeses, with the most notable being Colby (similar to mild cheddar), Monterey Jack (a hard, salty cheese used in quesadillas), Pepperjack (a softer cheese made from monterey jack mixed with peppers and dried herbs), Meunster (a funky semi-soft cheese that melts well), and particularly cream cheese (a spreadable fresh cheese similar to mascarpone that is traditionally smeared on bagels, or used to make cheesecake)

American Cheese IS real cheese. It's not made of plastic, it's a mix of cheddar and colby melted into a cheese sauce with fresh cream or milk and then cooled, which allows it to melt absurdly well and gives it a "floppy" texture. Typically sodium citrate (i.e. citrus juice + baking soda) is added to prevent it from getting greasy when melted. A similar step is used in some american versions of mozzerella and emmental that are intended for sauces.

Cream Cheese is NOT Kosher. Well, sort of. Not exactly. While cream cheese is a staple of american jewish cuisine, and does meet all the qualifications to be kosher, actual kosher delis are forbidden from using either cream cheese OR new york water for their bagels. For cream cheese reason is that kashrut is very stringent about cross-contamination between meat and dairy (this was historically to prevent shepherds from serving a calf or goat in its mother's milk), and these delis are famous for their corned beef and brisket. As for new york water, it has microscopic shrimp in it. As a result, these delis typically serve vegan cream cheese and make their bagels with filtered water

Turkey doesn't make you tired. It's not noticably higher in tryptophan than anything else at the table, and there's no evidence tryptophan causes tiredness. The reason you feel tired after thanksgiving is because you were either cooking or traveling all day, and then ate a giant feast while arguing with your racist cousins. That would wear anyone out.

American Immigrant food isn't "fake". Seriously, how fucking racist do you have to be to think this? No, it's not the same as the stuff you get in the original country, because it's an entirely separate cuisine in its own right, born from a hybridization of techniques, ingredients, and flavor palates. Most notably, these traditions typically use a lot more beef than the cuisine they're derived from, and in the case of Chinese food, are typically toned down in terms of spiciness to emphasize the sweet and salty flavors that are more popular among americans.

American wasabi is another story. Wasabi root is very expensive to import here in the us, so to meet demand, importers market a mix of horseradish and green die as a substitute.

MSG isn't "muh evil chemicals". Or at least, it isn't any more so than anything existing. Literally everything is chemicals. Msg actually occurs naturally, forming on the surface of seaweeds that are high in it, most notably Kombu, a type of kelp traditionally used in japanese cuisine to make dashi, sushi, and rice seasonings. The reason you get a headache after eating chinese food is that you ordered the saltiest thin on the menu and then poured soy sauce all over it.

Random anecdote I recall hearing sometime:

There was this Thai guy who was working in Finland for a time for some reason, and was depressed about not being able to find real thai food anywhere save for cooking at home for himself. Until finally he found a thai restaurant run by a couple who didn't pull their punches for finnish clientele, and was delighted to finally have some delicious fucking food.

He was so happy about it that he told about his find to a finnish co-worker, who was mildly insulted by the Thai guy implying that finns can't handle capsaicin, and if he was given some Real Thai Spicy food, the finn might legit die. So the Thai guy offered to take him to the restaurant, and see who's right about this.

So they go and the guy orders them both the exact same dish, reassuring the owners - both in finnish and in thai - that he's not fucking around, make the two exactly the same. His so-white-that-he's-mildly-translucent companion can handle it, and if he dies he dies, their people's honour is at stake here.

So their food came and both of them got to experience each others' cultures: The finnish guy got to taste what is considered "spicy" by Thai standards, and the Thai guy got to watch how a finnish man is willing to literally rather die than admit defeat.

I’m so glad that things like survivorship bias and statistical outliers became memes I wish more critical thinking skills would become widely-understood this way, I’m not kidding let’s get on this

I think if you put someone from 2005 onto a website from 2025 without the slow creep we've lived through, they'd think they had malware

this is how it went right