[December 3rd, 2023]

Hilda by Duane Bryers

"Private submarine carrying several billionaire tourists goes missing while surveying the wreckage of the Titanic."

Well, it had to happen eventually. This is where big-ticket extreme tourism and shooting untrained assholes into space and such was always going to lead – frankly, it's surprising that it took this long for a major incident to crop up.

"One of the missing passengers is the president and CEO of the company that owns and operates the submarine."

Huh. Well, points for putting his money where his mouth is, I guess. I wonder if–

"The missing CEO's name is Stockton Rush."

Oh, bullshit. That's not a real person – that's the name of a guy who builds an inexplicably 1950s-themed underwater theme park and then gets eaten by a shark in a cautionary tale about the perils of libertarianism. That's the name of a guy who carries off an oceanfront real estate scam that somehow ends with Superman fighting a telepathic squid. Fucking "Stockton Rush". Unbelievable.

he's a supermodel 😭

+

this coffee tastes like i can still have a beautiful life

he’s unhinged but he makes sure the crew has cake. he imagines the love of his life as a merman swimming to save him. he makes a figment of his own mind ring the bell in his imaginary inn. he’s high as shit. he’s wearing a pearl necklace with his hair in a messy bun. he ripped the ship’s wheel off after steering it into a storm. he painted a little bride cake topper to look like him. he’s crying on the floor every night. he conjured up a little pig to follow him around in purgatory. he’s thrown knives at every available surface. and have you seen his eyes. literally nobody is doing it like ed teach.