Instead Of A Playboy Persona, I Feel Like This Iteration Of Bruce Wayne Would Be A Disaster Celebrity

OKAY SO I FOUND OUT BRUCE DOES THIS SHIT ⬇️ THANKS TO THIS POST

And you cannot convince me he doesn't use it to protect his birds when they're in danger. Something's been tossed at one of his kids? He tackles them and cocoons them up with him for safety without hesitation. You could almost call it a panic response, if you could get him to admit that he panics.

Their reactions:

Dick: "I've been doing this nearly as long as you have, remember? I could have dodged that, but I appreciate it." Or "If you wanted a hug, dad, you just had to ask."

Cass: if she's in a good mood she's okay with it. A bad mood and he gets glared at and pinched because she can handle this dad, come on.

Jason: always starts cursing and wiggling around trying to get free before begrudgingly settling down and just accepting it. Never minds it as much as he says he does. Bruce would hug you more often if you weren't allergic to admitting you want him to you silly boy (he gets cocooned a lot so Bruce can hug him anyway).

"Are you alright, son?"

"god DAMN it old man!! Let me go!!!"

"I can't yet until I know you won't be in immediate danger."

"ARRRGHHH"

"Jaylad, I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"I don't need you to--!"

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you again."

"..........." Sigh. Cue a little more wiggling and an intentional elbow to B's ribs as Jay gets comfortable. His siblings are gonna tease him mercilessly later, he just knows it.

Steph: spends the time roasting him into oblivion and annoying him in the hopes he'll stop doing it; has yet to learn that he does, in fact, value her safety and well-being over his pride. Shocking, I know.

Tim: grew up pretty touch starved so while he finds it annoying, he also doesn't complain beyond a bit of half hearted grumbling because by god he needs the hugs.

"was this really necessary?"

"yes"

"🙄"

"How did you--"

Duke: What is this??? What is happening??? Why's it dark??? Straight up blinds Bruce in surprise every time which just leads to him being cocooned longer because now Bruce has to recover before he can tell if it's safe.

"Son, your powers are incredible and we're very proud of you but please don't use them on me"

"Sorry B, my bad."

"I'll admit that's a useful startle response though."

"Right?? Some asshole at school tried to sneak up behind me as a joke and had to go to the nurse and I didn't even touch him."

"Hn."

"Uh, I mean, I don't use my powers at school at all. Ever."

Damian: gets cocoon tackled the most because baby. That's his baby, people are throwing things AT HIS BABY--! Fucking HATES it. Will straight up start gnawing on Bruce's arm if cocooned too long.

"FATHER RELEASE ME AT ONCE"

"Not until it's safe"

"I WAS TRAINED BY--"

"I don't care."

A sulking puppy for a little while that will never admit to enjoying the affection, but still, only for so long. There is a quota and once it's reached, It's like Bruce has trapped himself with a rabid raccoon.

Why are his children like this.

Yes you are honey 😌

Damian Wayne 100% has pet chickens

Sooo... this is something that won't leave my head.

We know in the Batman Animated Series, Bruce was training under Giovanni, right? And he knew Zatanna.

Well, in the Young Justice universe, Bruce was little Zana's babysitter when Giovanni and his wife were busy with their performances.

Zatanna Zatara is the first child to give Bruce grey hairs.

I dare you to change my mind. 😉

Actually ... don't 😊

Teen Bruce (actually just me projecting lol sorry y'all)

Bruce: *gets thrown a condom in the middle of class by a classmate* wtf do you expect me to do with this???? Like I have a gf??? Or a dick?

--

Bruce, *internally*: Maybe if I sit really still the teacher will forget I'm here and I won't have to take the exam

--

Barbara: what kind of music are ya listening to?

Jason: radio static, because it's the only thing that accurately portrays my thoughts and feelings about this prison of a reality

Bruce: amen kiddo ill drink to that

--

Bruce: this literally tastes like ass

Ollie: how would you know what ass tastes like lol?

Bruce: you've SEEN my snapchat Oliver, figure it out.

--

Bruce, *texting*: alfie pls come pick me up before I eat a fourth orange

I like to think that when a parent has a emergency with their kid while working at Wayne Enterprise they just go straight to Mr. Wayne (if he’s in) No matter what, he has an open door policy. He encourages them to find him if they have any issues trying to get off work

Asshole supervisor: “and you have to leave? This isn’t a real emergency”

Parent: [walks off and gets onto the elevator to go to the board meeting currently in progress]

AS: “hey wait—“

Parent: [walks in quietly]

Bruce: “yes?”

Parent: “I have to pick up my child, I’ll be leaving soon”

Bruce: “is everything ok? Do you need time off?—“

Good parent and good boss Bruce Wayne

jason sends bruce very vague and very inside threats constantly.

like, when he was robin bruce accidentally stepped on a snail and the squish was so loud. jason got down on both knees and started sobbing about sylvia the snail dying. he wasn’t that upset but he was bored and thought it would be funny.

so sometimes he puts a posted note on the door of wayne manor that says, your going to end up like sylvia.

bruce gets happy every time he does it because it means jason remembers the good times they used to have. everyone else wonders who the fuck sylvia is and if jason killed her. bruce never tells them what the threats mean because he likes having things between him and jason.

Nothing stresses Alfred more than the batfam's sleep schedule

x

For a prompt request can I ask for a baby Damian with Bruce or Alfred in an early adoption au pls?

"Say 'hello', Damian. Say 'hello Grandpa'."