Your Fave Is Problematic: Jupiter

Your fave is problematic: Jupiter

could lose some weight. is ginormous. like HUGE. all planets of our solar system could fit inside with room to spare

is called a gas giant for a reason. super gassy. really really gassy. dude. stop.

(hydrogen and helium)

privacy nut: looks like a caramel candy but won’t show us his real surface. all we can see are his clouds and storms (terrible fucking storms let me tell you)

has a storm called “the red spot” that is several times larger than planet Earth

is thicc in all regards: his atmosphere is several hundreds of kilometres deep

probably doesn’t even have a real surface: the gas just slowly changes into liquid form. 

liquid. metallic (!). hydrogen. get a load of that. YO. 10 000 degrees celsius. weird as shit!

possibly doesn’t have a core. Jupiter always needs special treatment 

if he tried a little harder, he coulda been a star. get it together man. you just needed to be 75 times larger and you could’ve been a read dwarf. but no 

way too hot. so fucking scorching hot that he’s still cooling 4 billion years after forming (gives away more heat than he receives)

rotating too fast for his own good: going so fast (rotates around itself in less than 10 hours) that he’s shaped like a squished ball

has 67 moons… could’ve gone for 69 but gave up too early. boo

summary: big ass bully with a gas problem