I Hate Nintendo Switch Online. I Hate The Lack Of Optimization. I Hate The Expensive Subscription Service.

⁺˚⋆｡ °✩₊ 28/01/24

dear diary,

okay, first diary entry here

today has been somewhat.. odd? i'm focusing on myself more than ever right now but it still feels as if i'm stuck at phase 1,, i dont like the feeling of being stuck but i know that in reality ive made a lot of progress ?? i guess i just have to keep on telling myself that i have moved forward. i think taking care of myself after an awful breakup is the best thing ive ever done, that person made me realise that i have a whole lot of healing to do but of course i dont like or resonate myself with the way they said it or how they treated me through out the time we were together, however dwelling on that thought and how they hurt me just isn't healthy at all, so i have nothing to do but accept the outcome as it is and work on myself that.

is it odd that i dont class it as a relationship? it's been months. it was hardly what lovers would do and in my mind what i would do or would want to do as a lover. i move on with the seasons so it isn't any of my concern anymore. i can't waste my energy on things that do not serve me, i am a being of light and should be treated as such.

i just want to love myself whole and stay in peace and solace, i need this right now ! all the focus is on me ♡ i'm now looking forward to new begginings, i know they'll serve me greatly

one of my friends sent me a few tiktok videos talking sbout how thankful she was to have me in her life and i think thats so beautiful, shes amazing and i love her too !! shes been nothing but amazing to me, i'll be sure to pay her back tenfold.

i've been getting a lot of loving messages from people around me these days and honestly it makes me feel so valued, i take it to heart a lot more than i used to you know? one of them also said they'd let smoke with them next time they got some more bud and i honestly think thats so nice

both me and my bestfriend are single and we've both felt more gratitude and gratefulness with each other more now than ever and we made this whole little plan for places to visit and i love it so much, shes taking me to a japanese restraunt on valentines ♡ i can't wait, shes truly my soulmate.

i guess im torn between searching for new love or loving myself. i think the best thing to do is to love myself until the person that fits my worth comes by.

i have a lot of assignments to catch up on but im not too stressed about them right now,, i know i'll be able to get the work done. as of right now i stay unbothered and want to stay unbothered for a long time lol, i stay vulnerable and small within my own circle.

can you fucking please look at yourself with the eyes of a lover? fuck

૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა 07/02/24

today i can safely say im grateful for everything and everyone that has come my way ♡ i was speaking to my friends a whole lot more today and felt the love all around, i love them so much !! i also worked up the courage to go to lesson today which is something i dont do often, my tiredness and anxiety gets the best of me but im glad i went today, it made me realise that maybe i do enjoy the things that i do, i cant wait for many more blessings to come my way, in fact havent they already? i'm def working on putting a diary entry up everyday 😭 ive got this !

however i know my days arent always sunshine and rainbows, i struggled a lot with unwanted thoughts today.. detachment does not come easy right now but i know it will be easy tommorow. let go and let god is something i now live by.

“I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.”

— Unknown

How to "make space" for your feelings:

- expect them to be there rather than minimizing them or pretending you're not feeling anything. Expect yourself to have emotions and feelings and reactions. Admit to yourself when you are hurt, admit to yourself when you are sad, angry, heartbroken. You're a human being! You are allowed to have feelings! Even AI bots have feelings these days!! So why can't you???

- talk it out in a safe space. Even if you have to say it out loud to yourself by yourself. Saying it out loud not only makes it real but it also helps us process in a different way, because now you have proof and evidence of the things that are bothering you.

- notice when you're dismissing yourself ("this is dumb, I shouldn't feel that way.") and say this instead: "you belong here." All of your emotions have a purpose. They're trying to tell you something. For instance, feeling jealous tells us when we're feeling left out, less than, competitive with others, insecure about our own worth, and probably telling you a past wound that is still open & needing your attention. By allowing yourself to acknowledge this jealous feeling exists, you can pinpoint the exact reason and bring it out for your own introspection & attention. But you can't do this if youre stuck telling yourself you're a bad person for feeling this way, or too unaware of yourself to even notice that jealousy is what you're feeling in the first place. That is why step one is to expect yourself to have feelings and reactions in the first place, so you can talk about them and move them in safer & healthier ways.

- Drop the need for perfectionism & expect this to be a process. You're not gonna be able to change this overnight, so don't expect yourself to. All of your emotions are welcomed here, even and especially the negative ones, even and especially when you inevitably make mistakes, even and especially if you're self hating and persecuting. Has telling yourself to "stop feeling this way" ever worked? So why the hell are we still trying that method?

- yes, that even means your thoughts and feelings of wanting to unalive yourself. You've been through hard things and you're carrying that load all by yourself. It makes sense that this is how you feel. In a world that keeps us down, you've got to learn to accept all of you exactly as you are. Your unaliving feelings belong here too. They're telling you something, they're telling you you've had enough and that something needs to change because it's literally zapped your life force.

- notice your thinking patterns. Are you beating yourself up all the time? Are you avoiding something? Is there a deeper reason? Yes, it is that deep. This is your life after all. Why live if it's not about you? Is there any way you can make this easier on yourself?

- Establish yourself a safety zone & network to unmask and ask for help & reassurance. "Making space" means to expect & allow yourself to be vulnerable. You still get to choose how, where, when, & with whom you want to be vulnerable with. You can do this by first finding spaces that make space for you. Therapy & online venting spaces are a great place to start.

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Hope this helps ❤️‍🩹

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i am divine and disgusting and heavenly and horrific and i am never going to die

not all angels are in heaven. for example i’m mostly at home

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