I Realize I Missed NEDAW, By A Long Shot (Feb-Mar Was A Blur Of Stress And Medical Testing, Forgive Me).

I realize I missed NEDAW, by a long shot (Feb-Mar was a blur of stress and medical testing, forgive me). But I wanted to take some time and share that I'm a proud survivor. 🍽️

Those who have followed me for awhile may already know, but I lived through my teens and early 20's alongside A*orexia. I was surviving (if you can call it that) on 500-750 calories daily, and exercising past the point of exhaustion in attempt to shed the last stubborn bits of fat that clung to my hips while the rest of my body quite literally wasted away. Friends looked concerned when they hugged me, able to feel how little of me was under my shirts and baggy hoodies, but my mom said it was the best I'd ever looked. And my first adult relationships only saw me replacing these habits with ones that were easier to hide, so I could maintain the body those shallow men expected of me. I was miserable.

Transition aside, I don't even resemble the same person I was a decade ago. The pale, gaunt face in those photographs has been replaced with round cheeks with a healthy flush. Protruding collarbones have sunk beneath a soft layer of self-loving and the only thing that protrudes on this body anymore is a big, round belly. I lived in fear of fat, yet there isn't a single part of me that isn't covered in it now. And you know what else? I smile more too.

Feedism and fatness are not just part of a kink for me, they've been every bit as instrumental to my current body and gender euphoria as HRT and top surgery have been. It's helped me find love and acceptance in myself where before was only self loathing and disgust. In spite of the hardships and social stigma attached to my size, I'm happier (and probably healthier) than I ever was, and I've never felt so fucking attractive in my own skin.