Speed Of Light Thoughts

Our Love Has More Power

When your emails

Got replaced with college’s attempting to get in my league

You were my first home run

You got me in the sweet spot at the right time

Classroom peeking

Our love has more power over us than the authorities do

No police can keep us safe

No jailers will ever get a piece of our lonely hearts

Should I begin this over again?

I wouldn’t mind someone who was big and cozy

You are boney and nosey

Should I go through?

When you jokingly say

That sitting next to you in the cafe is my favorite part of the day

Should I continue?

Watching my future heart die

I'm not sure I'm ready to let it retry

Or should I stay open and ready,

For my knight in shining armor?

The one who will charm her

Should I start this all over?

Just for another taste of happiness that’s so sweet

Knowing the end will hurt more than it does now; Raw endings are not something I want to meet

I couldn’t be normal for you

It’s not allowed with me

But someday we will escape

And we shall be the idiots that we didn’t get to be

I'm not afraid to lose myself

I know you will always find me

Let’s add insult to injury to all the authorities of our life

They deserve it

A Meeting

There was no point in making me join my meeting

Because my thoughts were fleeting

Because I'm too fucking anxious to share my voice, please spare me from the madness

I couldn't even share a simple greeting You asked if I had any questions, comments, or if I have anything to say

And I do... but I guess anxiety doesn't want me to talk today

No, not even now

In this month of May The nurse isn't my cup of tea

And I feel that I am allowed no privacy,

This makes me very uncomfortable as a teenage girl and,

Details of my butthole are obviously my favorite topic for stranger to know about me The thing is, if I was dying,

If I was crying

I'd prefer to stay and sit in class rather than go anywhere else

I'm not lying She thinks I'm stable

And yet she's a mere stranger in my life and I probably still have proctitis on my table

I have so much on my plate it has overflowed

But I'll find a way to be able Having a bad stomach and anxiety make a perfect match that work

They are a dangerous loop that lurks,

In my background when I say that I'm okay

Yeah, I am a little jerk I'm still anxious and I don't sleep at night

Because my brain is playing back all the mistakes and times that I wasn't right

And how embarrassing it was, and how I will probably never live it down

And tomorrow will just be another blurred day of living in the fog of this mental, intestinal fight

My Stupid Castle

And it looks like

This could be the end

Of this perfect palace

This new life

Was so sweet

With beginners luck

The fairy godmother magic

Could only hold out for so long

A kite flying

Then getting pulled back down

By the person who is flying it

At least

I didn’t get stuck

In a tree

My stupid castle

Was not built by a genius

It was built

By this peasant

Who was not destined to be a ruler

I now see myself once again

As not worthy

And I was silly to think I was

Depression

Is trying to kiss me

And sneak into my system

Through my chapped, chewed, cracked lips

I thought that we weren’t dating anymore, just friends

I can only keep

My dreams alive for so long

Before I become too worn down to maintain them

Being whipped

By disappointment

I can feel

Failure

Making its poisonous way back into my blood

I don’t know how to

Make myself clean again,

By sterilizing my depression

With

Hope

Meeting Someone New

Long curvy roads

Cars with heavy loads

Together on the same day

All going different ways

Maybe ours will meet again

And if so when?

Are we done?

Can you give me the sun?

I want to take a road trip

I'll even get aboard a ship

I don't really know you

You're contagious like the flu

You don't think that I have a dark side

I'm ready for the butterflies

The motor of the car

I want to go far

Let me in

Can I see your scraped shin

Motorcycles go whizzing by

Will you reply?

How was your flight?

I'm starting to forget that night

Indiana, you came all the way

Just for a rock climbing day

I could tell that you too are numb

That's where I'm from

You think that I don't have it bad

But I have more scars than you will ever have

So many I've lost count

Much matter the amount?

I have way more than eight

Full is my plate

Friend you are new

And I don't know, how do you do?

Did I come in too strong?

How much longer?

A couple days? A week?

Let me in to take a little peek

I think you're cool

My head sings that I'm a fool

The car jerks to a stop

Out of the car I come out with a hop

In hopes to see you

But you're from Indiana so I should have known, that was the first time you flew

Suicide Of Talking

When it seems as if all I do is say the wrong words

It just seems like the world would be better off without my voice

A violent soft voice

A little voice meant to destroy

If only it could destroy

Social anxiety,

Selective mutism,

And the awkwardness

Created by me

In other words…it’s hopelessly my fault

My words have a tinge of blue

That slips under the radar

Because word suicide

Doesn’t happen all at once

It starts out as my mind nagging me

That I could have chosen better words

And then it escalates to my mind haunting me

Like a television

That turns on with the help of a ghost

The suicide happens

When I start to believe

That it hurts less

To say less

Instead of saying something I will regret

Yellow Lines

Staring into the yellow lines

Trying to go with the flow

I cannot bring myself to look up at the pines

Delirious depression in this mechanical car is a light load Sitting next to one of my discombobulating demons

Unable to run or fight it

Inside I am scream'n

This makes me want to fuck shit Staring at the two yellow lines, I think...

About last year when I climbed the walls

I should take leaps for the fun of the falls

Onto the sun warmed tar I desire to sink Thinking about two people who give me hope

That is for whatever is next to come

I feel the slope,

That leads into my own personal slum

Two lines, two women who are fierce

How far will I get with the uneven yellows?

Bright yellow does pierce

Stuck like a baby in the backseat type of mellow What to do when I turn the stone of 18?

My enemy has me trapped and constantly, greedily coming back

I have to hold the slack

What do I even know? One thing is for certain

I will keep moving forwards

Hopefully I'll stick with my words

I will go wherever the yellow snakes take me, in order to see the man behind the curtain

Bang Bang

My heart is made of gold

And it's oh so heavy it hurts

With every bang, bang Today

My broken is showing I don't think

I was supposed to be here It's like this isn't my life

I belong in a different one My life is at an advanced placement level

While my brain is at special education level

I'm too sensitive

And too weak They were right

About me after all Bang, Bang

Not all Poems Have Words

Poems are not always made out of words

Metaphors are not words

That’s why they are not called words but metaphors

Poems are those thoughts that have indescribable feelings

Try to descried anger, it’s like UGHHH!

You didn’t want revenge out of anger you wanted it because you feel,

UGHHH! Just try

I don’t have words

I willed them away

There was too many, then they all found their opposite oxymoron lovers and

cancelled out, I wish I…

My feelings are too deep for words

I’m that insane!

I bet you want to know that I'm…

I’m left with trying to explain colors to a blind person

This language is more limited than you’d like to think

I think this…

You say I have words

What if there never will be words for me to talk?

Even if there was, eventually they’d end up losing their meaning anyways;

What?!

If I can’t explain a simple thing like noise to a deaf person,

How am I supposed to say anything other than, I don’t know?

When I do hook a word the letters shift and spell something else

How?

Then there’re synonyms,

They are evil and don’t mean exactly what

Why do they…

Keep on taking words for what they are

Take them and trash them

I will take…

“Poems are all words”

Then you must not understand mine

So then?

Tree

Sometimes I feel like a tree

A tree with little wings that rustle in the wind

I have taken to hating bird brains

Being paralyzed with tension there's nothing I can do when they shit on me

Sometimes I like the rain

I like the washing

It also quenches my thirst

And keeps me sane

I love the cooler air

That sways me,

Unrhythmically

Blowing through my hair

People don’t like rain when it fills up their shoes

I don’t have feet

But I have plenty of rings

And no one I’d like to choose

I dream of flying away

To find a whole new world

My roots are too big

I feel like a tree by the end of the day

Sometimes I feel hurt because of love that is young

What is the point of them carving into me?

Yet their love dies long before I ever will

And on some days I miss where they once swung

On those days I shed a little sap

Hoping new things will stick to my bark

Like a new swing or a new summer fling

On those days I don’t mind the bird crap

Sometimes I flunk

And grow more knots

And become more twisted

On those days I think that I’d prefer to be trunk

Sometimes I feel that I'm not fair to my roots

As they hold me,

I try to strangle myself with them

More than ever, the wise owls give me disapproved hoots

Sometimes I feel like a tree

As the giving tree, I have found limits to my giving

I only give up and never give down

I feel like a tree, stuck to the ground but growing up with reality

Metal People

Why aren't the metal people melting in this heat

Why am I still out here? It's because I can smell sand and salt 

And the heat reminds me of summer

Although

I am questioning what in the world am I doing The birds chirping

The traffic

The anxiety It feels like a good day

For the beach and nothing else To get your feet burned in the sand

And the sharp feel of shark water But I'm here on an uncomfortable park bench

Made to look like a place to sit

Made to be uncomfortable So much for the brick and concrete, cars and calc I could have drove home and be arriving there now

But why would I want to be there Have I become one of the metal people

Just here watching the other people I guess not quite yet

Because I can feel the human slowly dripping from the pits