Observing

I Want to See You Again

The smell on your shirt, has left

I used to get high off it

If ever, it will be years until the next time I see you

I know you’re not who a lot of people think you are

When is the next time I can capture the bass clef?

Elegant painfully good songs

Not that I’m jealous

No luck

Neglecting my big dream

Knowing, if you work hard you can less wrongs

I’m going to try to up my game

Kangaroo it up

Knotted, and stuck tight

Knocking and banging on my dream's ragged, hard door

Cars so many, with people most of the same

Ought to be different and stand out

Right away I realized that I want it

Ringing in my ears the impact you made on me

Raging sea of bloodsweet, heartful music and people

Unfair richness, born with an endless money spout

Oh why?

Yelling and screaming for another chance

Yak club, I can’t afford the cost to see your face

For I will deny

Walking Away

I saw my love again,

But through a loop hole in the chain

That I was behind, letting my Novocaine down a street drain I’m invisible

If she saw me, it’d be worse

Walking miles away until the next curse Hopefully there will be a next time

I’ll go through it just for the sight of her

For what I wished we were Going fast out of pain

The shackles cut deep

As I don’t make a peep… Except for the dry leaves

Keeping my poise,

Through the leafing noise I left with the lonely winter leaves

Bare trees

Unbearable, white, snow-capped knees I saw her

Thankfully her loveliness didn’t spot me

With my weakened, shaking knees

Blue Jay

She comes up to me just because I was alone

Little did she know I had been texting my friend on my phone

She proceeded to ask me a simple question

While on the inside I died and didn’t let out a groan

I was so anxious I almost pissed

What she said I almost missed

She caught me off guard

As I almost failed to answer in my panic she tsked

Why do I get singled out?

I'm not the kind who will pout

I felt like running to guidance

Is it that clear that I don’t belong here?; I have to stop the self doubt

Please stop asking me if this is where I belong because I’ll fucking leave school if you want

My existence alone seems to cause you so much trouble, when all I'm doing is reading my font

I'm minding my business so you should mind yours

Then again you don’t seem to mind just like my uncle and aunt

I wanted to run

With her I'm am so done

She’s an intrusive judge of society

She reminds me of the days my face would feel as hot as the sun

I wanted to fly

But I was stuck under her painful stare and I sure did die

Her voice seemed to flow in a different language

If only I had the life of a newspaper and a house fly

I dreamed of running, running, flying like a blue jay

A little bird is trying to keep me happy without any delay

I feel horrible about being more of a bee

He deserves more of a girlfriend who is in class A

I'm all anxious and my life sucks

I'm trying to stop giving any fucks

I do love how he said something I have always been thinking about this place

You really don’t fall in love the same way twice; so I don’t know, shucks

It’s entirely my fault

That my life has been at a halt

You're going to have so much fun with my stubbornness and my awkwardness

I love how I can’t tell who’s the ocean and who’s the salt

Fight or Fight

I must fight

Anxiety wants me to flight

I have to go against my natural instincts

I cannot blink I wish I had an understudy for my life

You can't know about my thoughts of stripping bark

My brain as sharp as a pocket knife

You are not where I want you, get back in the dark Writing to win

Losing instead

Not wanting to gamble, so far not taking the free spin

I need to stop with the lead No more of this weak space

All my poetry I should erase

My nightmare of my Achilles's heel getting wounded came true

Is this new? I should have seen it coming

I am back to owning nothing

My body is numbing

No pillow for fluffing Broken trust

You use the excuse of caring

I won't hesitate anymore when I burn bridges to dust

I understand what I'm going to have to be bearing All of the decisions after another decision

I will make with the most precision

My fear,

Is that I won't manage to get off this revolving sphere

NCCC

Never

Certain

Correctness

Current

Now

Cognitive

Correlation

Censor

New

College

Care

Collection

Noticed

Color

Confuse

Create

Trip

Swat

Soot

Positive

Treacherous

Stretch

Strengthen

Progress

Running And Fighting

All the wrong words rhyme

This poetry thing is getting old

And it’s hard to break patterns

It’s hard to be constantly doing something that terrifies you

So here is a messy clump of words with no organization

Here’s me, and I'm not sure who I am without poetry

It might be starting to fade because I've worn it out

But I don’t want to stop

At least not yet

Poetry is the only way I am allowed to rebel

That is without suffering the consequences

Writing is my way of running and fighting

Running and fighting is all I know

Running and fighting is all human nature knows

A lack of life and sleep makes me want to quit,

Running and fighting

Should I try to make the right words rhyme,

Even if it makes me more tired?

I guess that’s what I’ll do,

To make it feel like I’m getting somewhere,

With my endless, restless, wandering…

Wandering…

           Wandering…

                       Wandering

Words

People say that words can’t hurt you

But words can make you dangerously blue

They say that sticks and stones hurt more

But they don’t get that words aren’t a bore

Words have a lot of meaning

Stop the brain cleaning

Why do you think I write poems?

Poems are my home

Sticks and stones may break your bones but they can’t ever hurt your soul

Unless you let them slip through a little hole

Words have a way of sneaking around everyone’s hearts and minds

Too bad you don’t have to pay a fine

Some words hurt like knifes

Don’t let it ruin your life

Words can leave marks,

Scars and painful friction sparks

Other words are kind

Some can blind

You can’t only say I love you to me

You have to not just prove it but make me see

I now don’t trust easily at all

People who I used to trust have made me fall

Not only did they do that they made sure that I heard their laughter

After

I can still hear them in my head

When everyone else is in bed

Sleeping

While I lock myself in my room weeping

Their laughter always growing louder

Why must I cower?

I wish I was strong like everyone else

I just want to be my old self

Everyone says I'm strong but really I'm not

They don’t know I cry a lot

They say I'm strong

But they're wrong

They all think I'm fine

They say that while all they do is shine

I'm just the cloudy, dirty, run down, rusty

Musty…

No one ever wants me

I'm the third wheel all the time, you see

You always tell me someone is worse off than me

Why can’t you just flee?

The laughter is so loud that it is part of the beat of my drum

What have I become?

Why do you enjoy making me feel worthless?

You are careless

The stress

Of always trying to be the best

You’ve made me a mess

I just want to be me

You never hear my pleas

Of just let me be me

I beg you please

Just turn it off

And step off

And you wonder why I don’t tell you anything or even speak at all

I just don’t want to bawl

Stop looking at me with that stupid judging look

I gratefully have unhooked

From you

We’re not stuck like glue

I've lost faith in the human mind

You can’t even be somewhat kind

Words make up the human world

Sometimes they can be bold, twisted and curled

Words hurt more than physical pain

You have a box of permanent letters in your brain

Of all the mean,

Things ever said to you, you're fat, you should be more lean

Some of the letters are signed with your name

Yes you are that lame

You really are your worst enemy

Slowly killing yourself…

How Things Change

How things change

In a place

Throughout time

I'm uneasy and need to pace

The picket fence

Lost a head

To a softball

The picket fence

Lost a bottom

To a chewing dog

The same picket fence

Has the gate wide open

But no worn grass

The picket fence

Bends and sags

Under weathered, weakness

The picket fence

Has a grapevine

But now it looks dead and sad

The snow,

Back in the day

Would be trampled down by two

The snow

Old as it happens to be

Is untouched

How things change

As they age

And yet

I'm still the same page

Strong?

I change daily

I'm not far from the brink

Closer than you may think

The word strong used on me, is laughable

I'm mad instead of joking gaily

I'm mad as hell

In a mess of my written words, I'm loud and mean and mad!

Then I become sad

Those two last line words are so vague

In this place I need to rebel

Oh, Ms. Hale

You can’t see it but I'm kicking and screaming!

I'm wonderstruck trying to stop myself from dreaming

I am scared of words; I'm scared to speak the name Voldemort!

I want to pay my own bail

Amy,

I believe you are temptingly wrong,

About me being superhumanly strong

That’s just not human and I'm just a little homo sapien,

Living in a big world, that can’t tame me

Just because of a worksheet, not your notepad

You think I have great strength on the inside

Yes I can be snide

Does that make sense?

I’m just saying, I'm stubbornly mad

Send It

I disappeared for awhile

So if you don’t recognize my name that’s why

Coming and going is sort of my style

(sigh)

If you can’t remember me you once called me deep

I’m basically your mini me, who refuses to go down without a fight

Aka internet creep (kidding)

Poetry is what I like to write

All this time I hope you didn’t have a strange hunch

I see another moon

Then there goes another month

I hope I’ll be able to put words on paper to you soon

You probably think that I fell off the face of the earth

I’m not done existing yet!

Two days we both hate but everyone else loves is the date of our birth

I hate pity so, over me don’t fret

I realize that even gut girl,

Doesn’t have real magic

And can’t save me from my world

I’m slowly breaking free of the chains that have had me trapped, full of rage I have had it

On my team

It’s just you and me

That’s not entirely true to this whole befuddling scheme

I’m not the only one with a forever scraped knee

Will I write back to you before I get old and grey?

For some reason I’m scared

Then before I know it there goes another day

Should I even care?

Writing I have forgotten how

Where is my “brave” voice?

Maybe you could understand this, Meow!

I’m starting to think that braveness is a crazy choice

I haven’t written to you in so long

Will writing to you be my fate?

Too good to be true, someday I bet you’ll be gone

I remind you of your younger self so at least you can strongly relate

For now I don’t think I’m brave enough

To reach you again

My feelings seem to be in cuffs

But even though I haven’t talked to you, I hope that we’re still good friends

You were my fog horn

While my strength was dwindled

Kept me from getting more torn

No more will I get swindled

You understand the weird problems with anxiety

And all of the faking

Sorry you saw me,

When I was breaking

I don’t like rooms with big unspoken elephants

After all there might be a goodish brain in my head

To win the war of hurtful words I must be more intelligent

Moons ago this is what should have been said!