16.02.2020

I HATE THAT MY WHOLE PERSONALITY IS JUST TO LOVE HIM.

I’m nobody. Nobody with pain and tears. It’s coming back. Everything’s slowly turning into a cycle again. Chest pain increasing with every tear that drops on my pillow. I’m so tired. It hurts so much. Knowledge that I won’t ever get back the same amount of love that I feel to somebody. I know it’s not theirs fault, it’s just me who doesn’t know how to be alive if every my action isn’t to please him.

I want to die, but I won’t because that would hurt him.

I’m in pain.

My ugly swollen face, dark bedroom and the only light is my phone screen while I write this shit.

Preacher in my head trying to make sense of all the pain this life have caused me and guessing if any of it was my fault.

Maybe it was, maybe it’s an important lesson I was supposed to get.

Maybe.

Maybe one day the childhood memories gonna come back and I’ll understand what I did so wrong that God’s only choice was to deeply traumatise me and let me suffer til I die.

Maybe.

Maybe I die without living a day without being terrorised by these nightmares.

Maybe.

But I’m scared I won’t stick around for long enough to learn how to not feel pain.

Maybe.

02.01.22 02:27

It hurts so much. I feel physical pain just knowing that it’s real now. That I did it. That I’ve hurt him. My biggest fear was hurting him. And I did it. And I hate myself for it. But everyone says that my pain is more important and I need to think about myself. But what if he is a part of me. I feel so empty. I know that I didn’t do it impulsively, but why does it feel like I did. Why.

I hope you get better and we’ll continue our journey. Without us hurting each other.

I’m starting to lose my only reasons to stay

I feel like I’m in a cage. Every time I try to be myself somebody shuts me down. I hope it ends soon.

My mom would have left me to die

I don’t feel like in a room full of other people you would ever pick me.

04.05.2018

Кто-то курит травку. Кто-то бухает. А я просто режусь и рыдаю.

Fresh out of mental hospital.

Couple hours ago I felt free, alive.

Now I feel stones drowning me.

My heart is heavier with every breath I take.

I feel broken.

10.05.2020

My life is a journey. It is a fuckin mess. What have I done in this fuckin disaster year?

Been in a mental hospital for like.... four times. 

Raped by brasilian man.

Tried to kill myself.

Celebrated my birthday overdoesing on MDMA.

Did drugs few times.

Broke up and found a boyfriend in a psych ward.

Moved back to parents house.

Ran away from a hospital.

Police were looking for me while mum cried and thought that I am dead.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?