Yes And Yes

Stop making me feel things. This wasn't very cash money of you.

Good day.

There is one particular ship dynamic that never fails to wreck me, and I’ll call it Soulmates, But Not Like That. Not in a “some higher power has decided that we are destined to be together” way, but something that is almost the opposite of that. It’s that character who has been alone for a long time, and has maybe convinced themselves that they will be alone forever, and who has a lot of barriers to intimacy with most of the people around them, for whatever the relevant narrative reasons are. And then they just happen to cross paths with this ONE FUCKING PERSON who works for them, through some very specific combination of personality and circumstance and life experience and mutually compatible damage. And there is always the shock of what are the fucking odds, and underneath everything the terror of what if this doesn’t last. what if there’s no one else. I would just go back to being alone. I don’t know if I could do that after knowing this. Because when you finally let down that wall of emotional self-sufficiency the thought of having to put it back up again is painful. And in real life I don’t at all believe that there is only One Designated Person for anyone, but in fiction I do tend to gravitate toward characters who believe themselves to be The Only One in some way, and I will always be emotionally compromised by that dawning sense of oh. You are like me.

It's not like I love you. I just keep fantasizing

       but our futurr life  together these past weeks.

You might not love me but you need me.   

      That has to be enough.

But what to do when

I am not even needed?

No.

I have to stop treating myself like a never-ending self improvement project and start treating myself like a healing, learning, and growing human with feelings.

Yes, self improvement is okay. You should always want better for yourself. But, there is no reason to always feel like something is wrong and always needs fixing. At some point, you must learn to give yourself some form of grace and acceptance.

XOXO,

Reina

Hiding my feelings then leaving you hints.

My greatest fear is growing old without you.

Another entry in Tumblr call-outs.

God I'm a sucker for characters who are so utterly loyal to someone that they're completely unhinged. Characters who have no moral compass except their overwhelming devotion to whoever they've chosen to listen to. That's the good shit

Your thoughts still plague me. I still miss you. Working and working out is not working like it used to.

i thought my laptop was on its last leg because it was running at six billion degrees and using 100% disk space at all times and then i turned off shadows and some other windows effects and it was immediately cured. i just did the same to my roommate's computer and its performance issues were also immediately cured. okay. i guess.

so i guess if you have creaky freezy windows 10/11 try searching "advanced system settings", go to performance settings, and uncheck "show shadows under windows" and anything else you don't want. hope that helps someone else.

Maybe it's festering. Maybe it's mending. Maybe it's Maybelline.

why does it burn