When The Loneliness Of Solitary Adulthood In Winter Feels Like A Physical, Scalding Pain

i love you people in my phone i know the seasonal depression is setting in so we need to hold eachother like a litter of kittens in a cardboard box okay...its important

(by xbacksteinx)

Ross Buswell • atmospherics

I am a mosaic of everyone I have ever known and loved and touched and I find fragments of them in my playlists and how I make my tea. we may not know each other any more but we will stay connected like this. I hope a fragment of me is with you too.

regarding the röttgen pietà, elle emerson

when you were younger, you were often told off for being too sensitive. as if you could control it. as if you, taking your own pain seriously, as if that was the problem. it didn't matter that you were being bullied - and it never mattered if the bully was your parent. it just mattered that you reacted to it.

the other day someone asked why you always seem to take things in stride. you don't know how to say - i don't, i am just not allowed to be a human where others could see it happen.

you watch other people have emotions in public and are often stunned by them. you are always walking carefully around your own, knowing that at some point you could slip and start weeping through your sunday evening apropos of nothing. you're not allowed to feel big things. when you feel big things, you're a messy, annoying person. it's ugly when you cry. it's uncomfortable for everyone.

the other day, you were relating another story to your therapist. you paused for a moment and then let out that little bark of laughter - it shouldn't have hurt, but i guess it did!

you promise that you're not upset about it. you're never upset about anything. you just pass through this world - ghostlike. numb. promising others - oh! i've changed a lot since i was a kid.

by Anatolych

via parallax.cult

Eldest Daughter Gothic

Your youngest sibling is in tears. You do not know why. Is it your fault? 

You are doing the dishes. You are always doing the dishes. You never finish. 

She loves you. She hates you. You’re her favorite. She only cares about your siblings. She never wanted to be a mother. She loves you.

You have a headache. Again. You are starting to forget what it feels like not to have a headache.

Everything is too much. You are going to shatter. But you cannot. 

If you give out, so will everything else

She is angry, ranting about something you said. You do not remember the last time you spoke. She is still angry.

Your younger sibling is ten years old. No, that can't be right. You are ten years old. They must still be an infant. But they’re graduating fifth grade now, and you realize that you are in high school. You did not notice the change.

She keeps yelling. You wonder if she is yelling at herself.

You’ve heard that 3am is meant to be unnerving. For you, it has only ever meant the comfort of being the last one left awake. Is there something wrong with you?

This is all you have ever known, so why does it feel so wrong?

by elisabethdaring