Latest Posts by tokidokioki - Page 4
i swear it’s so invalidating when you genuinely cant cut deep, then your left with hundreds of baby cuts and run out of space on your wrist or thigh.
the impulsive urge to hurt myself
The urge to become just a fucking horrible person. The urge to just destroy my own life and watch my own downfall. The urge to make everyone hate me and feel good while doing it. The urge to pretend I'm better then everyone when I know I'm the scum of the earth. I want to be so angry and mean, I want to scream at everyone, I want to make them feel how I feel when they do the same shit to me. But I'm so scared of losing everyone again. I can't stand being mean or hurtful because god damn it little me knows how revenge feels. They know what it feels like to switch the script and become the bully, they know what it feels like to watch others feel exactly what they felt. And they lost everyone. They lost everything. They wouldn't want me to do it again. But I'm so fed up, and I'm so bored of pretending I dont feel anger towards others. I'm tired of being pushed around again.
“The sun watches what I do. But the moon knows all my secrets.”
— Unknown
“I’m attracted to the extreme light and the extreme dark. I’m interested in the human condition and what makes people tick. I’m interested in the things people try to hide.”
— Johnny Depp
Zainab Aamir
i hate having to get better like bitch just let me die 😫
I may not be the prettiest or the smartest girl in the room, but I’m definitely the most mentally ill.
Me going about my day normally
My brain: Damn, you should kill yourself
my mom: you have to find different coping skills than cutting
me: so how about not eating
bpd: dont ask for help you will just bother them again ur already an inconvenience they dont care they just feel sorry for you
me: u right
Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena
• if I stay cold enough, I won’t want to get up and follow things around
• if I only use the same websites/watch the same shows/don’t answer unknown calls, I don’t get paranoid.
• if I don’t make friends, I won’t stay up all night wondering about what they’re plotting against me.
• if I stay inside, nobody will be watching me.
• if I don’t speak or think, no one can hear me.
I don’t know if this is relatable or not, but do you ever watch a tv show or read a book or engage with some type of media, then have a very very difficult time determining what is from the media and what is actually real. I’ll think I’m a character from the media, that my loved ones are characters from the media, that I’m in the place where the media takes place. I’ll have a difficult time telling if my dog just died or if that happened in the media, if I just won a competition or if that was the media. Anyone else? Just me?
el gato
me: *does a little twirl* *blows a kiss* *throws up a peace sign* *turns on my heel*
that was for you, babes ;)
the strangers watching me through my phone camera: …
the eyes in the walls: …
my sentient mirror reflection: …
lowkey stuck between wanting to recover and wanting to get worse
if i get better its a constant fight to stay clean and recover,, but its so much esasier to just sink further down and see how bad it can get because no matter how hard i try, i cant see myself alive by the end of this year and if i keep trying to get better its going to be harder to die and ill be alive and ill have to face everything life is and welp im a mess lol
ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY
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I want to destroy everything. I want to ruin my life, smash glass bottles agaisnt walls, run away into the night and get in trouble, scream and yell at the top of my lungs, get into fist fights, and stand up for myself. I want to be so so angry and loud about how awful I feel that everyone realizes that I was never okay, and I was never going to be okay, and that they left me behind to suffer. But I'm too tired. I'm too tired to move, to think. I just want to lay in bed all day and ignore the world. I just slap on a neutral face and do as I'm told. I wish I could be so angry about how sick I've become, but instead I keep quietly to myself, and live another miserable tired day.
I low-key wanna attempt suicide just so i can get admitted to a hospital and people can actually know that im not okay and care for me a bit, im just tired of pretending to be okay all the time.
“For as long as I could remember, I had been apologizing for existing, for trying to be who I was, to live the life I was meant to lead.”
— Meredith Russo
Falling: Rambling #21
21st April 2022, 21:52
Do you know what I would really love to do? It’s like an itch beneath my skin that I cannot scratch. I really want to climb to the top of a really high building, a skyscraper, and simply fall off. I want to soar through the sky. I want to feel my hair flapping around me. My clothes thrashing in the wind. I want to fall and fall and fall, but I never want to hit the ground. I don’t want it to end. Just falling, falling, falling. Falling as fast as a bullet. I would smile, and I would outreach my arm. My fingertips would stretch upward towards the sky. And I would be so content. A paradise. A haven that I am weightless. I am free from pain, free from gravity. I am simply free. Falling and falling. Existing in the nonexistent. The place that one who was not supposed to exist should be.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
Roleplay: Rambling #20
21st April 2022, 21:46
I think I know why I like roleplaying so much. It’s like I can escape into a different reality and become somebody entirely else. I can make friends and lovers. I can be in a fantasy world with powers and dragons. I can be the centre of attention. When I roleplay, I can switch of this prison of a world and forget all the horrible things that are happening to me. When I roleplay, I don’t feel so alone. I love the people I roleplay with, the ones that are genuinely good at writing, because they create these wonderful worlds and situations for me to be in. They give me an escape, and I’m forever grateful. I have roleplayed for many years and it has never gotten boring to me. I enjoy being loved. I enjoy being beautiful. I simply enjoy being.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)