Latest Posts by tokidokioki - Page 6

Sleep: Rambling #6

17th April 2022, 02:23

I never seem to sleep anymore, and when I do sleep, I wake up every hour. I have nightmare after nightmare - they’re usually about my sister. I also seem to hallucinate a lot around the time I’m supposed to sleep/wake up (that’s probably just because I’m sleep deprived, though I would like to not see tarantulas crawling up my wall for once). I’m taking 20mg of Amitriptyline, but it feels like I’m taking sugar pills. They’re supposed to help my Fibromyalgia and help me fall asleep, but I’m still in pain and I’m still wide awake. I wonder what it is like to get good quality sleep. I feel like I would be able to get so much done. I have so many ambitions and dreams, but I can barely get out of bed without collapsing. My body is giving up on me. My brain is giving up on me. Life is giving up on me. I don’t know what to try anymore. If anybody would like to knock me out with a baseball bat, please go ahead.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Genshin RP

This might be a long shot, but would anybody be the Bennett to my Razor?

I can write a lot, and I primarily use Discord. Any theme is acceptable. I would like to headcannon and get to know my partner, too. I can even text in character or play the game in character with you.

Like this post or send me a DM if interested!

(I am 18+, so preferably 16+)

"Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires."

- William Shakespeare // Macbeth

"I felt there was no point in telling anyone anything that was happening inside me."

-Christa Wolf, tr. by Jan Van Heurck, from "Cassandra:A Novel and Four Essays".

I don’t have a god complex. I am a god.

having a superiority god complex along with self-hatred is so funny like yes yes i hate myself with all my being and would literally love to vanish my unworthy existence but atleast y'all peasants ain't better than me lol

something mildly annoying about someone expressing emotions so much. be hollow.like me . wdym ur happy no ur not

pretending to be interested in anything but myself is exhausting.

how do you tell someone “i’m not ignoring you i’m just disconnected from reality right now and the days are all blurred together and i feel completely apathetic towards everyone/everything around me so it’s really hard for me to maintain a conversation” without saying that

Contradiction: Rambling #3

16th April 2022, 23:53

I am a walking contradiction. I am in constant battle with myself. Sometimes I’m a boy, sometimes I’m a girl. Sometimes I’m a top, sometimes I’m a bottom. Sometimes I’m attracted to boys, sometimes I’m attracted to girls. Sometimes I want to get better, sometimes I want to see how worse I can get. Sometimes I want to be a good person, sometimes I want to kill people. Sometimes I am empathetic, sometimes I am apathetic. Sometimes I feel like the smartest, most beautiful person alive, sometimes I feel nothing short of a disgusting failure. That’s why my username is tokidokioki (sometimes okay). These are just a few examples among many. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Am I two faced? Do I have multiple personalities? A split personality? It is because I am a gemini? I feel like I’m faux, like I am an imposter. I don’t feel like I have a real personality because I’m always switching and swapping between things. I just want to know who I am. Who am I? What am I?

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

Purple: Rambling #2

16th April 2022, 23:42

Well, I suppose I should start with one of my bad thoughts. There is this girl in my class who is the embodiment of a queen bee. I absolutely loathe her. Not only is she self-centred, she is patronising and slanderous. I am sick and tired of being slandered. I know I think of bad things, but I never enact them. She is a vile human being. Her personality makes me want to shoot staples through my eyeballs. Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She is so unbelievably narcissistic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly narcissistic myself, but I deserve to be. The way I see things is that because I have had so much wrongdoing to me, I am allowed to be egotistical. I tried to be a good person, I tried to be nice, and what did I get in return? I got kicked to the dirt. I am not dirt. I am better than every other human being. I will do anything to achieve my full potential even if it is to the detriment of others. This girl, however, is nothing but bacteria. In fact, that’s offensive to bacteria. This girl is a waste of space and that’s saying something because the universe is humongous. This girl wastes human resources. She wastes food, she wastes energy, she wastes water, she wastes the air that we breathe. There is nothing magnificent about her. She would be doing the world a favour if she died. I hope she does. I would love to watch it myself. I would love to wrap both my hands around her neck and watch the flame slowly burn out behind her eyes. I want to see the fear in those eyes with my reflection prominent across. I want her to gag, to choke, for her tears to congeal with the snot from her nose. I would sit on top of her and use the sole of my boots to keep her wrists pinned down. I would strangle her until her face turned purple. God, isn’t purple such a lovely colour? She should have known better than to mess with me. Too many people have messed with me. There is only so much more I can handle before I finally snap. It would be so wonderful to watch her die, to watch her feel the pain that she inflicted onto me. How dare she pain me? The audacity she has to even look in my direction! I am above her. She is nothing but a worm. Karma is coming.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

A New Beginning: Rambling #1

16th April 2022, 23:23

I don’t know why I have made this account. I mean, who even uses Tumblr anymore? Twitter is where everybody vents nowadays. I suppose that’s why it’s safer to vent on here; I doubt anybody will find me. Although, it’s not as though anybody is looking for me in the first place. It would be nice, I think, to be seen for once. It’s always the empathetic, pretty, upper middle-class girls that are noticed. What makes them so different to me? I don’t think I’m a bad person. I think of bad things, but I never say them outright. That’s what this account is for. This is where I can say my bad things, or the things I am truly feeling. I wonder how long I will continue this for. I’ve never been good at sticking at something for long.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)