I Can’t Wait To Live Alone-

I can’t wait to live alone-

I don’t hate you! I promise! There’s just… something missing

Privacy maybe?

Like when I poured my heart into the pages  of notebooks not meant for other’s eyes

but you looked anyway.

Or maybe because I feel guilty for every little thing I enjoy (I tried to tell you once about a show I liked, remember? It started an hour-long lecture about everything bad about the shows I liked) (and the books I liked, and the genres I liked, and-)

(I should have seen it coming, but I was so desperate to share something with you and not be pushed away…)

I can’t wait to live alone-

Not because I won’t miss you! I promise! There’s just… something missing

Freedom maybe?

Like when you got mad at me for putting a blanket over the entrance  to the alcove of my bed to let myself be alone

(You said if I wanted, I could have the room -that I shared with both of my sisters??- to myself, if I asked, instead of my bed -which was mine, mine, mine, or maybe…not mine??- because closing off my bed was unfair. I never did figure out why I couldn’t have my own space in what was supposed to be my own space.)

Or maybe all of the times I try to get together with a friend but you shut it down immediately or just never answer me

(I don’t try as often anymore… even though you always use me not hanging with friends as an excuse not to let my older sister hang with her friends.)

(I just already know what the answer will be.)

Or maybe, if it’s freedom that’s missing I should bring out the fact that I can’t watch a kids movie with a throwaway line about an LGBTQ+ character

But you have made me watch more than one R-rated movie that I wasn’t comfortable with (and also?? what about all of the shows with gay people that I’ve seen with YOU???)

I can’t wait to live alone-

And I don’t hate you, and it’s not because I won’t miss you.  I promise!!

I promise…

But I’m beginning to think that the only thing I can feel

Is bitter

and trapped

and lonely.

(I can’t wait to live alone- or maybe?

I just can’t wait to live without you.)