If Ur Not Borderline I Promise U That U Don’t Get It. Ppl Have Tried To Tell Me That They Understand

I’m rewatching Joy of Life because binge watching isn’t the best way to notice details, and I’m on ep40 at the part where Yan Bingyun and Fan Xian are arguing about the plan and I have two things:

1. I 💚💚 that Bingyun already believes in Fan Xian enough that he’s completely blasé about demanding that Fan Xian change his plan to kill Shen Zhong, to capturing him instead.  He’s just like “well you can just change it no big”.  And Fan Xian’s “do you think I’m a god???” is perfect lol

2. When Bingyun starts spiraling into “we should be ready to die for our country… the mission is more important than our lives”, I swear Fan Xian wants to burst out with “the emperor told me that if all else fails I have to come home alive”, but instead falls back on pretending to be selfish.  Because how is Fan Xian supposed tell that to Bingyun, who has been a prisoner undergoing torture for months, and only ended being imprisoned because Chen Pingping valued Fan Xian’s life more than his… And that, actually, even though Chen Pingping and the emperor said that they wanted Bingyun back, at baseline they still don’t care either way, as long as Fan Xian comes back.

No wonder Fan Xian would rather be misunderstood.  

Do you know what having bpd is?

Having bpd is crying because someone has given you a gift.

Not because the gift is too beautiful. But because they paid attention to your words. To what you said. They watched you and saw how you look at things.

Because they thought of you, saw you smiling with it, and got it for you.

Having bpd is calling them an idiot because they got you a gift.

Not because it is too expensive. But because you are so used to feeling so worthless that someone spending money on you just because you wanted something sounds so selfish and so wrong that you feel the need to fix it. You feel the need to apologize, to make up for a fucking gift, because you are not that much of a thing to be given gifts.

Having bpd is being stunned to silence because someone has given you a gift.

Not because it was a surprise. But because you never even expected someone to think of you. You never consdiered the possiblity of being on the receiving hand of a holiday. Never thought people would be grateful for your existance too, not when all you see in the mirror is a disgusting void.

Having bpd is not being able to thank your friend.

Because you don’t know how to thank people when they consdier you as a human being and consider your feelings and thoughts while buying you something just to see you smile.

I have bpd and I am crying over here just because I got a gift, because I still don’t think I was worth it.

We all laugh at the "Everyone is Jin Ling's Uncle" thing but can we actually talk about how the Yunmeng sibs and their various marriages/murders almost single handedly ruined the line of succession for like every sect. Jin Ling is technically the heir to two sects because Jiang Cheng refuses to get married, except that isn't really practical but who else? Wei Ying technically would be heir if he was re-acknowledged except OH WAIT he's marrying a fucking Lan, and his only kid is freaking Lan Sizhui who is, that's right you guessed it, technically in line to be leader of Gusu Lan because once again, Lan Xichen didn't have his own damn heir! And that's not even touching that he is A WEN! Which isn't public knowledge but can we talk about the fact Wei Wuxian fucked up so bad (or good??) his actions somehow led to a WEN being in line to be sect leader of GUSU LAN??? And maybe technically Yunmeng Jiang. And maybe the Wen sect if it ever somehow came back. So that's three. Best boy Lan Sizhui could pretty much lead any sect he wanted. And then there's the dumpster fire of the Nie clan line of succesion, which I think ends somewhere around Nie Mingjue's decapitated head. You can't really blame the Jiang trio for that but Nie Huaisang is definitely like two steps away from doing some weird shit like misusing that Lan Xichen was the sworn brother of the sect leader. Just throw them into the pot as well so he doesn't have to deal with it. Absolutely obsessed with the fact one of the main plot tools of period pieces has just been ripped to smithereens because almost all the dudes refuse to fuck any women.

I've never met someone who disliked me for the right reasons. Only I know why you should dislike me and you're wrong

(insp)

a child with an undiagnosed mental illness: I think I need help. I struggle with things nobody else seems to be struggling with.

a parent who never got diagnosed for the exact same mental illness: Oh sweetie. EVERYONE struggles with that :)

me: *talking about how wei wuxian should have just accepted help and not do everything on his own and maybe accepted that some people really did care for him*

also me: *will spend weeks not talking to anyone if going through a depressive episode and isolate myself to not burden others*

All I could think of during Lan Zhan’s entry was Crazy in Love by Beyoncé so here you go

*wakes up in the middle of the night* that one time that wei wuxian shot 5 arrows into targets simultaneously while blindfolded he was not in fact doing it to show off (ok maybe a little) but to ensure he did something so outrageous that nobody would be able to top and thus the prisoners set in front of the targets would no longer be at risk of getting hurt. goddammit. absolutely flawless. what an icon

finally pushed away everyone in my life now i can go back to isolation