Somewhere, There's A Party

evening sky, paint exercise.

Quiet BPD is like...

.. having a deadly allergic reaction to the entire human race. Everyone you attempt to have some sort of interpersonal relationship with, casual friendship all the way up to romantic partners and everything in-between, will either intentionally or unintentionally trigger big giant feelings that make you wanna die.

(insp)

edit

++Bonus

concept: two indian high school girls fall in love, desi dark academia style. imagine them carefully braiding each other’s hair in the school restroom while discussing mughal history. sneaking an old ipod to school and listening to sufi and carnatic music together on the weary bus ride back home. doing everything together, they’re as inseparable as two girl best friends can get. going to book stores or libraries on weekends and spending hours reading sitting next to each other, and then having an intense discussion over chai and vada pav at a small stand. coming back from coaching classes in the evenings, holding hands as their jhumkas twinkle under the streetlights. texting each other at 5 in the morning while stuck on homework. holding hands, hugging ten times a day and cheek kisses are normal, and they never realize their feelings for each other until an accidental forehead touch in a doorway, glancing at each other’s lips and breathing heavily. not choosing to date for fear of ruining their academic careers and remaining best friends. finally getting together when by a stroke of good luck, they both make it to their common dream college and have a celebratory kiss when one goes to the others house to break the good news in person. just, two desi girls falling in love; enamored by the world around them, its knowledge and each other.

im pretty sure i cried reading this

I have… thoughts about wangxian, and specifically about the moment when they part ways at Qiongqi Path, with Wei Wuxian leading the Wen remnants and Lan Wangji declining to stop them.

I’ve seen a few people fluent in chinese do very thoughtful breakdowns of the exact nuances of the things Wei Wuxian says to Lan Wangji at that moment, but I’m going to link to and quote hunxi-guilai’s post, because tumblr’s search function is broken and this was the only one of the several I was able to dig up ;u;

蓝湛 / Lan Zhan

如果我和他们之间必有一战 / if there must be a fight between me and them

那我宁愿和你 决一生死。/ then I would rather fight to the death with you.

要死，/ If I must die,

也至少死在你含光君的手上. / then at least I would die by you, Hanguang-jun, at your hands

不冤了。/ I would not be wronged.

And specifically, I made a connection between Wei Wuxian’s attitude here and his perspective on life after his resurrection.

Because this is a low point. This is Wei Wuxian explicitly handing his trust over to Lan Wangji, saying that if Lan Zhan decides he’s gone too far, that he’s crossed an unforgiveable line, and that he needs to be put down, then Wei Wuxian accepts that judgment. Wei Wuxian is taking a stand and doing what he thinks is right, knowing that lots of people will probably fight him over it, but if Lan Zhan decides that he’s this far in the wrong and takes him out, he won’t argue, he won’t feel wronged, he’ll accept it.

So that’s good! That’s painful. This scene aches in all kinds of ways. 

But what I want to talk about is a different angle on Wei Wuxian’s self-judgment. Namely, whether or not he’s worthy of love.

He has… some issues with that. Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian told him to protect his siblings no matter what, which he did, at horrible expense to himself. And then he kept the knowledge of what he’d sacrificed from them, because telling them what he’d done would have only hurt them more, and might have distracted them, making them think that they needed to spend (waste) their energy protecting him when he was the one who needed to protect them.

Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli are the most obvious examples of this, but there are moments like this with Wen Qing, when she has to physically knock him out before she and the other Wens can go sacrifice themselves to protect him, or later on with Wen Ning, where he speaks up on Wei Wuxian’s behalf to Jiang Cheng, knowing that Wei Wuxian would have never wanted him to tell Jiang Cheng these things, and that he would have been upset to know it happened.

And there are littler, smaller moments too, like in the Xuanwu’s cave, where Wei Wuxian has a giant fresh chest burn, but still tries to give all the limited medicine they have to Lan Wangji, or when Jin Ling gets a curse mark on his leg, and Wei Wuxian knocks him out so he can transfer it to himself without ever letting Jin Ling know that he was doing that for him. And then when he’s reunited with Lan Wangji, he tries to act like nothing is even wrong, nothing to worry about here, Lan Zhan!

I came to this book for the romance, but something I wasn’t expecting to be so compelled by was Wei Wuxian gradually becoming more at ease with the way Lan Wangji wants to care for him and protect him. I do think it’s a delicate balance, because Wei Wuxian isn’t incapable, even after losing his golden core, and there’s a subtle but important distinction between Wei Wuxian being willing to cheerfully impose on Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian not wanting to be a burden. Wei Wuxian has never been good at letting people take care of him, unless he’s being Baby with Jiang Yanli, and even then, he was pretty much only good at letting her know he needed to be cared for in very undemanding, roundabout ways. ‘I’m hungry.’

I’ve seen other people notice that he breaks out that same 'I’m hungry’ tactic with Lan Wangji, eventually, when they’re leaving Yunmeng. He doesn’t expect Lan Wangji to recognize what it means, and is moved when Lan Wangji reaches down to pick a lotus pod for him. And it comes out in other ways too, if somewhat indirect, deflect-y ways, like ‘please protect this weak, helpless man’ said with a grin, so Lan Wangji stops inching closer to figuring out the golden core thing.

But especially with that Qiongqi Path exchange translated up above, I feel like there’s an element here where Wei Wuxian is gradually starting to defer to Lan Wangji’s judgment about Wei Wuxian, regardless of Wei Wuxian’s feelings about himself. And as little as Lan Wangji says out loud, it’s pretty clear that he is firmly of the opinion that Wei Ying needs to be loved, protected, and cherished, and Wei Wuxian is gradually learning to accept that.

and maybe i am a little bit in love with all of my friends. how could i not be when they place their whole heart in my hands and trust me to carry it safely home? lazy days spent in comfortable silence, tearful nights spent giving each other a reason to live. the exhilaration of learning your little quirks melting into a future where i know you better than the lines on my open palms. mutual understanding to be forever gentle with one another. inside jokes that follow me long after you've gone, reminding me to slow down and laugh a little more. your eyes are the lens through which i can see the world with love. your embrace is the shelter under which i find strength to continue on.

#wangxian: tu muskura <3

( it's one of my favourite songs ever and wangxian just fit it perfectly also yes that's my twitter acc in the watermark )

it’s a well known fact that lesbians love hanguang jun. i think they would follow him around between lectures. at first he’s confused about this group of girls following him around until he realises they’re all wlw that just admire him and he takes them under his wing

Commission info | Patreon | Ko-fi