The Missing Journal 3 Pages In TBOB Are So Interesting To Me In Further Contextualizing Ford's Mindset

The missing Journal 3 pages in TBOB are so interesting to me in further contextualizing Ford's mindset of shame regarding Bill. We'd gotten a snippet of it in the original J3 release:

Journal 3 excerpt: "Our family is in danger, and I have to do something about it. I have been hesitant, however, to talk to the rest of the Pines about Bill (even Dipper, who I've grown to trust). I'd like to believe that this is out of a desire to protect them, but if I'm honest with myself, it's because I'm ashamed..."

Journal 3 excerpt: "What would they think of me if they knew that it was my folly, my hubris, that conjured Bill in the first place? That he tricked me into creating the portal, and that the rift is a direct, physical reminder of the terrible deal I made so many years ago? Would Dipper still look up to me or would he just consider me a fool?"

But Bill shows us the less pragmatic motivations behind his actions, the mushy feely stuff he was too embarrassed to properly journal, putting certain series events into new context. Particularly this scene where after a whole episode of dancing around it, he finally opens up to Dipper about the nature of their relationship:

The Missing Journal 3 Pages In TBOB Are So Interesting To Me In Further Contextualizing Ford's Mindset

"Bill wasn't always my enemy, Dipper. I used to think he was my friend, long long ago..."

But does he really tell the full truth here? The cat's out of the bag, Dipper knows they had a deal, there's no reason not to tell everything. But Ford proceeds to explain his reasoning for summoning Bill as a purely practical, scientifically-driven one.

"I had hit a roadblock on my investigation of Gravity Falls. Until I found some mysterious writing in a cave. Ancient incantations about a being with answers. It warned me not to read them, but I was desperate."

Desperate...for what? Ford would have us believe it was for the sake of knowledge. Yet TBOB shows us that this is the entry immediately preceding his and Bill's first meeting.

The Book of Bill Excerpt, lost Journal 3 pages. Page title header "Lost in the Woods".

"July 3rd-Another day, another failed social interaction. When my waitress told me the apple pie was made "from scratch," I replied, "Incredible! I must meet the chef who created the atoms!" She made a face like she had tasted bleach and ended her shift carly. As enamored as I am with this town's marvels, I must confess I have never felt lonelier. The lumberjacks crack jokes at my expense when I try to photograph the Hide Behind, the trick-or-treaters avoid my door on Summerween. (I have so many exciting high-fiber supplements to give out!) A trucker literally shot my chessboard with a shotgun because he said that "tiny horses are the devil's work." Even the local bird watchers banned me after I accidentally set a hawk on fire. (I mistook it for a phoenix! Honest mistake!) Is my strange way of seeing the universe a gift or a curse? Is loneliness just the cost of greatness? And if it is.. how long am I fated to endure?"

Ford isn't some unfeeling robot powered solely by knowledge, he has human needs. He was lonely, lonely enough to summon a demon for companionship. A companionship so intimate, he describes his meeting Bill as the best day of his life, and laments the periods of absence from him.

The Book of Bill Excerpt, lost Journal 3 pages. Page header title "CIPHER SPEAKS".

"Today was THE GREATEST. DAY. OF MY LIFE. I keep pacing back and forth trying to make sense of it. I know it sounds crazy, but I've made first contact with an extradimensional deity of knowledge...in a top hat. I must consider my actions carefully. I have accidentally stumbled into history. An excerpt of our conversation..."

The Book of Bill excerpt, lost Journal 3 pages.
"But then he'll disappear for weeks, months at a time, and I am left to wonder. Has it all been in my head? And if it has...would that be enough?"

That desire for intimacy is ultimately what drove him, and even with all his dirty laundry laid out he can't admit that part to Dipper. Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself, at least not until the post-Weirdmaggedon sections of TBOB:

Excerpt from The Book of Bill.
"Chances are, you're at some desperate low point in life. Perhaps you've lost something dear to you, or you're in the threes of some all-consuming monomaniacal ambition. Or perhaps you just are attracted to things that hurt you."

Excerpt from The Book of Bill.

"I emerged from my lab after days of agonied contemplation to find to my my shock that Mabel was reading the book, out loud, to Stanley, Dipper, Soos, and Wendy! I tried to explain the terrible danger that they were in, when I realized: None of them were possessed. None of them were harmed. And they had tears in their eyes... from laughing at his attempts to deceive them!

It hit me all at once. The real reason I had kept the book secret. I thought I was protecting my family, but I was really protecting myself... from humiliation.

Shame is a powerful emotion. But it grows in the dark. The more I've tried to hide my past with Bill, the more hold it's had over me!"

Under the shame of unleashing Bill Cipher's destruction on the world, there's a much deeper shame: that Stanford Pines is not a lone-wolf, unfeeling sci-fi hero, but a fallible human being, capable of illogical sentimentality and longing for approval and (in)human connection. The exact nature of this sentimentality and longing is left to interpretation, but the efforts he goes to to conceal it make me lean towards something beyond platonic. Alex Hirsch seems to agree:

"I think he is deeply, deeply hiding from his real feelings about things, because at some point early on, he decided that he could run from hurt by achievement and by creation, and has dug that hole so deep that he has no relationships. He doesn't have friendships, he doesn't have romantic relationships, he is someone trapped in a tower of his own mind and estranged. Ford shows none of that. He has sublimated himself romantically so, so deeply. (…) I really thought of Ford kind of like Tesla in that realm.”

TL;DR Ford is up in his feelings about Bill and repressing hard. This is also eerily reminiscent of the self-blame abuse survivors engage in, the hesitance to tell others, and shame over persisting feelings for their abuser.

More Posts from Vagabondicus and Others

vagabondicus

10 months ago

I Recently Caught Back Up On Betsy Lee's No Evil And Remembered I Had A Buncha Corns I Never Posted From

I recently caught back up on Betsy Lee's No Evil and remembered I had a buncha Corns I never posted from 2020! I went through a whole-ass sculpting phase that never made it to tumblr, lol

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vagabondicus

6 months ago

new no evil

new character -

he's always depicted putting his hands in water. not *always*, but consistently. the hands do have a big of a mechanical vibe to them, makes me curious why he keeps putting his hands in if he's prone to rusting.

he mentions the "violet wing" being his favorite, and we see he has depictions of the four tezcatlipocas. black tez is not able to cross water, which this building seems to be absolutely full of.

the mercy bow depicts something that resembles a tornado. we saw corn summon one when he was at blackwell asylum

one of these depicts breaking glass. corn dislikes glass and reflective surfaces

this building is also FULL of reflective surfaces. even the food served is reflective.

not sure what the rest of the story is. lion and deer were fueding ? deer was killed and put back together. they both used the spike to fight... they look spiderlike, so the black ick as spiders?

the deer is attacked by a feline and a rabbit

and then they merge, spike goes away? i forget how they came across the spike but oh boy the lore is loreing

WAIT I REWATCHED IT AND THEY GOT IT FROM WRIP AND VINKLE'S CELLAR??? WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO

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vagabondicus

9 months ago

Ford saying that he used to view Bill as "the center of my life, the sun in my galaxy" is actually so funny once you remember that he is talking about the guy that couldn't figure out how to tie his shoes AT LEAST until he was 16 and then made his life's ambition drinking cosmic martini and driving whatever the hell this is

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vagabondicus

11 months ago

Eww Herbert stop reanimating all over the place!

EVERY. DAMN. PASSCODE. FOR THISISNOTAWEBSITEDOTCOM.COM:

Will update when i find more!! (updates VERY frequently)

everything in bold+italics needs to be spammed for the full effect

Dipper Mabel Wendy Soos Bill Cipher Bill cipher Pacifica Gravity Falls Robbie Gideon Stanley Stan Stanford Ford Sixer Mcgucket Hectoring Pinata Rat Divorce Breakup Weird Alex Hirsch Matpat Giffany Pines Sorry Skeleton Math Mystery shack Mystery Lies Tad strange Book of bill God One eyed king Blanchin Boyfriend Curse Wittebane Euclid Euclydia Peak Platinum Paz Fuck Shit Glass Shard Beach Theory Cray cray Ad Astra Per Aspera Im still on your mind Vallis Cineris Help me Theraprism Triangle Weirdmageddon Blind eye Dorito Deer teeth Baby bill Baby LALALALALA Journal 1 Journal 2 Journal 3 Blendin History Filbrick Love FBI Waddles Reality Universe Portal T J Eckleburg Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Cursed Scary Abuelita Gun Disney Mickey Mouse Caryn Cryptogram codex Ducktective Toby Determined Irregular Booberry Horror Creepypasta Seven eyes Yes Trigonometry Torture mentally Xyler Craz Tantrum Justblendin Black sheep Baaaa Monster Titans blood Life Death Skibidi Fortnite Gyatt Who are you Fixinit1 R34lity Love ya bro Conspiracy Dippy Fresh Disco girl Liar Lyre Harold's Ramblings Union Made 29121239168518 Grebley hemberdreck 3466554 Tinsel snake XGQRTHX 333 sundapple lane cozy creek IL 60714-94611 naitsuaf mountain don't axolotl morality well well well being Burnside Creepypasta Family matters Forget the past Nothing Something Hey nerd Even his lies are lies Riddle No LLIB When will I die Elon Clone Multilevel mark Goodnight Sally Paper jam Tyrone Fordtramarine Tourist trap Mason The duchess approves shape Scalene Scientology Meow Shave Your Grandma Nacho Rizz Crypto Sevral times Easter Egg Oh yes they both Oroborous Suck it Merlin Just fit in Daddy Mommy Burned Inside Kings of new jersey Destruction is a form of creation They'll see They'll all see I see Unreality Rubberhose You can't kill an idea Card Scrimbles Am i blanchin Fuck Alex Fuck you Alex Fuck you (im not cursing out alex i prommy, these are deadass codes) Hotxolotl Bye gold Ciphertology NSA Globnar Disneyland Rehpic Kook Kubrick Not a phase Paper is book skin Virus Spookemups That's just a You're insane Owl trowel L is real 2401 NFT Question Answer Occurremus iterum Frilliam Butternubbins Dispense My Treat Dionarap Stod eht tcennoc

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