I Think About Him Sometimes

it is 2027, and you are having a conversation on discord. suddenly, everything gets far too quiet. the ground around you almost seems to shake somehow, and the lights in your room dim. "oh god," someone says, "a nitro user is typing". at that point, it begins. lights start to dance around your screen, flashing and strobing every which way, becoming increasingly brighter and more colorful over the course of the next few seconds. blaring, triumphant fanfare plays, more blaring and more triumphant than you thought your headphones able to handle. you try to peel them away, but some mysterious force keeps them attached to your head. suddenly, lasers appear -- not on your screen, but somehow coming out of your monitor itself ! they dance around wildly as the fanfare begins to morph into edm. you think you hear a crowd cheer outside of your window. fog begins to pool around you, as if coming from an invisible smoke machine. you begin to panic, you wonder what the fuck is going on, but you cannot keep your eyes away from the screen. a deep voice begins to sound from all around you. "ARE YOU READY," it says, "FOR A MESSAGE..." and with another pause for effect, it finishes, "FROM WEEDBRONY42 !!" and the crowd goes fucking insane. the beat drops and a surge of pleasure emanates through your body -- you feel violated somehow. and as the fog and lights gradually clear, the music reaches a climax, and the curtains are dramatically drawn, your eyes are finally allowed to focus on a message telling you to kill yourself for your opinions on undertale.

foreman. babe. we’re at the bottom end of season 8. you have worked here for almost a decade. why are you still surprised there's medical malpractice going on at the medical malpractice department that you, personally, used to do medical malpractice at

desperately trying to crane my neck around 180° but i can't get there. she's laughing at me i'm so embarrassed...

sometimes when a youtuber runs out of ideas they'll do some shit like "I Got Tricked By My Friends Into Going Skydiving And It Was Crazy!!!!!" and like

isn't the point of skydiving getting to know a cute instructor and then getting harnessed to her chest and pushed out of the airplane together and noticing that she seems to really enjoy watching you flail around and panic, and then when she finally decides to activate the parachute you spend a few tender moments floating to the ground as she caresses you and tells you that you're so brave and adorable for her?

i feel like nobody understands these things like i do. mr beast should hire me.

Little Alice and her little Alice

i am slightly worse than a japanese middle schooler at understanding japanese, but slightly better than them at hand-to-hand combat and perception checks.

I remember when I first found out the truth about “Somali pirates” I got chills because of how horrific the truth was and how insanely creepily well the media had twisted the situation. Every single fucking article making it seem like these “pirates” were just after money or something holding innocent people hostage and I never gave it a second thought, why would I? There was no indication that people were trying to legitimately fight off disgusting imperialism that left nuclear waste in their waters, that over 300 people have died from radiation sickness, that Europeans have been stealing Somalia’s seafood because they overfished their own waters and the indigenous fisherman are starving and so these “pirates” emerged to deal with those stealing their country’s natural resources. The truth is enough to make anyone sick to their stomachs.

ngl for lot of my life i thought parents sitting their kids down and telling them how babies are made was just a thing they made up for comedies on tv so now im curious how common it actually is.

Honestly I’d be more inclined to play Stardew Valley if it was about a depressed cop trying to solve a murder whilst navigating the politics of a mass strike and the fallout of counter revolution

(sagely) they’re called broad shoulders because broads have em