Things No One Tells You About When You’ve Been Mentally Ill For Years And It Won’t Get Better

“It is easy to love people in memory; the hard thing is to love them when they are there in front of you.”

— John Updike, My Father’s Tears and Other Stories

Jo & Laurie

~ Little Women by Greta Gerwig

(with coloured pencils!)

thinking about this scene again since watching Barbie

Hello I don't know were to request and I'm hoping it's here.

But I was wondering if you can do a request about Joseph quinn and you and him both went to comic con also with Jamie grace and Finn .the reader is taking photos with lots of people and Joe like get jealous cause like he see how other guys are starting at you and hugging you and everything and he feel jealous a little bit but the reader doesn't know that.so after that they have a panel with Jamie grace the reader and finn and Joe and one person asked Joe if he was in a relationship amd he said yes so people were like saying he was with grace or people are like shipping him with grace and everyone in the cast pretty much know that the reader and Joe are dating so Jamie Fina nd grace try to calm down everyone and for them to stop assuming he dating grace ,but the reader gets like sad and jealous about its and Joe can see but she sitting next to Jamie so jamie being jamie Comforts The Reader .so when there done for the day they go back to the hotel and they talk about there feeling towards everything that happened and they tell the whole world that there together(⚠️possible ends with a smut) if not that is totally fine thank you!

Sorry if this doesn't really make sence lol !

i feel like you snuck into my bedtime fake scenarios and stole this right from my mind lol i hope it's okay that i changed a few things like making joe jealous of ex cast mates instead of regular guys, i just feel like he's way too reasonable to feel that way about fans. also, i'm really sorry that i didn't end it with smut, i tried to but it just didn't feel.. right for the plot and i don't like throwing sex in when it doesn't want to happen but i could do a part 2 if you'd like!

warnings: established relationship, jealously, angst, hurt/comfort.

feedback & criticism are highly appreciated <3

~

relationships aren't easy.

you knew that, you've always known that. you witnessed your family and friends go through endless fights, fallouts, breakups, divorces etc. hell, even you have been through a lot of messy stuff during your previous relationships.

your exes being intolerant to your job, disrespectful towards what you do, getting jealous over the smallest things when you have told them time and time again that it was all just acting.

but that was all in the past, or so you've thought, because your current boyfriend gets it. he must. he's an actor just like you. you've met him on a set while working and before you know it, a scene wasn't the only thing you were sharing.

it all happened so naturally, effortlessly. you two just understood each other. you connected right away unlike others in your past, you didn't have to force it or feel like you're playing a script-less role. he entered your world and he fit right in like there has always been a spot dedicated for him.

it was so easy, way too easy. but just like the golden daylight on a cozy beach day, the comfort has to come to an end at some point once the sun sets and the darkness of the night sky takes over.

your relationship hasn't been the same for a while now, since the new season of stranger things dropped specifically. usually it's either you doing press while joseph accompanies you or vice versa, giving you both time to be together, you'd watch him do interviews or he'd be behind the scenes while you do photoshoots. etc.

this was different. at first you thought it would be better, a blessing since you'll be together a lot more. it was anything but that. he was constantly busy with interviews and comic cons and so were you, the problem being you hardly ever had time for one another.

everyday one of you would get back to your hotel room with only enough energy to shower, kiss goodnight and fall asleep. since you weren't sleeping at the same time, you barely even cuddled. a small hug was the most you've received from him for days and him from you.

the worst part is, you didn't even have the time to worry about this newly developed distance straining your relationship. you noticed it but you were far too busy to investigate it or to bring up your concerns to joe who wasn't blind to what's happening. he's observed it from afar as well.

both of you silently watching the iceberg melt, hoping it won't take you down with it.

~

for the first time in what feels like forever, your schedules were aligned. you had a comic con together. it was only for a panel sure but you had lunch breaks together so that counts for something.

except that it didn't because even though you promised him to spend your breaks together, you got swept up in something else. turns out your former cast mates from a different series were there too and you got engulfed by catching up with old friends to tend to your boyfriend who spent the entire break sitting on the other side of the table, nibbling at his food, watching you interact, laugh and hug your old friends. doing the latter a little too closely and a little too much.

joseph wasn't the jealous type, or so he liked to believe. he was more than okay watching you with your fans, he knows how much they mean to you and how happy you're making them, how you're making their days by doing simple things like listening to them, holding their hands or embracing them. he loved it even, you were in your element and he was happy for you. but this was different. those weren't fans with nothing but pure admiration and support for you, they were guys you've kissed before on and off screen, they were guys who let their hands linger a little too long on your body when they hug you, they'd hold you by your waist and their fingers would dig into you lower back, their eyes would 'accidentally' wander to your chest whenever you'd pick up something from the table. they'd stare at your lips with their own hanging wide open.

he noticed you laughing louder than usual. he noticed you tucking your hair behind your ear. he noticed how your cheeks flushed when they complimented how good you look. he noticed the way you melted in your chair when one of them draped their arm around it, around you.

a part of him was fuming with these guys and how they're throwing themselves at you but then again, he can't really blame them. you're beautiful, you're attractive, you're mesmerizing and for all they know, you're single. the whole time he hoped you'd speak up, you'd point at him and introduce him to them as your boyfriend but he knew that was wishful thinking, you wouldn't do that and he was right, you didn't.

so he couldn't do anything but sit there, watch and feel the flames of jealousy slowly burning him from within while you're completely oblivious to the mess you're making.

~

once that torturous lunch break was over, you and joseph had a panel together with finn and surprise guests grace and jamie. joe was sitting closest to the interviewer with grace right next to him, finn and jamie beside her and you were on the other end of the panel. this is how you and him would usually sit during public appearances to avoid drawing any suspicion or attention to your relationship so just like all the times before, you were okay with it at first because the panel was fun until it wasn't.

they added a new segment to the panel where the fans sitting in the crowd could ask questions. it wasn't a part of your written schedule but you didn't worry about it that much since for most part the fans have all been respectful and know not to cross any lines or boundaries. plus, you were all professional actors so it's not like you wouldn't know how to handle a reckless, out of pocket question every now and then.

most of the questions were either about the show and the upcoming final season or about your time filming the previous one. it wasn't until the interviewer picked out a random person in the crowd for the next one and they said their question is directed for joe specifically. they've asked him if he was dating anybody. a question you and him have learned to dodge like bullet.

except this time he didn't dodge it. he actually gave a corroborating answer. a simple "yes" was enough to drive the crowded room wild with claps and screams.

another voice followed from the crowd asking if the person he was dating was grace, that voice seemed to trigger a whole punch of others because the cheering seemed nonstop that the interviewer, finn and grace herself had to intervene to calm the noise down.

this reaction wasn't something you hadn't expected. you've seen the show, you've seen the chemistry between eddie and chrissy, you've been online and you weren't new to the shipping stuff whether it was between characters or the real life actors.

for the most part, you didn't care about it. you were the one dating joe so why would you care what people would say from behind their screens?

but deep down it still hurt a little bit. it hurt because just like chrissy, your character had chemistry filled scenes with eddie and just like grace, you've been pictured with him outside of work so you couldn't help but think why would they think he's dating her and not me? was she prettier? was she kinder? was she more talented? more charismatic? more worthy of love?

you hated yourself for these thoughts especially since grace has grown to be one of your friends on set. you hated that the media vultures were constantly comparing you as people and as women and you hated how in some dark times, you fell for these comparisons too even if you'd never dare admit that out loud.

but right now, what hurts the most is the fact that joseph didn't even care about what he said while your friends and coworkers were going out of their way to pick up shambles that weren't theirs to begin with. obviously you didn't expect him to deny dating grace and green lighting that he's with you and you're glad that he didn't, you wanted to keep your relationship private in as many aspects as you could but the way he just sat there idly, the way he didn't even look at you burned a hole in your heart.

while you felt like collapsing on that stage, your face remained unbothered. again, you were a professional actress and you had perfect control over your facial expressions, you could easily manipulate your muscles into staying still not showing an ounce of emotion when you feel like falling apart inside.

but jamie knew better than to fall for your act no matter how convincing it was. you knew him the longest out of everyone and he was one of your closest friends, he could read you even if you were a backwards script written in russian. he turned to you, extending an arm to rub your back in a comforting manner and a warm knowing smile on his lips, it was his subtle way of saying it's okay, don't worry about it without actually saying it. you were grateful for his sweet gesture but it didn't soothe the maiming pain you felt then.

after the chaos died down, the panel continued smoothly. standard questions and little games, you didn't make any attempts to speak to joe and he completely disregarded your existence. all so casually.

~

the ride back to your hotel was quiet, tension rising with every breath either of you took until the air almost became suffocating. you counted the seconds until you got out of the car and finally was able to breathe.

you've managed to make it to your room without saying a word to him and you hoped you'd make it to bed the same way.

unlucky for you, joseph had other plans. locking the hotel door, he followed your steps into the room and stood by the doorframe. "can we talk?"

"i'm tired." you shut him down immediately, not in the mood to confront or be confronted. "and so am i but don't you think we need to talk?" you can feel his eyes burning in the back of your head so you turn to face him. "i don't know what we possibly need to talk about," you say nonchalantly but before you could stop yourself, you murmur "it's not like i'm your girlfriend or anything." regretting the words as soon as they left your mouth, you turn around headed to your suitcase.

"you're seriously pissed about the panel?" even though you can't see his face, you can picture it based on that sardonic tone alone. it feels bitterly offended and you can imagine his face is mirroring it. "yes joe, i'm pissed about the panel because what the fuck was that?" you keep your back turned to him, still digging through your suitcase for your towel and a change of clothes.

"what the fuck was what? they asked me a question and i answered." hearing his footsteps approaching you, you take your stuff and walk to the bed. you can't be close to him right now, not when you might explode at any minute. "it's not about what you answered it's about how you answered it."

"it was a yes no question, there's no 'how i answered it'" he says and stands on the other side of the bed, now aware that you want to keep a physical distance between the both of you and wanting to respect your boundaries.

"of course you'd say that." you snort out, your voice petty and tone a little condensing but you're not in the right state of mind to control it right now. you've been suppressing it all night, it was gonna come out at one point or another. "what's that supposed to mean?" he stares at you dumbfounded, clearly a little offended but keeping his composure at bay as best as he can.

"it means that you don't get it. you never will. do you have any thought how humiliating it was for me to sit there and watch hundreds of people cheer over the idea that you're dating someone else? and my friend nonetheless? while sitting among our coworkers? and you're just there and you didn't even look at me." tossing your clothes on the bed, you spit it all out in one breath. frustration taking over invading whatever's left of your rational thinking but you're not even remotely done yet. "of course you don't see how fucking embarrassing it was to have people give you looks of pity because your boyfriend wouldn't even shut down rumours about being with someone else when they know you've been together for over two years." you continue on with your rant, taking the clothes you threw earlier and folding them, doing anything to stay occupied so you wouldn't have to look at him. it's enough that you feel his eyes locked on your every move, your every word.

"it's like you were ashamed of me." you mutter out and sigh, taking a seat on the bed. you finally look at him. "the whole time you didn't even look at me it's like i wasn't there and now you come here and want to talk? oh please talk i'd love to hear what you have to say now that you remembered i exist." his arms are crossed over his chest and he's looking down at the white sheets. you rendered him speechless for a second before he speaks up. "i didn't forget."

"aww how considerate of you! where is your boyfriend of the year award?" you put your hand over your heart and give him the fakest smile you could muster. it's petty and dismissive but you couldn't help it.

you get off the bed and on your way to the bathroom his voice halts you. "you're such a hypocrite." turning around to face him to make sure your ears didn't deceive you. "excuse me?"

"i said you're a hypocrite." he repeats his words confirming what you thought you've heard. raising your eyebrows at him. "me?" you walk back to your side of the bed and set your clothes down. your turn to cross your arms and stare at him like he's saying utter nonsense.

"yes you. you're upset about how i was acting like you didn't exist when you've spent this entire trip going out with other people. i barely fucking saw you for four days. when we're at the expo you're hanging out with them and then you go out and don't get back to me until god knows when. you never even introduced me like you were the one ashamed of me." he says and runs his hand over his face, exasperation has taken over his features and he tries to wipe it off but it doesn't help.

"that's just stupid, i was catching up with friends! i haven't seen them in months" you're quick to defend yourself against his stated accusations, if you were thinking more logically right now you'd realize that he's right. you haven't been the best for him either but both of you have thrown logic out the window for the night it seems. "oh yeah? what sort of catching up requires you to throw yourself and practically cuddle them whenever you had a break?"

"i wasn't throwing myself and i would've cuddled you during my breaks if you weren't ignoring me the entire time." you fire back, circling to the first point and turning it back against him when he cornered you with the facts you didn't want to face. it was wrong but so is what he was doing.

"i wasn't ignoring you" he says and takes off his jacket, the air in the room suddenly getting too hot. "well, you weren't paying attention to me" you take his jacket from his hands and fold it, back to wanting to busy yourself in something.

"you were the only thing i was paying attention to the whole time! you don't know how many times jamie had to shake me down to reality or remind me that i had people waiting to see me." he turns his back to you and starts pacing around the side of the room he's standing on before going to the bed to retrieve his jacket from you, mutter a little "thank you." then he goes to put it inside his suitcase.

"you want to talk about humiliation? try sitting with your mates and they're all watching you watch your girlfriend flirt with every other man in the room an.." you cut him off before he could finish, finally connecting the dots in your head. "oh my god.. oh my god is that why you did it? you wanted.. you wanted payback? because you were jealous?" your voice is skeptical because you think there's noway that's why he did it, he wouldn't do something like that. he's far too reasonable to pull such a low move but then again, you never thought you could be so petty either but here you two are.

"i wasn't jealous." he says and even through the distance separating you, you can tell he doesn't believe what just left his mouth.

you watch him take out a towel and a new pair of boxers, signalling that he's going to ditch the room to take a shower at any minute now but you're not ready for this conversation to end so you don't let it. "no of course you weren't. why would you be? i'm not even your girlfriend." and just like that you've circled back to the beginning, regretting the words as soon as you heard them come out of you.

you see joseph sigh and watch his shoulders drop, clearly defeated and done with all this back and forth already. he walks up to you, getting closer than he has in days but still keeping a considerate distance in case you don't want him in your personal space yet. his eyes meet yours for what feels like the first time tonight and they're filled with regret as much as they're filled with hurt and indignation. "i know what i did was wrong alright? i know i should've spoken up when they started speculating things but you're not innocent here so stop acting like i'm the only one who fucked up." he says and disappears into the bathroom.

the sound of the water running coming from behind the slightly opened door in your hotel room is a painful background noise to the conversation you're replaying in your head over and over again. a cruel reminder that if you hadn't been so contemptuous or scathing you could be standing underneath the water with the man behind the door.

you know you're not entirely at fault but now you realize that neither is he. you're not a victim and he's not a villain because this is not a movie. this is not a role you were cherry picked to play the lead and he's not your supporting love interest who has to constantly be understanding and loving otherwise he's non-deserving of you.

this is real life. he is your partner and you can't have a paper perfect relationship because at the end of the day, both of you are only human. humans who make mistakes in the heat of the moment and have to live with the consequences. humans who have to forgive because otherwise what else is there to do? how else will they live? humans who are naive enough to believe that they can overcome any obstacle thrown their way if they have faith in each other and in their love.

after running your mind and finally being able to catch it, you decide that enough is enough so you get off the bed and walk into the bathroom, he left the door ajar so he's not opposed to you entering.

you meekly knock on the shower's fogged up glass door and once you got his attention, you ask. "can i join?" he opens it letting you know you're welcomed in and you start to strip down your clothes.

you get inside, closing the door behind you and you're immediately hit by the warmth of the water and the fact that this is the closest you've been to him in weeks.

you both remain soundless for a few minutes, just breathing and taking each other's presence in, adjusting to it before he's the first to break the silence. "you were right. i was jealous and i didn't know what to do with what i was feeling, it was new to me so i.. projected it onto you. it was wrong and i shouldn't have done it." he offers you his hands, not daring to go forward and take a hold yours. he waits for you to give them to him and once you do, he squeezes and brings them up to his lips, planting a soft kiss on each knuckle. "i'm sorry for being stupid and for getting jealous. i'd promise you that it won't happen again but i can't give you that guarantee so i'll only promise to keep my composure in check." you watch his eyes the whole time he's talking and they're pleading you with sincerity, he means every word and you can tell.

stepping closer, you let your head rest on his chest, an action that takes him by surprise a little bit but he gladly welcomes it, letting his arms drop and wrap around your figure securely. "i have been neglecting you for a while now and what i did back there was terrible, i was gaslighting you and being stubborn, refusing to listen and just being overall shitty. i'm sorry too." you can feel his heart racing under your head and yours is beating in sync with it. that's a feeling you haven't had in a while. it felt nice.

joseph doesn't say anything to your confession, he doesn't need to. the way he brought you in closer until you've almost became one and started to draw kisses on the top of your head told you everything you needed to hear. mostly it confirmed that you two were okay and that's all you needed to know.

you stay like that for a while, embracing each other in the safety of the warm water and the mist, taking deep breathes, letting your bodies and minds rest after an eventful few days. you think you could stay like this forever, tangled in his arms, tucked away in a tiny shower room where the world outside the foggy door doesn't exists. everything is calm here. everything is easy here.

"i'm proud of having you." joe interrupts your little daydream with his unexpected statement, you don't ask what he means because you know what he's referring to, your earlier outburst. you only look up at him and see him already staring down at you with concentrated ever so loving honyed eyes. "i'm proud of you." he repeats his words to make sure they're hammered in and you give his lips a little peck. "i'm proud of you too."

relationships aren't easy or simple, they never have been and they never will be but once you find the right person, all of the complications and obscurity that comes along will be worth it.

and you were lucky, you've found your person.

You have to go above and beyond for what you want take every risk possible till you get the results you need

"I can control my anger"

Also me:

And also me 5 minutes later:

Being a woman holds value. Know your worth and don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise, ladies. 💕✨

arranged marriage with Rafe Cameron

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◆ you've known you would marry him since you were children. your parents had made the deal and you couldn't do anything against it.

◆ but Rafe never tried to get to know you much. he wasn't really interested in you, and you not as much in him either.

◆ still you stuck up for each other when you needed to. like when your ex threatened to post your nudes, Rafe took care of it, bc he knew it would taint his image in the process if anything like that was to happen to you.

◆ you hung out with mutual friends sometimes, your best friends being in relationships with Topper and Kelce for some time didn't leave you much choice there

◆ you didn't like his dealing, or how the coke made him act. but you didn't dare say a word about it to no one.

◆ as soon as High School was over the wedding was scheduled and the engagement announced

◆ no one but the two of you and your family had known, which meant that your friends were both excited for you and also a bit angry for never telling them the truth

◆ your floor length bridal gown was a sight for sore eyes, and even Rafe had to admit to himself that he could've gotten it way worse.

◆ it was a nice wedding, and you did your best to act more than friendly towards the man who was now your husband

◆ you danced with him, cut the cake, laughed and posed for pictures. picture perfect just like everyone expected it of you.

◆ and Rafe did the same, and more. for some reason he found it difficult to actually take his eyes off of you.

◆ he didn't like this new feeling that started brewing inside him. the idea that he might actually not need his plan B of having multiple flings on the side just to survive a marriage with you.

◆ no, the way you smiled at the flower girl and how you looked up at him through your long lashes, how gracefully you moved over the dancefloor and made it look like you were in fact floating and the way had not yet restored back to your usual shot drinking to survive a function (something he had picked up on in the last few months of having to plan a wedding with you). all of you made him be more and more interested in you, and that was what really confused him.

◆ he was never the type of guy to fall for anyone just because they looked pretty and smiled politely. but for some reason you did it all and he didn't mind it.

◆ when the night ended and you got to your hotel room, you made it clear to him that you wouldn't sleep with him. ever.

◆ Rafe actually respected your wishes and took the second bed that was part of the huge suit they had booked.

◆ but this just led to him watching you take off the dress and be left with the most daringly beautiful lingerie set he had ever laid his blue eyes upon

◆ you liked dangling yourself in front of him, making him see what he could never have because you had promised yourself to not give into it.

◆ he was your husband, but only on paper.

◆ that's how you found yourself lying in an empty bed, with him across the room from you, similarly lonely tucked into his sheets while doing boring small talk

◆ it was like a very bad first date. the bad part being mostly the fact that it wasn't a date at all, but your wedding night.

◆ you spent the whole honeymoon slowly getting to know each other and not trying to fight him on every little thing he did wrong in your eyes.

◆ once you got back home your friends were bludgeoning you with questions about how he was but you just shrugged and pretended to not care

◆ you didn't wanna tell them that you had secretly started to actually like him and that your body seemed to do even more than that.

◆ it took a whole year for the both of you to admit your feelings to each other. you caving in first and being scared shitless while confessing your love to him.

◆ and to your own and his surprise Rafe said it back instantly, no thoughts about it or anything. it was like he had just waited for you to do it.

◆ that night you slept together for the first time and you were more than impressed by him.

◆ it was like your actual honeymoon had finally started because the both of you wouldn't be seen outside of your own house and estate for a whole month.

◆ you were like bunnies, fucking anywhere and everywhere no matter what or who might be watching.

◆ the staff was scared to even walk into a room without having their eyes closed first.

◆ and over the years some might've hoped you would stop or take a break from how much the two of you wanted each other, but that was not the case.

◆ and with two kids running around and a third one on the way, Rafe was still not satisfied and he was already planning how to knock you up for a fourth and fifth and maybe even sixth time.

◆ for someone who had hated the idea of marrying a near stranger, Rafe and you really were a perfect match in every possible way

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please don't copy and/or post my work onto other platforms! ~e©ho