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Shhhhh the blorbos are sleepy

even though renee isn’t in the books as much as some of the others, i’d argue that she’s on the same level as andrew and kevin in terms of importance, not necessarily because of her impact on the main plot but more because she symbolizes something these characters desperately need: hope. first of all, it has become increasingly obvious to me that she’s a narrative foil to neil. not only do they leave their sketchy pasts behind, change their names, and dye their hair, but their birth names (natalie, nathaniel) are incredibly similar. renee represents who neil would be if he actually processed his issues instead of running away from them (“i’m not proud of my past, but i’ll never heal if i hide it”). neil is so unsettled by renee because she’s the person who neil has been told for his entire life that it’s too dangerous to be. he dyes his hair to blend in. she dyes her hair to stand out. and she’s HAPPY. she’s not dead like neil’s been brainwashed to believe. then, of course, there’s her iconic friendship with andrew. i’m not going to say that she’s the only one who andrew likes, because we all know he’s very protective of his cousin, brother, and neil. however, renee is the only one who andrew never lashes out at. if renee hadn’t intervened when andrew was attacking allison, who knows what would’ve happened? finally, there’s her connection to jean. jean was denied color for years, surrounded by black and red, never thinking that he would escape. his first interaction with renee always stands out to me because for the first time, he’s left speechless. he sees renee and her rainbow hair and can do nothing but stare. how could he not fall in love with a girl who goes so directly against the rules of his abusers? and she gets him out of the nest. she’s the reason why he defies all the other drafts and stays alive. throughout the books, she grounds andrew, saves allison, and gives jean a reason to keep living. the events of all for the game and the sunshine court couldn’t have happened without renee. none of it could’ve. she was at the center of it all the whole time

Of course Nicky will never clock Kevin as bisexual. Of course he never clocked andreil as queer. Of course he can't ever see the members of his own community.

As far as we know, Nicky's first time actually being in a big, queer community was the camp. I feel like people overlook this. He was raised catholic, and no matter how gay you turn and how much sinful sex you have, you're always going to be catholic. The hymns are embedded in your vocal cords. The wine flows through your veins. It's all he's ever known until it suddenly isn't.

I'm pretty sure that he grew up thinking that gay people were only this caricature, this nameless freak, like many of us did. Gay men always dress a certain way, they're annoying, loud, touchy, and lesbians are always disgusting and manly and smelly. This is what he was taught, and there's no indication that he ever grew *out* of this mindset.

Yes, I believe Nicky enjoys a lot of the things he does, but I also think he's portraying the part of who he thinks he *needs* to be. And everything outside of those boundaries is still new and unbelievable. He's still a child, and relatively new to being openly gay.

And he's so proud. He can't think of anyone being anything other than proud of what they are. Nicky sees things as very black and white (completely gay or straight as a rod, hatefucking or about to get married) and probably thinks that if you're not out and proud, you're working with internalized homophobia. He never wanted anything other than to be free, and he cannot even think about the fact that some people don't want that level of fanfare.

He expects anyone who's queer to immediately come and talk to him. He's trying so hard to be the safe, iconic gay that other people can look up to and latch onto. He thinks that the only thing stopping people from screaming their sexuality to the world is homophobia, therefore they would at least tell him.

He doesn't get that people (Andrew, Neil) might just want to keep things private, because, to him, privacy equals secrecy, secrecy equals shame, and, well, there's nothing to be ashamed of!

Or maybe I'm just rambling. Idk guys this is my hot take of the week or whatever

When Andrew and Aaron graduate, they hug. Andrew is the last to let go.

…Andrew and Neil moved like they were caught in each other’s gravity, in each other’s space more than they were out of it, cigarette smoke and matching armbands and lingering looks when one fell out of orbit for too long…

Just occurred to me that during the Revelation Scene, Neil says "you like me" instead of "you're attracted to me" and I'm wondering if it's because in his lil demisexual brain, the only way he could reasonably articulate his understanding of the situation wasn't "you wanna fuck me" but instead "you enjoy my existence" because "blowjob" held very little value or interest to him but "positive regard" absolutely did and I just-

Whenever Jeremy does anything for Jean in TSC I’m reminded of the fact that it was Andrew who most likely did it for Kevin, in his own fucked up Andrew Way (TM).

Andrew followed Kevin’s schedule to keep the partner rule.

Andrew took him shopping for new clothes.

Andrew took him to sweeties full of awfully unhealthy food.

When Kevin wakes up at night, in a haze and he looks for the other bed in the room, it’s Andrew he finds.

When he’s afraid, when he panics, when shit hits the fan and he needs help, it’s Andrew he looks for, and Andrew is right fucking there.

They’ve spent the past year in each others pocket, in a way that the drowning hold on to a raft.

They’re complicated and ugly towards each other. They’re cruel and sharp and vicious, and they hit each other where it hurts, but nobody can ever tell me that the two of them are not best fucking friends.

I will never recover from the fact that if Neil and Andrew got married, Andrew picks Kevin as his best man, Kevin says yes.

do you guys think that when neil got back home from cali he took andrew up to the roof where he sat watching him smoke and told him he put a hit out on a raven. and then andrew sat there in silence watching the sunset before asking "why?" and neil looked down fiddling with his own lit cigarette and said very quietly that this particular raven was jean's drake. do you think that andrew went very still and did not speak or smoke for such a long time that neil eventually looked up at him and was taken aback by how andrew was watching him very carefully. do you think that as andrew looked at neil he was so paralysed by the thought of jean going through that same abuse and neil putting an end to it without even thinking twice. do you think he realised his meter had officially broken and neil was so far past 100% and that he was really truly it for him

Rarely see it, but I enjoy fics where Agent Browning becomes an unwilling Pseudo Uncle beside Stuart as Neil's Actual Uncle. Like, Neil wants to do something that'll put the FBI on his case? Calls Agent Browning first, provides a heads up. Gonna marry Andrew? Gotta call Agent Browning so he can hyphenate his last name "for his Starbucks order". Allison wants to dye his hair? Gotta call Agent Browning first hold up