[gripping The Sink] Perfectionism Does Not Help Me Avoid Embarrassment Or Shame. Perfectionism Is In

thoughts from another day 002

It’s all ephemeral and transitory and I feel unmoored and adrift with an overwhelming desire to be anchored and secure.

I feel like I’m swirling in this world of ideas and experiences, and I want to reach out and grasp them and capture the abstract with language. The expand and contract - get all of the thoughts and ideas into one place, and then break it down, organize it, understand it; and condense it back down to something cohesive.

But there are two many things there are too many things and ideas and people and complex interactions and relationships and how do you even begin to know where to start, how to start?

I feel like I’m being crushed

simple poem 002

why do I feel so stuck when I have so many choices and tasks that can move me forward?

I fear that at my default level I do not truly want to live; merely exist in comfort and continue to get by.

simple poem 004

I spend my hours doing neither what I should be doing nor what I’d like to. my eyes unfocus on the the task at hand my hand catches my heavy head as it pounds and sinks down under the waves bubbles slip from my lips as the depths suffocate me with darkness I am split by a screaming and thrashing for something to change and a hopeless, relieved resignation that this is how it always has been and this is how it always shall be

Brennan: Make a religion check for me

Ally:

Sources: Fantasy High Sophomore year, ep 17 and ep 20

Same Energy

Sources: Fantasy High S1E16 & The Unsleeping City S1E17

I went to see Everything, Everywhere, All At Once recently, and I genuinely think it’s my new favorite movie. It’s a fun, sci-fi adventure where the main character discovers she has the power to access the memories and skills of different versions of herself from other dimensions. But it’s also a story of family, love, and generational trauma, of depression and nihilism, but also of empathy, kindness, and the fullness of life. It was astoundingly beautiful, hilarious, and exciting.

10/10 highly recommend.

I urge you to immerse yourself fully in the life that you've been given. To stop running from whatever you're trying to escape, and instead to stop, and turn, and face whatever it is. Then I dare you to walk toward it. In this way, the world may reveal itself to you as something magical and awe-inspiring that does not require escape. Instead, the world may become something worth paying attention to.

Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Anna Lembke, MD

thoughts from another day 004

wow, getting myself into community space, and seeing people living their lives and being kind and just being human is so good for my soul

simple poem 003

My head feels heavy and my body’s full of lead slowly poisoning itself and going mad I feel like I could sink my fingers into my skull, and rip out a piece, like a chunk of cake pull myself apart the pieces don’t quite fit as they are like a jigsaw forced into place where it doesn’t belong

The Ten Thousand Doors of January

A gorgeous, aching love letter to stories, storytellers, and the doors they lead us through. Absolutely enchanting.

When I saw this book at the library, I picked it up off the shelf because I remembered someone telling me it was their favorite book they had ever read. But this quote above (that was on the back of the book) was what convinced me to check it out and take it home.

This book was absolutely gorgeous; one of the loveliest books I’ve ever read. The prose is flowing and poetic, wrapping you in the warmth of the beauty of written language. The plot is a story within a story that twist in and around and through itself in interesting and exciting ways. The main character is a girl who’s grown up with conditional privilege, and must now discover and learn what it means to be strong. It is a story full of love - not only romantic, but also of friendship and family.

10/10 absolutely recommend.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again but it is absolutely an example of civilizational inadequacy that only deaf people know ASL

“oh we shouldn’t teach children this language, it will only come in handy if they [checks notes] ever have to talk in a situation where it’s noisy or they need to be quiet”