Showing You My Newborn But Im Holding Its Head The Way Ash Ketchum Holds A Pokeball

nothing in overwatch can ever compare to TF2 sprays

deltaheads how we feeling

NUH UH

magic is real btw

ok but, genuinely, one of the biggest reasons I love the Death Guard is that Mortarion is a petty asshole with undiagnosed OCD and I relate to that for some reason

i've been thinking a lot about mortarion recently because i read mortarion: the pale king and re-read lords of silence and it's so interesting to me how mortarion seems to have a lot of fixations that border on compulsions.

in lords of silence, vorx describes mortarion as having "relentless superstitions" even before the heresy. mortarion also has "an exaggerated interest in names, bordering on obsession" that has "only grown" since his ascension to daemon prince. mortarion's manse on the plague planet also seems to be subject to this:

"The gates are, like everything here, a parody. They are, it is said, seven centimetres taller than the Eternity Gate on Terra. Just seven. Mortarion did a lot of things like that -- petty things, mediocre digs at fate. The cupola is slightly taller than that raised over the Senatorum Imperialis. The walls are steeper by seven degrees."

mortarion's compulsions appear in mortarion: the pale king as well, particularly his fixation on numbers.

Sanguinius stared right back. ‘Help me understand this, then,’ he said. He pointed to one of the hills of corpses. ‘Those mortals, for instance. What are they doing?’ ‘They are tallying the dead of the Order,’ said Mortarion. ‘Why?’ ‘Because I commanded it.’

mortarion's behavior here is indicative of a larger trend within his character: his own desire for agency within a series of systems that do not allow him any. for example, lords of silence asserts the following:

"...it is said of him that everything came late, and with difficulty. He was the last to succumb to the full embrace of the pantheon. He was the last to arrive at the Siege. He was the last to retreat, it is rumoured, though others contest that."

mortarion is an agent of others' will. first necare, then the emperor, and finally nurgle's, and his compulsions appear to be a desperate reach for agency where otherwise he'd have none. furthermore, mortarion is fundamentally scarred by his youth on barbarus and appears to see himself in slaves and serfs. in mortarion: the pale king, mortarion is reprimanded by horus and sanguinius for use of excessive force on a planet ruled by small group of people who keep the rest of the populace heavily drugged, forcing them to work. his reaction is ultimately a reflection of his own trauma on barbarus.

furthermore, mortarion seems to be viewed as fundamentally broken by his brothers, which in turn fuels the death guard's us-vs-them ideology. (from mortarion: the pale king)

"The ship seemed unadorned compared to those of its brother Legions. The olive-green band of the emblem on its wings made the bone colour of the rest of the hull even more apparent. It was a machine that had been scraped raw. It was, Horus thought, a suitable chariot for his brother, and that saddened him."

"It was, Horus thought, as if no matter where Mortarion went, he never truly left the toxic world that had nurtured him."

Mortarion looked past Horus, up the slope of rubble to where the Angel waited. Mortarion was less pleased to see him. Sanguinius was so consumed by the illusion of nobility that Mortarion felt the Angel was perpetually looking down from on high as he circled an unreachable ideal. Why had their father instructed the Angel to come to Galaspar? Why not someone like Perturabo? He might have been an ally. And Sanguinius and Horus were so close. Mortarion felt a bond with Horus, but he knew it was not as strong as the one that joined Horus to the Angel. He was facing a united front, whether or not the other two would admit it, even to themselves.

‘We may hold this council aboard the Reaper’s Scythe if you prefer,’ said Sanguinius, sounding sympathetic now. The look in his eyes reminded Mortarion of their father’s sorrow, and he did not like it.

mortarion's nihilistic outlook seems to also drive a schism between himself and the other primarchs. mortarion views the Great Crusade with no love, contrary to the likes of horus and sanguinius who believe in the dream proffered to them.

An embrace was a promise of unity and comfort. That made it a promise of illusion. That made it a lie. He knew that Horus didn’t look at things that way. That didn’t change the truth of things. Horus was lying, only not to Mortarion. He was lying to himself. Mortarion put much more stock in his ceremony of poison. To share a draught of concentrated toxins with one of his warriors was to acknowledge the reality of their lives. He and his legionaries stood with each other, fought with unity, but never pretended that the ultimate truth of war was anything other than death. In the toast of poisons, there was no promise that could not be kept. It was an acceptance of risk, and of the inevitability of the end.

in fact, some of the only times mortarion demonstrates any affection or care are to his so-called lessers, including serfs and his own astartes.

At his side, Cinis nodded, watching in respectful silence for the manifestation of judgement. The serf was a favoured one, more disciple than servant. She took in all of Mortarion’s lessons and taught his precepts to the thousands who laboured for the Legion. Having come from neither Terra nor Barbarus, she symbolised the unity of all aspects of the Death Guard, and her understanding was profound.

mortarion first encountered cinis after liberating her world from the oppressive order aforementioned. in fact, in the pale king, mortarion actively chooses to humanize her, granting her the name cinis. in lords of silence, mortarion calls on vorx to fight "by [his] side, as we were before."

vorx earlier in the novel says this of mortarion:

In Mortarion, more than in any other, is conflict. Hatred was everywhere inside him -- of his father, of circumstance, of the Imperium, of himself. The poison of his foster world was hard to excise, and even if things had been handled differently by those in command, his would have been a damaged psyche.

mortarion's lack of agency directly ties into this. he views himself as being more similar to his servants than to his primarch brothers. the us-vs-them mentality returns.

ultimately there are dozens of examples of mortarion's issues across both novels and i have zero interest in regurgitating all of them. what is interesting are the implications about mortarion's character. mortarion's self hatred feeds into his compulsions; his trauma forces him to rely on them to regain a scrap of freedom.

his compulsive nature appears to contrast with nurgle's evident draw towards entropy, but i think this also fits with the nature of his character. he was the last to succumb. he continues to fight against the his own nature, because he doesn't know how to do anything other than fight. he doesn't believe in the kind of peace nurgle offers, so he can't accept it.

Shoutout to @tiger9o0

you are seriously the note goat

@tiger9o0 THATS ALMOST 60 NOTIFICATIONS/lh

I am at 69 posts and I am overjoyed at the humorous sexual implication. And, as with any joy, I wish to share it with the world; to scream it from the rooftops for all to hear. Thrilled, I rush to my keyboard to quickly type out a short joke. However, I am met with a dilemma: if I make a post about it, the source of my joy will be no more, as it will be my 70th post. But, if I don't make a post, no one will ever know that it even existed in the first place.

So I must choose: should I commemorate this beautiful moment and, by doing so, end it? Or should I preserve this moment forever, but never celebrate it? Which kind of death is more real? To die in public or live in secret?

I save the post as a draft and promise myself that I'll come back and choose. I come back but I don't choose. The post just grows longer and longer as I promise myself, again and again, that I'll make a choice next time. If I can just perfect it, if I can just string together a flawless sequence of words for my thoughts, then the correct choice will be obvious - then I won't need to live in this moment forever.

My therapist tells me this is a recurring thing for me: to be caught between wanting to live in yesterday and wanting to control tomorrow. I think I'm scared of change. I think I feel small. I think I'm scared of being alone. I think I feel small. I think I try to control the things I'm scared of. I think I feel small. I think I try to bottle and taxidermize joy instead of feeling it. I think I feel small. I think showing people my joy is a proxy for feeling it. I think I feel small. I think death scares me but I don’t know which kind scares me more.

On one hand, I wish I could live in the moment and celebrate today instead of trying to preserve it. I wish that I spent more time making decisions and less time deciding. Despite being obsessed with time, I rarely cherish or enjoy it. On the other hand, I wish I didn’t need to publicly celebrate my time. I wish I could just enjoy something without advertising my joy. I don’t feel comfortable feeling anything unless you see it.

Caught between two bad coping mechanisms for deeper fears ways to cheat death, I think the only good choice is to delete this post, to accept that a beautiful thing happened (past tense) and to love it for an unimportant moment by my unimportant self. I think the only good choice is to love and live myself, even if I can’t do either forever. But, if you are seeing this post, you already know what choice I made. And, if you aren’t seeing this post, then you never knew that I made a choice to begin with. To you, dear reader, this post exists in quantum superposition - live and dead, made and unmade - until you read it. Like Schrodinger's cat, I exist in the blur between yesterday and tomorrow; I only live or die when you look.

SPARKLES FOR THE SPARKLE GOD!!! PIXELS FOR THE PIXEL THRONE!!!!!

hey! i made a buttload of simple lil pixel badges that YOU! 🫵😊 can use however you want, wherever you want! credit is not needed! go freaking ham sandwich crazy! love you all :)

POV: Sniper is a bug entusiast

NUH UH

magic is real btw