In Case You Haven’t Heard It Today, Or Don’t Fully Realise It Yet: I Promise You That Most People

how to trick writers into giving you more fanfic to read

So… You wanna explore the Universe.

If you are reading this guide, then you and any potential peers want to leave the comfort and security of your warm mother star and expand into the cold, dark, and unforgivable void. A mistake, really, but I am not here to stop you; I am here to lay out some basic rules that you puny mortals must abide by.

Don’t ask questions you are not prepared to know the answer to.

There’s always bigger.

Never cross the Elder Gods.

Always remember rule 1.

Fusion based energy is your best friend. If you are still using fossil fuels then your species sucks. Period.

Speaking of fossil fuels, chemical based rockets suck. Try using space bending warp drives or quantum bridges. Light speed sucks, too.

It’s not a bad idea for your species to be genocidal xenophobic maniacs to everything but yourselves. Just make sure you have the firepower to back it up.

I highly recommend total unity within your species. If you are too busy fighting amongst yourselves, what are you going to do when Needledorp arrives?

Fear Needledorp.

Always remember rule 9.

If you find a desolate, rocky planet with the only inhabitant named “Frank”, avoid that planet at all costs. I don’t care if it’s rich in resources, just avoid it.

Some black holes are alive. They are aggressive. Do not pet the black holes.

It’s just like that, sometimes.

Make sure nothing is following you.

If you have an individual with psychic powers, expect them to go insane once they leave the confines of your mother star. Lock them up in a closet with a few markers and check up on them every once in a while. If they star my screaming about an entity named “Carol”, shoot them out the airlock. They will be the distraction.

Remember rule 1.

You are immortal until proven otherwise.

Any extraterrestrial rocks may have anomalous properties. Proceed with caution, or you may get space zombies or something.

Remember rule 13.

Make sure nothing is following you.

Violence may be an answer to a dispute with an extraterrestrial entity. Copulation is a last resort (control your thirst).

If bullets don’t work, punches will.

Remember rule 17.

Your objective: survive.

Babies are not food, they are weapons.

There are cheat codes.

Don’t ask about the cheat codes. Remember rule 1.

If the void is staring at you. Make it uncomfortable.

Avoid Frank. The anomalous one.

Remember rules 1, 2, and 3.

this is the money garf. reblog for untold pasta and riches to come your way

thank you for your service LEGEND

Went to the World Taxidermy Show up in Missouri, it was pretty amazing.

Since I hate flying I drove there, and since I have a short attention span I made a lot of stops along the way.

Day 1 was coming to a close and I still hadn’t figured out where I was going to park for the night since planning ahead is for losers. Instead I picked a nearby state park at random and hoped for the best, and got it.

Providence Canyon state park in southern Georgia.

Apparently it’s the result of people messing up farming? I don’t know how you screw up growing plants badly enough to create a miniature replica of the grand canyon, but there you go. Hiking down into the canyon is easy enough, but coming back up with the royal bowling ball in my backpack was Not Great.

Onward I drove, watching the countryside gradually change. Soon something strange and unexpected began to appear along the roadsides.

Rocks!

Holy shit, just wild rocks laying around! Can you imagine?

Absolutely charmed and also concerned that I’d better pull over somewhere to get a closer look at these babies before I drove past them entirely, I pulled into Rickwood Caverns state park. 

Wasn’t feeling the paid mile-long hike through the depths of the earth just then, but there sure were a lot of rocks!

Moderately satisfied by the number and quality of wild rocks encountered, I moved on to Springfield Missouri for the convention. Antsy in the city, I utterly failed to take advantage of the convention events and instead fucked off to look at even more rocks.

Goddamn, would you believe this? These are the biggest rocks I’ve ever seen. Of course I climbed one. Then I remembered that I’m getting a little old to be clambering up rocks, and acutely aware of how breakable my bones are, and sheepishly climbed down.

Oh yeah, here’s a queer interspecies poly goose family and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I left the city as soon as I was done with the dealer room and had pictures of everything, lured by the siren call of a town called Hot Springs.

First though, a brief stop through a park in the mountains.

More rocks! And WATER! At the same time! Holy shit, what a world we live in. Did I shovel particularly enticing damp rocks into my pockets as I walked along? You bet your ass I did.

Onwards and upwards, into the Ozarks! And up, and up, at some point figuring out that you’re supposed to change into 2nd gear. Eventually the scenery was just too much and I desperately pulled over into a scenic overlook at a mountain top. This is so high, oh man. For added context my home town is 15 feet above sea level.

Slate! Just a whole wall of slate with water trickling down! Yes, obviously I stuffed more damp rocks into my pockets. It was time to move on though, the town of Hot Springs still called to me.

Oh, but there was time to stretch my legs at the Iron Springs state park. 

Finally though, we were closing in on the destination. Hot Springs, a town named for hot springs! Oh man, rocks have been pretty great so far, and springs continue to impress; I just cannot wait to see what adding geothermal activity to that mix looks like!

So hey, guess what? There aren’t actually hot springs for you to visit in motherfucking Hot Springs.

Bitter, but less bitter than I would otherwise be if I hadn’t spent the day driving through the most extravagantly fabulous roads you can imagine, I continued on towards home as it began to drizzle.

It was still raining the next day, putting a literal damper on any urge to explore. Still, a petrified forest in Mississippi? Drizzle or not, who could possibly resist that?

There was a giftshop full of rocks, and an overpriced lump of common sandstone from out further west polished into a sphere like a sandy gas giant replica caught my heart.

Kept moving, ended up in a skeezy gambling town. Tried to eat my lunch on a public dock, dumb mutt rushed into the gross water. No, stop…

I ended the day on the Gulf, hoping the morning would hold better things.

It held a bland beach and a dead remora, which I only barely resisted dragging along with me as a souvenir.

Back in Florida, but in less of a hurry this time. 

Moruti was unimpressed with the legendary Fountain of Youth, but perked up when she noticed a squirrel.

It turns out there -is- a waterfall in Florida, and it falls into a sinkhole. Because of course it does.

Now I’m back after a week, getting things back in order, catching up on responsibilities, settling into work mode again. Ignoring the phantom weight of a sandstone sphere for now.

I can’t stop laughing because…

like I don’t know how you can get more obvious than tweeting “I’m sure I’m bisexual,” but clearly The Sun isn’t convinced

Deadpool’s instructive video may save your testicles

List of bisexuals whose identities are erased by the media.

P!nk

Anne Frank

Megan Fox

Billie Joe Armstrong

Snooki

Drew Barrymore

Angelina Jolie

Azealia Banks

Kesha

Fergie

Lady Gaga

Madonna

Clive Davis

Anna Paquin

Bai Ling

Carrie Brownstein

Evan Rachel Wood

Amber Heard

Frenchie Davis

Vanessa Carlton

Jillian Michaels

Freddie Mercury (debatable, but considering he had had a long-term relationship with Mary Austin and he tended to keep quiet on matters of his private life, we’ll never know for sure)

All or which have either been given the name “gay” or “straight“ by the media despite coming out. There are more than two sexualities and this is a fact that most people (even on Tumblr nowadays) forget. People tend to assume that since someone is with a person of the same gender, they’re gay. (Or vice versa in Angelina or P!nk’s case) This is incorrect to assume because you’re erasing their identities in the process. The people on this list aren’t gay or straight, they’re bisexual. No matter how much the media tries to erase that.

“Oh I love roses! I try growing them myself, but they never get very far.”

“Would you like to know the secret to healthy rose bushes,” I asked, knowing that she would not like the answer. 

“Do tell!”

Grin. “Blood.”

The customer paused, waiting for me to say that I was kidding. But I wasn’t so it never came. She became nervous. 

And before I could explain that blood meal is a common soil fixer and fertilizer, she put her hands up, spun around and said-

“Bye.”

You want to know the secrets to a beautiful garden? You better be prepared for some weird shit. 

not to sound like a grumpy old bitch but the current climate of mainstream pop music is boring and shitty